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hardest pill to swallow....yet


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Well, this really sucks a big one......haven't spoken with my daughter since Tuesday of last week.....day before Valentine's. She had called me crying saying that nobody in the women's facility likes her. I tried to encourage her........telling her how likable she is.......give it time, make a friend with someone. She exploded on me in anger for saying that. What the hell else do you say? Talk about walking on eggshells. I guess she likes believing things in there distorted way. I guess if I am not supporting her in her miserable attitude by agreeing with her.....then she views that as not being supportive at all?

I sent her that lovely spa basket for Valentine's and also ordered some nice books on art from the Amazon website. She never called to thank me or tell me Happy Valentine's. Never returned my calls. Now I understand she has told her father, who she always had problems and issues with.....that she wants nothing to do with me anymore. I swear I can't win for losing. This hurts like hell. I poured out my soul and every resource I had for this child.......practically gave up my own life and it wasn't enough. I doubt that it ever would have been enough......I really did too much.

Now I have to deal with my own pain.....and this is a big one for me. She was my baby (last child). I have been actively parenting now for over 32 yrs and being a mother is all I have known my entire adult life. This is not the way I intended to enter the "empty nest" phase of my life. I feel so damn lost and useless......like everything I ever tried to do in my life just turned to shit.......Now the support has to come to me......cause I can't hardly bear this one. Intellectually I know all the right things.....all the good sound advice.......the kind I would give to someone else in this boat......but, damnit, knowing it and doing it are 2 different things. I need more strength now than I ever had in my life. I am depleted now and don't know how to handle life alone. Sorry for my pity-party, but this one really smarts a big one. The mental anguish is nearly impossible to handle right now. If there was anything more I could have done, you know I would have. How can I come out from under this blanket of blaming self and knowing that I did all I could......its a predicament for sure. Gonna take a while to work this out........if I ever will.

Lyn

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I'm so sorry this is happening to you and to your daughter. I know its impossible, but try not to take her behavior personally- the outbursts, not talking to you etc are inherently part of her illness. What she's probably getting at the facility she's at is a lot of people who won'treinforce her negative behaavior, so it make sense she'd continually come back to you.

Perhaps you could make scheduled phone calls- maybe once or twice a week. It will allow you to catch up stay connected but she will also have no choice but to immerse herself in the treatment program- whic at the moment probably feels very punishing to her- just remember you are getting her much needed help by having her there- in a way the more she screams and yells about it the more you know you've done the right thing.

try to get in touch with a staff social worker there who could probably help you deal with your feelings and explain more about what is going on with your daughter. best of luck to you . mrs l

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Thank you so much Mrs. L.......you are right in everything you said. But I cannot force her to speak to me and won't try that. I will check in with social worker/therapist to see how she is coming along. I know she has alot to wrestle with and from experience I know how hard that is and how much we can often resist. It must be so much more so for a 17/18 y/o.....that natural rebellion/independant spirit has to be so prevalant.

Not taking it personally is the thing I have to focus on. She and I have been so close her whole life.......there is a very strong bond between us. I have no doubt about having her in this treatment facility.... and also glad its all female. You can manipulate and pull wool over male eyes sometimes, but not so usually with fellow females.......they can see right through us.

Thanks for your care,

Lyn

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in a way, it shows that you are a good, reliable mother...because somewhere inside of her, she knows she can rely on you to accept her venting. you know how kids always take their parents for granted? always assuming Mom will be there and will accept any kind of hurtful comment, because, well, that's a mom's job. they don't even think about Mom as a person..you're just Mom.

i bet Mrs. L is right...they are calling her on her behavior, so who does she have to rely on to vent? Mom. you know how kids always believe they can yell things like 'i hate you mom' without even thinking about how it affects mom as a person....because kids always know, deep in their hearts, that their mom loves them anyway (kids with loving moms, anyway. not abused kids, i wanna make that distinction so no one flames me).

it was basically a back handed compliment.

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i was a borderline teen and i can't tell you how much loving kindness i threw back in my father's face. i'm not making excuses for your daughter's behavior. or excuses for mine. but i didn't know how to do anything other than be angry. "it will be ok" felt like a deevaluation of my pain. was it? no, it was what he knew to be true. it did turn out ok. in the end. but i had to get there by deciding i was tired of being angry. and i'm sure your daughter will tire of it as well. she's a smart girl. it's hard to control all those emotions.

and it sucks to be on the end of her whip.

but she did reach out to you. she was honest. i bet she'll wake up and stop being mad at you one day soon.

i know about being a bitchy teen. i don't know about being a parent. so i can only speak from that end. but if you've braved 32 years of this, then i say you deserve your own spa basket.

your title reminded me of the song "falling awake" by gary jules, which i can sadly only find videos of featuring grey's anatomy, and while that show is my guilty pleasure, the show has nothing to do with your thread. the song, i think, maybe. songs mean so many things to so many people.

anyway, here are some of the lyrics

Eagle in the dark

Feathers in the pages.

Monkeys in my heart

Are rattling their cages.

Found a way to blue

And another ghost to follow

Said "it's only up to you"

And that's the hardest pill to swallow.

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I am sorry that you are hurting so much. I think that you sound like a wonderful mother. I am sure her behaviour is a lot to do with her own out of control emotional state and not a fair reflection on your parenting. Take care of you and take the space that you need.

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speaking of songs.....lyrics......here is one of hers... she needs to pick up that guitar again......it was therapy

Bathroom Floor

Oh my God, where have I landed this time?

Cause this seems so unfamiliar to me

My hands are numb and I can't see

whats in front of me

And I wonder who I'm gonna be

When you see me again.

I don't know how I got here, but I'm here, yeah

I just woke up in this strange place all alone

And I don't know where I want to be

But I am dazed and I am sick

of this bathroom floor

and I wonder who I'm gonna be

When you see me again.

And as write this down

my head is killing me

And as I scream out loud

these words they are my poetry

Of days that could have been the end of me.

I am dazed and I am sick

of this bathroom floor

and I wonder who I'm gonna be

When you see me again.

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You are only human Lyn. Nobody is perfect. Anyone who loves their child would hurt if their child is emotionally ill and is acting out. When I am sick I say horrible things to my mother. I know she loves me. I am doing better now that she tells me not to speak to her that way when I am yelling or being mean. I don't mean to hurt her its just that I get so angry and out of control. It is not me and she recognizes now when I am ill. Daughters do not tell their mothers how much they are appreciated. One day she will grow up and will be telling you how much she loves you. Hold on till that day happens. I see how much you hurt now over this. You need to distance yourself from her and her situation and find other outlets (activities/hobbies) and other people who you find comfort in being with. This is her painful life and you do not deserve to suffer and hurt as much as she does. You need your life. She needs a mother who does not get dragged along.

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  • 3 weeks later...

You are only human Lyn. Nobody is perfect. Anyone who loves their child would hurt if their child is emotionally ill and is acting out. When I am sick I say horrible things to my mother. I know she loves me. I am doing better now that she tells me not to speak to her that way when I am yelling or being mean. I don't mean to hurt her its just that I get so angry and out of control. It is not me and she recognizes now when I am ill. Daughters do not tell their mothers how much they are appreciated. One day she will grow up and will be telling you how much she loves you. Hold on till that day happens. I see how much you hurt now over this. You need to distance yourself from her and her situation and find other outlets (activities/hobbies) and other people who you find comfort in being with. This is her painful life and you do not deserve to suffer and hurt as much as she does. You need your life. She needs a mother who does not get dragged along.

I just wanted to let you know how much your message meant to me. Its been a crazy time here, but I often check in to see whats going on with you folks, even if I don't have time or feel like writing myself. The encouragement and level of understanding that I have found here is invaluable. You guys have helped to undergird me on some of the most difficult days of my life. Funny, I can't even see you and probably never will. But your love and support is tangible. I really feel it and I know that you really do care to take the time to respond with such love. I just needed to tell you that. This site has been a "true gift" from God for me.

Virtual hugs to all of you!

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