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Adventures in Crazyland


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Well, I'm in that sucky place where I don't know which way is up. If I had to classify my mood, manic depressed mixed whatever, I couldn't. I feel flat edging toward depression, I guess. I've more I could say about that, but I can't because I'm too paranoid right now. I would agonize and come back and edit it out so I won't bother. I'm not doing too great, I'll say that much.

I'm paranoid and anxious, that much is for sure. I keep freaking out, in short intense bursts of freaked-outed-ness. (Behold my brilliant mastery of the English language and weep, mortals! ;) )

All in all, I don't know what to do or how to hang on. If I were giving myself advice, I'd tell me to call the pdoc post-haste. But I can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I'm scared of it. I'm scared of hearing a voice on the other end, letting it into my head and into my house. Intruder.

Can't sleep, scared of nightmares, lots of nightmares, too paranoid of what will happen while I sleep. MIGHT happen. So I stay up until I'm ready to drop and get up in 4 hours to begin the day. I should be sleeping now.

I have an appointment in 3 weeks. That's an awfully long time. And I have a lot on my plate right now to take care of, and the stress is making it worse, and I have no way out of the stress or the responsibilities right now, and no one here to ease the load. Trust me on this. No way out. Let me repeat, for I chant this every night- no. way. out. I've never gotten a formal OCD diagnosis but it runs in my family and I only notice traits of it these days when I'm under a lot of stress. I've been doing a lot of pacing and a lot of chanting- that's what I call it. Circles in my head, the hamster on the wheel is about to collapse from exhaustion.

Well. No answer to this post, right? What do you say to this? I have nothing to say to it, so why should you? Just someone tell me what to do. How to be free while in prison- because that's what it feels like. I tell myself it's because I'm sick that I feel this way, but all I hear in my head is what a pathetic loser I am, so weak to have these feelings, so weak not to be able to do what everyone else on the planet can do. Broken. I like the little violin guy but I hate watching it. He should go here though <>

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I'm dashing thru ont he way to bed....

call your pdoc Wednesday morning. get a short appointmetn. tell them how bady you are feeling, don't sugar coat.

I know you are at the start of a long haul till hubby comes back. It's important that you start things on an even keel, so you can maintain a steady strain. hmmm, ok thats sailor talk, but you get the idea. ;)

a.m.

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can you fax your pdoc?

is that easier than the phone for you?

my computer has a fax as a printer, i just plug my comp into my phone and "print" a word document. (you can make a signature in paint if you want.)

sometimes when i can't do the phone, when it's just.too.much to use the phone, faxing/emailing/writing is better.

you need some relief. something. a change in meds, a change in dosage.

this is going to be a long and hard time on you, i'm not going to pretend that it's not and try to wrap it in ribbons.

but you are strong.

so, i will say what you would say, get in touch with your pdoc.

push through the fear, even if it means sending a post card.

heck, i'll call your pdoc for you and make an appointment if it'll help.

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Well, I'm in that sucky place where I don't know which way is up. If I had to classify my mood, manic depressed mixed whatever, I couldn't. I feel flat edging toward depression, I guess. I've more I could say about that, but I can't because I'm too paranoid right now. I would agonize and come back and edit it out so I won't bother. I'm not doing too great, I'll say that much.

I'm so sorry you're not doing so great. It's so hard when you have responsiblities and there is no way around them and no help with them. Please try not to fixate on them, as you know, it makes them worse! You are a strong person and you will get through this.

All in all, I don't know what to do or how to hang on. If I were giving myself advice, I'd tell me to call the pdoc post-haste. But I can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I'm scared of it. I'm scared of hearing a voice on the other end, letting it into my head and into my house. Intruder.
However you need to do it, get hold of your pdoc! You NEED to do this in order to get past these feelings of crisis you are having. Can you try one of Penny's suggestions? Any way you get in touch with the pdoc is ok as long as you do it.

Well. No answer to this post, right? What do you say to this? I have nothing to say to it, so why should you? Just someone tell me what to do. How to be free while in prison- because that's what it feels like. I tell myself it's because I'm sick that I feel this way, but all I hear in my head is what a pathetic loser I am, so weak to have these feelings, so weak not to be able to do what everyone else on the planet can do. Broken.

Faith, not everyone else on the planet is able to live a "normal" life. Hell, I'd say there are very few who go through life without having the same feelings you are having right now. You are NOT a loser! You tell that voice in your head to take a hike. I wish I had better advice for you, but just know that you've got people that care about you and want you to feel good.

D

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What can I say? Been there done that. got the tee shirt? I have--and I'm sorry its your "turn" to be there.

I hope you've made that phone call--but then, it took me 2 weeks to take a shower recently, so I can imagine the evils of the phone. (Believe me, my dear husband, who never said a word, was greatly relieved TODAY when I energed, actually clean all over)

Why are we so scared of that phone? I know I am--won't even answer it half the time.

Hope by now you're headed up--and you got "aholt" (as we say) of that phone and got "aholt" of your pdoc. Please keep in touch. There is something so reassuring about finding that you got a response to your message, even if someone just says hi, how are you. Cause we're here, and there are a shit-load of us, and we care. ("We're here., we're batshit, get over it!!"??)

china

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