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i just wanna rant


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for all my/our political screaming and yelling about how multiplicity is NOT a disorder, but a different way of experiencing the world - for all my insisting that none of us are unworthy of time to grow and heal - for all my fights to maintain the rights of those who can't speak for themselves here or anywhere.....

.... i don't wanna be multiple today.

i don't wanna feel the heavy, body-draining sadness of children who will never have the life they want.

i don't wanna hear about how unfair it is that we have to behave like "grownups".

i don't wanna hear how it would be so sweet to just get drunk, come on, it's only a few drinks, you'll be fine...

i don't wanna hear about how sweet it would be to draw bloody beatiful lines on my forearm (you know, to match the other ones).

i don't wanna hear about wanting to die.

i don't want to hear about going back to bed after 14 hours asleep.

i don't want the incessant flashbacks of someone who believes it's twenty years ago.

I JUST WANNA BE ME! I WANT TO HAVE JUST MY OWN BRAN COOTIES ALL MY MYSELF! I DON'T WANNA FIX ANYBODY TODAY I DON'T WANT TO HELP ANYBODY I DON'T WANT TO SHARE I DONT WANT ANYTHING BUT SILENCE PLEASE DEAR GOD SILENCE AND PEACE.

and i know it's never going to happen, ever. i'll never be free of this. and if given the choice i would refuse anyway. becuse some days are not like this. some days i really believe we'll be okay. i just can't do it today. i feel like i can't do it any more ever.

thank you if you read my pity party. i'm in medication hell level three (the kind where you find a potentially good drug and the insurance won't pay and you can't afford it). medication hell level four comes next, when i start screaming i can't take it anymore and go to sleep-away camp for a few days becuase i get given a med that has failed six times already.

please everybody feel better than this today, k?

- rita

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i have nothing useful to say, but thought you'd like to know we'd read it and nodded a lot and said to one another "oh god, i hate those days" and "i'm glad we're past the lots of flashbacks" and other commisserative things.

abi (et al)

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thanks, abifae. the flashbacks sure are less than they used to be (or maybe we just deal better), but they still suck when they're frequent. glad your have lessened too. i'm sure it was hard work.

- rita

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My best mate suffers from multiple personality disorder and I know how hard it is for her. I really feel for you. I think that you're brave and wonderful to take such good care of yourself.

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thanks karuna. right now it's all about being sane/healthy to raise our daughter, not necessarily to benefit ourselves... but i have a feeling it's a side-effect anyway to do that kind of work ;)

and thanks for being a non-clueless friend of a multiple. there aren'e enough out there.

- rita/rusty

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