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Hello, I'm China, I'm ADD and I AM A NURSE--


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There will be no repercussions from the Nursing Board, I am free to work and BE A NURSE.

In addition, after a long talk with hubby and pdoc, big changes in the med picture. Pdoc has never really thought I was anything more than severely ADHD--all the cycling, depression, anxiety,etc. etc. comes from that. Since I made the decision last night that I wanted OFF most of these meds, I am agreeing with him, and we have worked out a program to taper off everything but the Adderall and the Tegretol--and he agreed with the Ambien, since my husband does NOT sleep, and one of us has to.

I have to find out who I am--I have had almost 4 years of the medication go-round, and its gonna stop, NOW. I agree about the ADHD--I always thought that, because of the (what I thought was a weird) reaction I had to all the speed I used to use. I just got normal on it, not like everyone one else I knew who got strung out and crazy. Same result I get from the Adderall--what a coincidence (NOT)

I looked over last night a folder I have kept for the last 3 years and it looks like a "What am I today, and what med should I take" report. In addition, I realize that I am spending 20 hours out of 24, sometimes, thinking about, worrying about,writing about, charting moods, keeping up with meds trying to figure out HOW I FEEL and how I can change it. How BATSHIT is that???? So--I have declared it over, with my pdoc's help, we will work my way back to being as close to just plain ole ME as I can get.

Its time to go back to being me, and working with my therapist on being the best person I can be as I get old.

I still plan to drop in here, hope thats OK, and I still hope you guys will PM me and keep up with me--if I can ever get my Springer to work right again.

I love you guys, and I'll let you know how this goes. Hopefully a new job with less stress,(and good money) and a LOT of beach time!!

china, BSN,RN

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China,

Great news from the nursing board and your pdoc! I wish you all the best. I always wonder why, with the med changes I've gone through, do I not feel closer to how I felt before the MI reared it's ugly head? I hope you are able to get back to the real you. You deserve it...

D

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Yeah, and its hard as hell--but I am working on being me, being positive, and getting on with my life. (And getting my BALLS back, for sure!!)

But the job situation is terrible--have an interview Mon. for a part-time/on call thing with Hospice (which I really want to do) but I need FULL TIME. I e=-mailed the OB job and told them I would work at the salary they usually pay LPN's, since they advertised for an LPN--that's about $5-6/hour less than RN's, but I WANT THAT JOB, and the job is more important than the $$. (As long as I can help us live on the $$)

I have to be generating income before April 1--and that is not far off. Anxiety rears its ugly little head. I am coming off the WB this week and next, then the Zoloft in the next 2. Down to 1 Klonopin a day (usually)--keep your fingers crossed. Husband has been wonderful, very supportive=="sent" me to the beach today to chill out for a while.

Got to stay busy, thats the key--

thanks for the kind words and support, kiddies--

china

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Well, its now 8:30, and the day has completely fallen apart-no dinner cooked for my husband like I promised, no nothing except having to take an extra Klonopin for the gut-tearing, soul=-eating anxiety.

I guess its normal to have these delusions of great glory and wonderful changes and then let yourself and others down now and then--I've just tried so hard all week to be positive and motivated and to do SOMETHING every day, towards a job. Well, I did work on the job thing today,. but am not very encouraged.

But I am gonna get thru this. One bad evening does not mean I have failed. Maybe it means I need to give my self permission to fuck up now and then--

to bed--

china

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Its the money thing/lack of job/lack of even available jobs that is kicking the anxiety into super-high. I have to be generating some income within a month--and there is just nothing.

I have a slim chance of finding something for Bike Week--I can sell the fuck outa tee shirts to yuppies on motorcycles--but that would be at most a 10-day gig.

Just finished even going over the hospital jobs--all 12-hour shifts, which I KNOW spell sure and certain and SWIFT disaster for me. There are LPN jobs out the ass--cheaper to hire them than an RN, so nobody wants to even interview RN's. except the hospitals.

Last night, I tried some relaxation tapes before bed, which really helped--even if I wanted to take extra Klonopin, I couldn't cause I can't get the Rx renewed till next week, so I have to count them out for at least one a day.(Which leaves NO EXTRAS, even when I am curled up on the couuch, howling like a wounded animal)

I am just plain scared--and then so fucking mad at myself for blowing a great job with incredible pay. No one to blame but me.

Here comes the headaches, and the knots in my stomach, and the anxiety attack will be shortly behind them. Jesus.

china

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hiya china,

even in the course of this thread, you bounce around like some sort of rubber gym class ball. be easy on yourself- being unemployed is one of those top stressors. having no money (from being unemployed) is a very high stressor. just living life, and taking it as it comes, is all you can do for now.

i haven't kept up with your springer (i'm not a springer fan ha haha), but if they didn't give you enough training at your old job and you didn't feel like you were adjusted enough, then it is their problem for losing a great employee. stop putting the blame on yourself. unless you gave 10mg klonopin to the wrong person, chances are you didn't do anything "bad" enough to be fired after having been there such a short time. usually places are more forgiving of new people. it just comes down to politics. who knows what the story behind it was?

there's always a reason for everything in our lives. there was even a reason for my stint last year when i was too sick to work, unpaid and away from work, and living on food baskets.

you'll bounce up, i know you will. there are reasons, just trust that you're a talented and wonderful person who WILL get hired and be able to make good money.

loon

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Thanks. loon. Yeah, I am sure there is a plan here--I have always lived my life that way, reason for stuff happening. And this has been a weird week, since I decided that a lot of my bat-shittedness was from a strange combo of meds, and--mainly--cause I feel so fucking sorry for myself.

I DID screw up, but it'll be OK, somehow--I am trying to stay fairly level, and have done pretty well--this board being the exception LOL. At least the anxiety right now is pretty much situational--I mean, wouldn't most "sane" people be worried about being unemployed and needing money?

It will, however, be interesting for my new tdoc to see me for the 2nd time only at 5PM--I am a different cat at 5PM than I am at 10AM=--BIG difference.

So--got thru the evening without too much bad shit,dinner got made, stuff got done, and I am going to go to bed since I have a "job interview" of sorts at 10- AM tomorrow. And I realize not much of this makes sense, but thank you for your good thoughts--

Hope you're doing better, too--

onward and upward???

china

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