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melissaj

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Age isn't the factor, it's the illness.

Seconded. Age makes absolutely no difference, people of all ages cut and the method and amount of damage doesn't matter either, its the fact of harming yourself that is important. Cutting is addictive too, and once you've started it is very hard to stop. Do you have someone you can talk to about this? Feel free to PM me if you want to chat. I'll be thinking of you, stay strong.

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Mel, I am afraid I cut in my teens and I'm 22 now, so I'm not a cutter in my 30's. I agree that the desire to cope using cutting can hit at any age, what matters if your ability to bear the pain that you are in, not how old you are. I am concerned that you want to do it again, and seem to be feeling the same as you did when you cut. Did the police let you see someone medical to discuss the self harm? Do you have any contact with pdoc services?

If you start to feel unsafe and need assistance I would urge you to go to ER and get the help that you deserve. Cutting doesn't have to evolve into a habit if you catch it early enough. Check out our pinned resources for alternative to cutting that might work for you.

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Mel, jesus, I'm 44 and I still cut. It *is* an addiction, and a damn hard one to break. I started in my late 20's, after a variety of SI's since childhood.

Please, get some help. Don't let this get a hold of you. I'm very concerned, please keep us updated on what's going on.

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you're not safe from yourself- you know that. that is because self-inury is an addictive behavior. please consider this and get professional help.

i've injured myself before through bruising and bashing.. this is no less a mutilitation than cutting. furtunately, my yes_ (ex) husband was there to break the tide and encourage wellness. i wish you all the wellness possible through a computer screen. i don't believe for a second that your children should be away from you because of your illness. there are millions of people in this world with an SI illness- that does not make them unfit parents. this country is bashed with the notion that anyone with MI is bad and harmful. the news is that we are just other people who are frail and have weaknesses like everyone else. what about the crack addicts they give their kids so easily back to? or what about the meth addiccts (as i learned from experience) they let their kids so easily back to once they attend "partenting" classes?

it seems to me that the world is bent against the MI and for the drug abusers, people who through their own frailty have become MI. i agree that others will agrue with my assesment of the drug abusers and will agrue that drug abuse is an MI. i am not continced so, based on the dymanics of my family. i believe that we all have a choice whether to sniff meth or cocaine into our noses or not, and we have the choice whether to keep our children or not...

this is a passionate subject for me, because i ended up with the 3 children of a meth abuser. don't forget that i was a sinle woman wome day, and the nexy i was a mother when the children services's people announced to me that my siblings had favored me as guardian and that i would be their guardian. i was 24 and suddenly had 3 kids and had to pay for them.

don't think that children's services paid for them- think again! i was the one who maxed out my dillard's charge buying them clothes because their clothes were kept in meth quarantine. i loved my sibs so passionately that i would do anything to save them from their mother, and from my dad, who was messed up enough to do anything for her. class dismissed.

don't think for a second that you don't deserve your kids. get it straight, realize that self-harm is not the path to feeling better about yourself, and experience the freedom that psychotherapy gives. you need a pdoc, not the shit you are doing to yourself. i've taken care of kids who have been abused. abusing yourself is abusing your children. i've taken full responsibility of kids who wonder who wonder why, who wonder why their parents did such things. your kids deserve and DEMAND better. give them better. a 24 year old is not ready to handle the responsibility of 3 young children, suddenly and fully. you have to remember that your actions are full and perpetuate among people far and wide. not everyone can be the mother you can be; what your children expect you to be. not everything i could do, not as well as i could be, could be as great in their eyes as what their mother could be. remember in your heart that your children DEMAND AND DESERVE BETTER.

i rarely get so empassioned. but you deserve it. i took care of 3 kids for a year because their mom was a meth addict. you are an addict too. you deserve no less of a talking to from me. they deserve the world from you.

and i wish you all the world in giving it to them.

your,

loon

28 years old, having been foster mom to 3 younger siblings, a woman of the world who has been places and earned positions.

i see you and you see i, reflections of another day.

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  • 7 months later...

I'm glad you're doing better!

I bet you're children will be fine as they have a mother with courage, to face a very viscious illness, and strive towards change.

And hey if they have resentments when they're older an apology is all you can give. It's all I ever wanted from my mother who suffers from everything under the sun, and she gave it to me, and I have forgiven her.

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What's potentially scary is that I didn't know anything about self-injury until I found this forum a few years ago. I didn't know people did such things and it never occurred to me to do it to myself. But now that I know about it, I can see the allure (to feel something). And while I've never really been tempted to try it since finding out about it, I can see myself being in a place where I might. I'm 37, by the way.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest guest*Alison*

I am 38 and I cut myself for the first time last night. I'm in a rather complicated relationship with my lover (maybe I should say we are both complicated) and generally he is the kindest, most supportive guy I have ever known. We can't always be together because I have kids and he doesn't so I have school nights, sports practice, homework, etc. Last night he had plans with a bunch of his friends and I was staying home alone while the kids were with their father and waiting for them to get home. I was jealous and lonely and said so and then felt like I was given the bum's rush off the phone. He muttered something at the end that I didn't completely understand, but apparently misinterpreted. I sat in my room crying alone for a while, but then I had to call back to clarify. My mistake. When I did, he unleashed on me and yelled at me, cursing like I've never heard before (from him). I've been yelled at before, but it's always been in the context of a parent, grandparent, or friend telling me I'm crazy and then abandoning me. I wound up taking all the blame, because that's what I do. Sometimes I have trouble with affect and tone of voice, my own and other's. He was out so I sent an email outlining my condition, again, and telling them that I really thought he understood. OTOH, I understand if he doesn't want to deal with it, because lots of people don't once they get to know me a little better and get a peek at what's behind the curtain that I can generally maintain for public appearance. When he got home he first sent me a whiny email telling me he was too depressed to talk last night, but then he read the longer one in which I explained, again, my condition(s) and how my brain does or doesn't work. I've been in treatment on and off for years, and weekly sesions with a pdoc who does therapy for over two years. I'm med compliant and sometimes I'm OK, happy even, but sometimes I'm really, really not. His reply, while his friends were still there was that he didn't want to withdraw, but that he felt he had damaged our world beyond repair. Martyr much? Anyway, we talked later and I think he understood how frightening and damaging his actions were to me. I don't think it's bullshit, because like I said he is very honest and very supportive and seems to want to help me with my "issues" and is not without his own scars. He did apologize and say with his understanding of how much it scared me that he would not yell again.

Anyway, before all of this, I was so distraught and in so much pain, I cut myself with a razor. I've never even considered anything like that before. I've had suicidal ideations, but that's pretty normal for someone like me with a fairly extensive history of suicide in my family, but I know how it feels to be the kid on the receiving end of that and would never do that to my kids. Somehow cutting seemed like a good middle ground. I was in so much pain inside wondering if this or any relationship would ever work for me, it helped to have the pain focused on the outside. It helped for a little while, but now I feel worse for having done it. What if one of my kids sees it? I can keep it covered while it's healing, but I did it in a pretty obvious place. OTOH, it's a place I had a tattoo removed which already had some scarring so maybe it will blend in as it heals. I'm really just terrified that I not only thought of it, but acted on it. I'm afraid to talk to my pdoc about it, too. I don't want him to feel like after two years of work with me I'm going backwards instead of getting better. He has been very helpful and I have been getting better. I've had some other health problems and a lot of stress for the last couple of months, so maybe that's what it is.

Thanks for listening.

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  • 1 month later...

welcome magicblue -- you're definitely not alone! I really must second the earlier comment that it's not the age, it's the illness. I'm in my mid-thirties and my cutting only got really serious when I was around your age. So talk away if it'll help - there's plenty of good support and understanding around here.

Mia

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I feel a fraud posting here,Im getting closer and closer to cutting,Im 33 and feel nothing else helps maybe it would?

What I do at the moment which is kind of a cop out I guess, is I hack my hair off,and Im worried actual cutting could be the next step,I just have so much self hatred right now,I need to do something thats for sure

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I started cutting when I was 41 and very unwell.

I use to self-abuse through sex, drink and drugs when I was younger and thinner. As this wasn't an alternative anymore I started cutting instead. For me it's in response to the overwhelming pain - obviously this is so not healthy.

Also on a practical note I now can't wear short sleeves and I've had people physically move away from me when they caught sight of the scars. It scares them. It really scared my parents too - and would be very frightening for children to see as well.

Do I wish I hadn't started - definitely.

Is it addictive - highly!!!

Are there other healthy ways to handle the pain - DEFINITELY!!!

Make a plan of other alternatives such holding ice in your hand and crushing it, wearing an elastic band and pinging it. People here will probably have many other suggestions too.

Here's an image to think about - what if you were to go on holiday to somewhere sunny by the ocean and your children wanted to go swimming with you?

How do you think they would feel and react if you came onto the beach wearing a swimming costume and covered with scars?

Hawk

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I'm a recovered cutter. I cut at 15-17, and then again at age 30. I had some PTSD triggers. Going into trauma therapy was incredibly difficult for me, and triggered all kinds of issues with wanting to cut, suicidal ideations. I started scratching at my arms, legs and stomach while in therapy, and slowly had to get the issues out.

I don't know, I think cutting was a response to how numb and fucked up I feel. You have so much pain on the inside you just don't know how to get out.

I started thinking the other day about an issue and I started to feel so much shame, and I got the impulse. Then I stopped myself. Eventually you just learn to identify triggers and stressors. It can be a very complex process.

As Loon said

DEMAND AND DESERVE BETTER.

That is sort of my inner goal with therapy, and life.

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