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I am so pathetic...


Ophelia

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This is kinda a long story and I really do not have the energy to go through it all, so chances are that this will not make sense... I don't know... I have just been so blah lately. My moods are all over the place, I have cried uncontrollabley more times than I can even count in just this last week alone...

now skip a whole lot of shit to get to last night / this morning... it had to be around 3AM, maybe later... I had taken an ambien hoping that maybe i would go to sleep at some point... my friend comes into my room...

:::note- a lot of this i did not actually realize when it was happening, but i sort of remember bits and pieces of it now, looking back... not even close to everything, though... yay ambien:::

Anyway, she has some stuff that is bothering her... situational stuff... but, ya know... she wouldn't open her mouth and was playing games with me earlier in the day when I was actually halfway cognizant of the world around me... but nooooo, just wait and shit... don't fucking trust me on ambien, man... it should be obvious that one might not be in the correct state of mind to listen to and deal with shit. well, at some point i look at my calender and then share with her that today (referring to 2/20) was a major milestone for me... 50 days without cutting. it is one of those major numbers, ya know? as i say it, i guess i feel myself becoming triggered since, well, i have been and fighting it off majorly bc everything has been shit. my eyes move to my desk and catch something sharp. i lost track of time completely, but i stared and stared and stared at the sharp shiney metal. i could not remove my eyes from it or even move in general. I don't know. She left my room at some point, went to hers and went to sleep. i was still sitting at my desk. The fact that I would do something was probably just imminent anyway... I just wish that someone could have at least tried to stop me. ambien + just talked about cutting + MAJOR mood shift + various other things... yeah... After a while, i left my room, went to the livingroom and sat in one of the big chairs... don't know how long I was there for. then i went into the kitchen... i saw my friend's steak knives on the counter. i took one and just held it to my arm... i didn't think that i would actually do anything, but i did... right there in the fucking kitchen. i didnt even realize what i had done until i already did it. i didn't do too much damage really, it is just the principle of the thing... that i actually did it... right after i said that i went 50 days without cutting. of course, i had to go and sabotage all of that in just one moment of stupidity.

i feel so bad about myself. i feel such guilt. i shouldnt even be here. this week alone i have.... well.... kinda slightly ODed on some stuff because i just wanted to die. first time was just aspirin, my friend found it and put it away... second time i took a few too many klonopin, then my friend caught me just as i was about to take aspirin, the bottle spilled, but i took a nice handful and swallowed them all before she got the chance to take them away. she took the rest away, though. then she watched me take a few shots of vodka... i may had taken one or two more klonopin, i don't know....

but there you have it. i suck... amazingly... yeah. i'm sorry for wasting your time and for wasting space. ugh, i shouldnt even post this. it is pointless. all it is is a bunch of fucking rambling and shit. i fail...

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Oph,

It sounds like you're really battling a lot, difficult emotions, suicidal impulses, lack of sleep, it all rolls into one and creates circumstances that overwhelm you. I'm worried that you need some help and some time out in a safe environment where someone can help you, it doesn't sound like your friend can or should be able to stand in your way all the time (and I am not saying you ask her to, but she doesn't seem to be able to help.) Can you get to ER or a pdoc to explain how bad things are and that you need help?

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You are not wasting time or space....you are valuable and this is important stuff you need to talk about. That is depression that distorts thoughts and creates loads and loads of guilt and shame.

I know it is discouraging. But you are NOT pathetic. You are human. Noone in the human form is perfect. You are learning, and you have found out this is not how you want to live.

And just think, you went 50 days...you know you have the ability to abstain for that long, so you will be able to do it again.

One day at a time. What's done is done. I know it's hard, but try not to dwell on mistakes, but learn from the pain.

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I'm worried that you need some help and some time out in a safe environment where someone can help you, it doesn't sound like your friend can or should be able to stand in your way all the time (and I am not saying you ask her to, but she doesn't seem to be able to help.) Can you get to ER or a pdoc to explain how bad things are and that you need help?

the problem is that i am really not in the position to do anything like that. one of the biggest reasons is that it is unacceptable to my family. they are clueless and would not accept or allow me to leave school for any amount of time... that doesn't leave much open...

I know it is discouraging. But you are NOT pathetic. You are human. Noone in the human form is perfect. You are learning, and you have found out this is not how you want to live.

And just think, you went 50 days...you know you have the ability to abstain for that long, so you will be able to do it again.

One day at a time. What's done is done. I know it's hard, but try not to dwell on mistakes, but learn from the pain.

i've gone longer without cutting before... a little more than a year, so now all these fucking numbers look like shit. this is something i have been dealing with for about seven years..... i've learned, i know things, yet i still end up breaking.

i am really thinking that i am hopeless... a complete hopeless case. i wish i could be better, i wish that i could get better, but that might just not be possble. i don't know.

yeah, none of this is worth reading... like most things i write... i seem to be a good thread killer, so why would my own thread be different.... i have work to do...

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i am really thinking that i am hopeless... a complete hopeless case. i wish i could be better, i wish that i could get better, but that might just not be possble. i don't know.

yeah, none of this is worth reading... like most things i write... i seem to be a good thread killer, so why would my own thread be different.... i have work to do...

Hey, hey, hey. Now this is depression talking if I've ever heard it. Part of depression is losing hope. The world can be interpreted as a horrid existence without a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that feeling and it is so uncomfortable.

Real, genuine change takes A LONG TIME. Think about how long it took for your personality to develop and for cutting as a coping mechanism to evolve. Took at least a decade, probably longer than that. So change is not going to occur over night, or one year. But you are making progress. You've gone a year and that is a major deal.

Often times when we are stressed, we revert back to our old ways of coping with things. That doesn't mean you are a bad person, that means you are relying on what you know to get you through the rough spots. You have an awareness that SI is not how you want to live, and that is more than some people.

I know it doesn't feel appropriate, but please be a little easier on your self.

I have the same tendency when I'm down. I make myself feel 100 times worse by being really hard on myself and dwelling in my mistakes.

Sending you some love. I hope you can take care of yourself today and do something nice for you. Hot bath? Cup of tea?

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