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i'm bp1, but this is a depression issue, so i'll put it down here.

i'm kind of a hermit. it seems like everyone has friends but me. sure, i can be the life of the party (usuallly when i'm hypo) and have a lot of fun, but in the end, where are my friends? i can talk to a couple of people, and that's it. that should be satisfying, but when they're not available, i'm lonely and miserable. then i tend to drink and it gets messy. i'm not an alcoholic or something, but i'll have a few to ease that lonely feeling.

i have people in my life who claim to be there for me who aren't really. that messes with my head more than anything. do i cut them loose? do i tell them that they're not really my friends? do i keep them at the distance they belong at, and not invest my heart in them? i'm so sad. i know this is common.

and i question myself of course. i'm on ssdi, and i don't know what my hopes and dreams are. i feel like life is passing me by. i want to do stuff and can't. no one is around, except my therapist, to talk this out with me. it sucks when your therapist is your best friend. ;)

my boyfriend has the worst anxiety problem i've ever seen in someone in RL, so i can't talk to him about my depression, it will just give him panic attacks. my best friend has asperger's and can't connect emotionally sometimes. everything for him is so logical and cut and dry. getting into heart matters is tough for him.

because i've been going out on friday night and having a drink in the beginning of the night (so it wears off by 2am and i can drive safely), she was grilling me on if i'm manic. MANIC??? kind of the opposite. how can i describe what it is like to panic and cry? all my friends are unable to help me cope. i'm alone in this. i just feel empty and alone.

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Hey! I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. Before the diagnosis, I had a shitload of friends. However, the only thing we had in common was club hopping and alcohol. As soon as I started really having major problems (about 16 or 17 years old) my friends suddenly dissappeared. Now I have one best friend who hates when I come to her with my problem (she doesn't beleive in bp) another good friend who doesn't want to listen (life is all about her, not me) and my sister. And finding her is like the damn needle in a haystack shit. And my poor boyfriend, just lost a very close family member, so now is not the time to lay it on him. So just like you, my therapist is my best friend. And it is sad. That's why I love crazyboards though, every time i'm going through shit, people on here actually listen and help me. And actually, right before I got put in the hospital last time, you were one of the ones that helped me the most. (It was a while back) and I never did get around to thanking you. So thank you. I hope the people around you open their eyes and realize what's going on with you, because it is an awful feeling. I wish I had more words of comfort, but unfortunately i'm in the same shoes as you. Weird as it is, when I feel like i'm hitting the bottom, instead of begging someone in my family or one of my fake ass friends to listen to me, I get on the four wheeler and raise hell, as crazy as that sounds. And somehow I feel a lot better once i'm through. Depends on how bad my day is going though, I have tried to hurt myself (on purpose) on the four wheeler, so it's not always the best option. Do you have any hobby that might make you feel better? And i'm on a lot these days anyway.....so i'll be here. Best wishes to ya.

~Sebrina

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Hi

I know the feeling, too.

It's pretty awful.

I think it's really hard to feel things deeply, as I think people with BP do, and not be somehow difficult to understand to others...we bring a lot to a relationship...not always negative things, you know, but plenty of intensity...not everyone is up to that, I guess.

At least that's something I wonder about.

I read a lot of your posts, though, and I can tell that you are a very caring, kind person with a lot of neat personality traits so it's not that you don't have plenty to offer...I think we can get really down on ourselves and get into tough cycles when our BP hits us, either on the upswing but especially in depression. We're so hard on ourselves.

When you said that you don't know what your hopes and dreams are, that you feel like life is passing you by, well, I thought yeah, I sure know what that's like. I've been feeling that way so much lately. How much of that is depression? I wish I knew. To me, it feels like my illness has stolen a lot of "life" from me and I really hate that. And I feel like no friends could possibly understand that. Or even want to hear me talk about it...like it would sound like whining or something, but it's so much deeper than that. At least to me...I think you know what I mean because you are there, too. It's hard. It's really hard.

Anyway, you're not alone in this world. These issues aren't easy and I sure hate feeling this way, too. I guess we have to remind ourselves that we are who we are for a reason...some reason that we may not understand at times. At least I believe that. And somehow, we'll grow through these lonely times. I'm hoping so.

Sallie

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And not to minimize your feelings or illness or that of anyone else, but know that this feeling is epidemic in this era. I've read something in the last six months indicating that the majority of people, when polled, said they really only have 1 or 2 friends that they can really count on and even in that poll those people said that they still didn't feel the friendships were satisfying. I don't know what has happened - although I tend to wonder if the development of friendships isn't caught up in that "I want it now - not later" mentality that pervades our society. Friendships take a lot of effort and, more so, TIME that we don't seem to have enough of or are willing to part with.

You really aren't the only one, Loon....there are a whole lot of "normal" (gag, I really hate that adjective) people out there who feel exactly the same way.

DMF

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Yeah, me too. I feel lonely, even though I have some friends. Even when I'm *with* my friends I feel lonely sometimes.

The truth is that it is hard to find people you connect with, and even when you do, people are so caught up with their own lives.

A therapist once told me that you come into the world alone and you leave it alone. Although this sounds depressing, she said this in the context of needing to be whole within yourself, I suppose. I struggle with the same feelings that you do, though.

For me, pets are a great help. While it's not the same as a relationship with a person, pets can be so loving and pure of heart that for me, they can lift the loneliness sometimes.

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I really think this is an important topic because, 1, I think these feelings truly are pervasive in our society and, 2, when you have some of the illnesses that are discussed on this Board it is just too easy to feel that you are "different" or that someting is "wrong" with you in ways that isn't true. I've searched and searched for the original article that I read (thinking it was surely on the internet) but I can't find it. I did find the following though. I know it doesn't help find friends but it does help normalize all of our feelings.

http://www.dukenews.duke.edu/2006/06/socialisolation.html

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles...nely_out_there/

Two things from these articles stood out to me. It's very easy to isolate ourselves at our computer and create friendships that way. There isn't anything wrong with using the web to communicate with others and to reach out (this Board has been literally a lifesaver for me as a source of information and support) but the intimacy of what most of us consider to be "true" friendship is missing in most internet "relationships". On the other hand, the internet has opened the door for many, many people who are not able, at the moment, to develop friendships another way. What worries me is that there is a skill to making friends and if we don't use it, we can forget how to do it, and I sense that is what happens with a lot of people. In this day and age we are all so busy with the business of just living that we don't take the time to use and develop social skills (and I mean ALL of us, not just patients of PDoc's).

The other thing is the fact that many on this board, as well as many "well" people, are not geographically close to their family or people that they grew up with; or something has happened in their family relationships to create that lack of "someone to go to". In my family, for instance, all of my siblings and my husband's siblings (except 1) live all around the country. None of us have time, let alone money, to visit each other. My daughter has a brother that lives relatively close but they are not emotionally close due to an abuse issue when they were younger. It's very, very sad and I deeply regret not doing what it took to stay close with my family if, for nothing else, a support network for my kids. Also, dd just graduated last year. She comments all the time that it's not that easy to make friends out of the hs setting and she's right. It's just the way things work. She's made friends at work and (scary) on the internet but the general number of potential friends diminishes greatly. And, for many of her friends that are going to college out of state, they've "moved" on....again, a geographical issue in one's ability to retain friendships. DD and her b/f of almost 2 years just broke up because he wanted a girlfriend "there" (jerk). What can I say.....it happens more often than not.

DD is going to study pscychology in college. We were discussing this thread last night and she is planning on doing research on the issue as she continues to pursue her degree, hoping to use this topic in her masters program (crossing my fingers that she gets there!).

Loon, I just have to repeat that you are not alone......I am classified, I guess, as a "normal", healthy person but after years of being a SAHM, not working, and just being totally tied into my kids activities, I can only say I have 1 really good friend I can count on and only 2 - 3 more that I feel I can reasonably confide in. I don't keep in touch with "friends" I made through my kids activities....they were what I called "event friends" to hang around with a meetings or games but there was never that true development of "friendship". God help me if I tried to confide in the gossips at work!

Take care all....

dmf

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Before I was diagnosed with anything, I had hundreds of so called friends and was also a very social creature. At times, I was the life of the party, charismatic, and fun to be around. I always had something to do, somewhere to go, people to talk to, and friends to do things with.

When things got a little hectic in my life, I began to notice that my “friends” were starting to vanish. I wasn’t getting very many calls, my relationships were crumbling, and people had nothing but bad things to say about me behind my back. This was very depressing at the time.

Now, years later, I’m an isolated hermit that never leaves his apartment. I have absolutely nobody to talk to, not even my family. I have developed agoraphobia, and the only time I get out is to see my doctors. Sometimes I wonder how much more of this I can take. My life feels like it is going nowhere.

I really don’t know how to get out of this hole that I have dug for myself, so my reply is probably useless to you.

All I can say is that friends are overrated. You are very lucky that you at least have boyfriend. Maybe after he gets his anxiety dealt with he will be more of a support for you in your struggles of life.

If you can’t get support from your friends and family, you should consider joining some kind of local support group for people going through the same sort of thing.

Jacomus

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i talked to my tdoc about it, and she says that i need more to do.

so she is taking me (she has to go with me to do this- i do drive) to the YMCA that was just built in my area to get a "scholarship", which is a discount for people on disability, so i can exercise there. she says it will be good for me, and maybe i'll meet friends. i think she's right. in the good weather i go to the park and do outdoor sports, but in the winter i get lazy and don't do anything. this will be good for my mind and body.

this guy who i've talked about in other threads, the one who likes me a lot like a gf but i don't like him in the bf way (besides, i'm more than happy with my bf) seems to be the type i really want to be friends with. he seems to be like one of those people you rarely meet. however, i don't know if a friendship could work because of his obvious feelings. i'm so low right now i feel like calling him, but i don't want him to get any ideas or to end up in a situation i'll regret.

so crazyboards it is! lol

loon

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i talked to my tdoc about it, and she says that i need more to do.

so she is taking me (she has to go with me to do this- i do drive) to the YMCA that was just built in my area to get a "scholarship", which is a discount for people on disability, so i can exercise there. she says it will be good for me, and maybe i'll meet friends. i think she's right. in the good weather i go to the park and do outdoor sports, but in the winter i get lazy and don't do anything. this will be good for my mind and body.

this guy who i've talked about in other threads, the one who likes me a lot like a gf but i don't like him in the bf way (besides, i'm more than happy with my bf) seems to be the type i really want to be friends with. he seems to be like one of those people you rarely meet. however, i don't know if a friendship could work because of his obvious feelings. i'm so low right now i feel like calling him, but i don't want him to get any ideas or to end up in a situation i'll regret.

so crazyboards it is! lol

loon

I'm sick of being alone too. Maybe I'll join meetup.com and see what other people do outside

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We should start a networking and dating site for people with mental illnesses! We could match people by diagnoses, meds and the other more “normal” factors of compatibility. Haha.. But somehow.. I just couldn't see something like that working too well, just for some crazy reason.

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Jacomus there actually is a site (that I can't remember right off-hand) that does that. But if you only knew the number of hook-ups that people have made on CB (including ME!) then it would probably blow your mind. (no pun intended) This place is like nothing else I've ever seen as far as people getting together online just to discuss something and then ended up in relationships or fucking.

Let's just face it folks...CRAZY PEOPLE ARE HOT!!!

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