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So I went to the ID Dr. on Friday for bloodwork results, showed up pretty sick. Next thing I know I'm being admitted into the hospital. thrombocytopenia....great. Blood platelets were down to 20,000. Liver levels were all over the place. Nightmare city. Damn nurse couldn't get an IV started on me, I totally railed on her and caused a scene. After that it was shots of valium and everything's fuzzy.

Anywho, the HIV cocktail isn't working, just making me sick ;) So, back onto that med-go-round.

Because of my organs failing to process drugs right they pulled me off about everything. He wants me to go 2 weeks off HIV meds and psych meds (I said ok but I refuse to give up my lamictal and klonopin).

So I go back in about a week and a half, and if my blood platelets are up they're going to do a biopsy of my stomach, small intestine, and large intestine. fun fun fun. Hopefully go back on meds then too.

I guess my only saving grace right now is that I'm too damn tired and worn out to feel or experience anything. I've definately fallen down into depressionland, but it's warm...so it's ok. I'm hoping I can hover down here and not flip off the handle.

The biopsy is to find out why anything I put in me comes back out within 30 min. I was really dehydrated and anemic when I went in on Friday, so I guess all that water and vitamins just went right on out. Still hasn't stopped. I should buy stock in immodium. Still makes me wonder if I'm absorbing the lamictal at all. I chew up the klonopins and seem to get some effect from them, I've been eating the lamictal too...it's gross......

Everything's all messed up, inside and out. I quit my 2nd job so I could try to rest more, still have more things to do to plan for the move but right now I'm just too worn out.

Think about suicide alot..then think why bother...just don't take any meds and let time run it's course...

My body is a difficult brother

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So I went to the ID Dr. on Friday for bloodwork results, showed up pretty sick. Next thing I know I'm being admitted into the hospital. thrombocytopenia....great. Blood platelets were down to 20,000. Liver levels were all over the place. Nightmare city.

Yeah, a relative of mine has to deal with that (not down to 20K in a long while, luckily). It's nasty business when you're that sick.

I guess my only saving grace right now is that I'm too damn tired and worn out to feel or experience anything. I've definately fallen down into depressionland, but it's warm...so it's ok. I'm hoping I can hover down here and not flip off the handle.

There's something a little freaky when the depression is so depressed that it's not that depressing.

After all this hell, I hope they can find out SOMEthing that will do you some good.

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Thanks for your reply. Still here. Didn't get to go celebrate fat tuesday, but watched a really really good movie called mysterious skin. Highlight of the past 2 weeks. It was warm enough for short-sleeves today and everyone here at work is all freaked out, I look like I've been beaten. Both my hands, arms, shoulders, etc. are all brused where they tried to stick me, plus the fact that I bruise really easy right now. I feel like beating my head against the wall until I spark a bleed, but I'm too tired. Too tired to do anything really, never been down physically like this. I hauled my ass in here just to get out of the house, away from the packing and shit that needs to be done there. So much do to here, at home, prep for the move, etc. UGH. I used to think I could handle anything thrown my way somehow, but this stuff.......I don't know. I'm going to go sleep on a couch in the studio.

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I wish I could have been your nurse, I have learned how to start IV's etc. with folks who have whacked-out immune systems, low platelets, etc. I know where you're at--and I am sending you all the healing and strength I can summon up.

Please hang on--we care, I care, don't bail on us. Take your time, be nice to yourself, baby steps--and please drink lots of water. I know that sounds so stupidly simple, but it will make you feel a bit better, cause a lot of what you're feeling is being dehydrated.

Life sux sometimes--but you can make it--

china

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Thanks ;) I'm hanging in here.....I use my hospital water jug to measure my water intake, I try to hit 180oz a day. It may seem extreme but I'm losing fluids just as fast. Right now I'm just trying to restrain myself from murdering my co-workers. I'm thinking of going to the hospital after work and asking for some zyprexa, I just can't stand it. I guess the plus side of this is I'm on day 11 of sobriety. Honestly mostly because my body rejects it as soon as I put it in, and I don't want to tear my throat and start puking blood. I haven't had a smoke in 4 days either, I just can't inhale. Hopefully quitting these 2 things will happen now and for good.

I've also gotten over my needle-phobia, despite the IV nightmare from hell. I've been poked more times in the past 2 months than I have in my entire life! Tomorrow I go shed some more at the GP dr. to see where my platelets & liver enzymes are after stopping meds. I'm PRAYING that I get to start my psych meds again. Never thought I'd say that. Not looking forward to a new hiv regimen though, it's quite unpleasant.

My pills have their own little names. My crazymeds are called my crack pills, and my hiv meds are my poison pills.

I just wish I could speed up time to healthy. I'm no good at being down like this. Especially when my moods are all out of wack.

Now if I could just get this voice telling me "you did this to yourself" to shut up, and get these grey blobs out of my vision I'd be ok for tonight....baby steps.

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I wish I could have been your nurse, I have learned how to start IV's etc. with folks who have whacked-out immune systems, low platelets, etc.

Rule #1 being: if the patient tells you to skip the vein you see *so* clearly, and directs you to the pale blue trace ... go for the one pointed to.

Maybe, just maybe, they know which one rolls and which one collapses if you look at it funny. (M.E.M. one day you will see the humor in this)

Sobriety, even enforced by obnoxious medical issues, is still a step forward. Hopefully, it'll be a little easier to manage than it was when your health

improves. And if your co-workers stare at your bruises, just point out they haven't seen the other guy yet! (If you're out at work "Guess who's

sleeping on the couch for the rest of the month!" also shuts people up... long enough to go run off to gossip anyway )

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Rule #1 being: if the patient tells you to skip the vein you see *so* clearly, and directs you to the pale blue trace ... go for the one pointed to.

My son's veins roll - he always has had his lithium levels taken out of the back of his hand. That's how he prefers it. Of course, when he was younger everyone wanted to argue with him about it and I would have to make them do it his way.

Now he's 6'3-1/2" and he doesn't get any arguments. ;)

MEM, I hope you get to feeling better soon. I have a friend who's in your position and he makes a joke about which is worse - my mood swings or his platelet swings - but I'm sure it's his swings. Take care of yourself as best you can.

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Thanks for your replies. Karma has swung upward for me this evening. Between getting support here I had a co-worker who I have had a MAJOR crush on for a while come back and ask if I was ok, very out of the ordinary. We actually had a real conversation, which sent me into infatuationland. Of course, in my book infatuation leads to mania which leads to you know what...but for now, I'll enjoy it. I probably put him off a little because my face was bright red and I kept giggling. His mouth kept contorting when he was talking like he was talking like mr. ed.

I'm becoming familiar with the "rolling of the veins". I'm wondering if I went to our local tech school and became a phlebotomotist (sp?) if they would let me stick myself. If all my meth head friends from high school can hit their veins why can't I.

I try to be humerous about my medical situation. I call hiv my "booty-flu". Still thinking on what to call thrombocytopenia. Hopefully the blood platelet thing is temporary, they think it's a side effect of the kaletra, hence me being off HIV meds right now. I'm also taking a steroid to try to help boost them back up. I have to get up to 100,000 by next week for my biopsy, or they're going to give me platelets and then do it. Tomorrow I'll find where I stand. Until then, I'm going to enjoy my current mood of infatuation before it leaves.

Ugh..biopsy...my mood deflates...ugh.....can't I at least enjoy something for more than an hour?

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:) Thanks for the effort cockers. I went to the ER (the hospital I worked at) after work, they know ALL about me and got me back in there pretty quick. After the routine psych evaluation (they are so funny when I look back at them..."please write the same sentence 5 times") I got an injection of 10mg of zyprexa ;) ...then they let me rest a while and turned me loose. (I told them I had a ride home..oops) I didn't go home empty handed though, I got 7 10mg zyprexa zyds. Liver be damned, I need some resemblance of sanity right now. All these damn med changes....I hope I can get back on zyprexa and stay on it. I know alot of people hate it, and it has really fucked up my blood sugar, but it works better than anything.

Much better now. Groggy but quiet inside. It calmed my tummy rumbles enough for me to keep my lamictal down for almost 3 hours now, hopefully enough to fully absorb.

Off to bed, sick or not I got alot of shit to deal with tomorrow, not to mention this weekend. I got approved for a mortgage when I was in the hospital. Now I have to (hopefully) buy this house that is 600 miles away. I REALLY want to see it in person before I get locked in, which means a 2 state drive north. In a drugged stupor I now think...if you can pull this off now, with all this shit going on, you can do anything. I hope I can cling to this feeling and ride it to shore.

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Hi,

do you have any friends or NICE family that could help you drive to see the potential new house? or is this something you've been wanting to do on your own?

either way - my heart goes out to you. I cant imagine all these meds and the pro's and con's they do to your body.

sometimes I think science has made some great strides....and then other times I think that "we" havent even hit the tip of what can be done to heal the body & brain.

I hope you are able to get plenty of rest. and that your "numbers" are good & healthy!!

much love,

december

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"BOOTY FLU"--that is the best Ihave ever heard--can I share it with some of my other HIV + friends? I am still snickering--

Made my day, kiddo-- but no, they won't let you stick yourself. They like to call that drug abuse, which mever made sense to me, either--

china

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Of course you can share "booty-flu" ;) I find it's way easier to tell prospective partners that way then to say "I'm HIV+".

Woke up this morning on the couch, had that brief moment of "what? where?". Saw my box of zyprexa zyds and the paperwork on my coffee table and remembered going to the ER. I still don't remember posting last night. I also seemed to have gorged myself with food too, which is still inside me :) Thank you zyprexa. My blood platelets are up to 44,000, which is better. I have to wait for the rest of the CBC to come back. I screwed up my fasting glucose test and drank a big glass of OJ this morning right after I woke up. GP wasn't too happy that I went and got zyprexa, but seemed to kind of understand when I explained life without. Also called ID dr. and my drug resistance tests are back, so I get to go over there next week and discuss a new HIV cocktail...mabye I'll put that off a bit.

I don't have any family close that will drive me, I'm kind of astranged from all of them. I do think I'm going to rent a fast car with an automatic transmission and cruise control though. My 40 year old car, while good, gets tedious on long drives.

I wish I could talk someone into going with me, I'd like more 2nd opinions before buying.

Anyway, a MUCH better day today. Feel more stable and rational. Having food in me helps ever so much too. I'm just anxious to get my bloodwork back to see if I can get the OK to take ALL my psych drugs at their proper dosages.

Thanks for all your replies. This is my support group, my friends. If I didn't talk about this stuff here it would all be stuck in my head, and I'd explode. I've always been proud of my fierce independence, but sometimes you just need to get it out.

So thank you all :cussing: I'm going to hope that this is a turning point twords better health. Still sober and not smoking!!!

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Well, rented myself a car on break, I leave after work tonight. Can't wait for this night to be over.

I drive an old beetle normally, it's in great shape, but on long car rides it can be tedious. I want something really fast with cruise control and cup holders for this trip lol. I see my prospective new house tomorrow at 1:00!

I'll quit posting on this thread though, and make a topic on the springer board. With zyprexa on board and no HIV meds I'm not feeling nearly as sick, mentally or physically. I'm just really fatigued, but ah well. I think this weekend will bump me over the hump into feeling better about life.

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