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promises mean nothing


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I promised my boyfriend after I ended up in A&E last night that I wouldn't SI until I go to see him on Monday, but I have and I feel bad about not caring. I feel bad that I break my promises because the urges are just taking me over, I want to wreck myself right now. Sometimes I just get the urge to totally destroy myself, as if that will in some way help. See how much damage I can do and still be alive. It's stupid but it's what's going through my head. I don't even really know what I'm thinking right now, I feel like a robot. I just feel so calm and collected when all I am focused on is SI.

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I went to the ER on Tuesday night, they nearly took my IP but decided to let me go in the end. I've now got an appt with the CMHT for a week on Monday (it would've been next Monday if I was around, apparently they only do assessments on Mondays). If I go to the ER again I'll probably just end up sitting there all night being bored and smoking like a chimney, then talk to a psych who will decide not to admit me because I know what day it is and I don't have a time-manner-place plan for killing myself. This is probably coming across as really aggressive and pissed off but it's not meant like that, I'm just feeling very upset at the moment and don't really know what to do.

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