Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

this is really long, please only read if you wanna respond...


Recommended Posts

that's quite a post m'dear.

I'm not even sure what to tell you about your diagnosis, so I'll leave that one be.

Your kids seem to be having a tough time, which is pretty sad. To be so ill at such young ages, it's pretty upseting. I can easily see why you're not feeling better on wellbutrin, your situation is unimaginably stressful. It must take a lot to keep things together for so long, when you yourself are not well. I am impressed at your drive, personally.

About seeing a pdoc/tdoc; If you really feel you need it, I'd explore your options. Is there no way you can get a babysitter so you can go to appointments? friend? family member? daycare? I'm not sure what kind of options you've got, but I hope something along those lines is do-able.

I know what it feels like to have experience with a benzo, need it, and have no access. It's very tormenting knowing that a little pill could make things so much easier, if it weren't so heavily guarded. I don't have any advice there, just empathy.

Also, you really need to make time to make a schedule of your children's medication. It would probably only take a little bit of time, and greatly reduce your confusion.

It's not wrong for you to want some time to yourself. It's probably very tormenting to have all these issues with your kids, and to have just a little while to relax would probably do you good. I hope you find some way to get this into your schedule, because you so dearly deserve it. Don't feel guilty for wanting to give up.

You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can, and I'm sure your children appreciate that you're championing their battles.

I hope you feel better, because you deserve to. Good luck with your kids, I hope they get better! And I hope you get to see someone to get your issues out in the open and dealt with

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Betcsu!

Wow, what a handful. No wonder you feel overwhelmed. I'm amazed at how well you have done. And no, don't feel bad about about resenting the loss of personal time. Perfectly natural. There probably isn't a mom around who doesn't feel like they lose the adult self to the mom role at times.

The bipolar diagnosis may or may not be correct. Studies have shown that bipolars are depressed an average of 53% of the time. Much more time depressed than hypo/manic. Certainly you are having enough drama and tragedy to cause anxiety and depression.

When do you find time for an appointment for yourself? You need to find the time. You know what happens when you come unraveled. How will your family fare if you don't take care of yourself. You may or may not want to find someone to replace the Pnurse. You mention wanting to talk with a Pdoc, but most pdocs don't do therapy these days. I suggest that you would do better to add a therapist or counselor as someone to do talk therapy with. Even if you don't have deeper issues, just having someone to vent to, and who will provide feedback would be immensely helpful. Studies show that meds + therapy are much more effective than either alone. Social workers, LCSW, can be great listeners and empathetic, psychologists with masters, MS or PhD can do more clinical therapy.

You already recognize that things like school work and med tracking are starting to slip. You have been running a sprint for the recent past, but it's time to settle down for the long haul. You can't carry the load like you have been all yourself. Talk with your husband, take stock and figure out how to spread the load, or reduce it. Take care of yourself. Find a counselor/therapist, there are all sorts of them out there who can see you on short notice. Be sure that your Pnurse knows exactly what is going on, and how low you feel. Don't sugar coat it. Rather than ask for a specific med, try be matter of fact about your symptoms and then throw it back to the Pnurse with a "What can we do about this?". That comes off as less than med seeking.

Hang in there. We have Megabytes of storage space so don't feel shy about pouring your heart out here. That's what CB is for!

best, a.m.

p.s. I still like your username! ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry that I don't know what to type.

I'm sorry that things are so rough for you right now.

I really do hope that things get better for you AND your kids very soon.

I know how hard it is homeschooling. I homeschool my 14 yr old nephew

while my nearly 10 yr old niece is still in public school.

Hope things get better soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i think you explained everything very well. having 2 sick kids would depress the hell out of a normal person. no wonder you feel overwhelmed.....that must be a lot to cope with.

you have my sympathies, for sure! i'll be checking in on you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

betscu, I read it all. I'm overwhelmed jsut thinking about it, so I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I have a 4 & 7yo at home, so I know the worries and work that go along with it. My god, you've got your hands so full. You *need* someone to talk to, please. And don't berate yourself for wanting your own adult time, you MUST have it to keep going strong for your kids. This is an incredibly rough time for your family. I hope that the illness and stress can be resolved soon.

Please keep talking. We're here, and listening. I wish I had the greatest words of wisdom ever... sorry, I don't. But I am thinking about you, and worried.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i'm really sorry you're having a hard time. don't know what to say that might help (bad day here too), but i understand being way overwhelmed with parental duties while you are too nuts to be dealing with it. you need some help. you need someone to listen to you and this was a good place to start. i don't think you said too much at all. we can't make good helpers if we don't know everything that's going on.

i needed a friend who literally demanded that i get help for myself while something similar whas happeneing - all i could think of was what my daughter needed, and i wasn't seeing just how badly i had deteriorated. she went to appointments with me to scream at pdocs for better meds etc when i was too weak to do it myself (bless her). will anyone do this for you? when you're depressed it's too easy to get talked into a bad treatment idea (or even not let them know how bad it really is). my friend kept telling them i was NOT okay everytime i said i was fine (bless her again). i just didn't want to seem like a bad mother (or a drug-seeker). don't make my mistakes. nothing changes until it gets forced, either by you or someone with a loud voice that can help (And help with the kids, too).

i'm also sorry the little ones are feeling poorly. it's hard to stay stable through that.

keep talking. we're all listening even if most of us don't know what to say that helps.

-rita

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't really add anything to what's already been said...I just wanted to give you a *hug* and let you know that I understand how miserable it feels to be in such an emotionally fragile place ;) You know precisely how things need to be in order for you to build up your emotional fortitude, and yet you can't realistically ask the world to please ease up and be nice for just a little while. Bad things happen. People are rude and demeaning. It takes a lot of courage to simply keep going, and I hope you'll give yourself credit for handling things as well as you have.

Do please make the medication schedule, right away, because that's going to be easier than dealing with the immense guilt trip you're setting youself up for. You don't need that added guilt.

I think my meds need to be tweaked. Even if just temporarily until maybe my kids get well. If they get well.  I think I need to increase my AD and add klonopin for anxiety. I used to take this during a previous episode. I didn
Link to comment
Share on other sites

thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. im having a tough time with the tears right now and i can feel the physical changes of depression taking over. im slower, im sluggish, having a hard time being out of my room.

i am gonna call all the p-docs in my area and ask how much they charge being out of my insurance plan. i know i really really really need to go and change something. im sadder by the day... by the minute...

i just dont know if anyone will tweak anything since i wont be an established patient. so i dont know how much hope to hold out for that.

AM - i got a blurrbled above. what i was trying to say is i need to see a p-doc for meds and t-doc or nurse to talk to. but i sure wish there was a thing as a p-doc who didnt want to just dole out pills but wanted to also listen and act like they care. and that makes me even more sad....

im also gonna see if i can get an appointment to talk to someone. i just have a feeling that no one this is gonna happen very quickly. theres usually wait times to get in for new appointments.

i know this is a BAAAAAD idea, but im seriously considering just upping my WB myself. i take 300 sr right now, 150 in the am - 150 in the pm. what id be asking for is 450. thats not an unusual dosage so maybe i'll just pop two 150s in the am and a 150 in the pm until i can get in to see someone somewhere.

a friend of mine just brought me over her bottle of klonopin she no longer uses so i have about 20 of those for now. but i feel SO illegal. and i still have the fear of rejection if i ask for my own RX. i only took this once before during a three month high-stress time in my life and at the end of the 3 months, i still had leftovers. so i know i dont take them too much. i just know i need 'em. but will they believe me. ;) shoot... i dont even think theyll like me enough to trust me or believe me. *pout* i mean they wont know me from adam. so im a nobody to them. sheesh... i cant stop myself... trying to breathe deep... but everything hurts to hold it back...

but i am gonna make some calls tomorrow. were snowed in on our mountain so i know i wont be able to go anywhere tomorrow but i sure wish i had someone to go to RIGHT NOW! :)

the more i think about it, the more i dont even wanna talk about it or anything anymore. i just want it to all stop. but thats dream land and reality bites.

thanks again to all who responded. and to AM, thanks that you remember me. it means a lot to know that someone knows me, if only virtually. and thanks again about my name. i wish i felt as cute as it is...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Holy cow - that's a lot of stuff to be going on in combination with a depression. You deserve a medal for sticking it out.

BE CAREFUL w/ Klonipin. Really. Don't underestimate it. At least CALL doc and ask about upping WB - I just got bitchslapped from mine for fucking w. my dosages. Sarcastic SOB. Make the poor crazy girl cry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Betscu,

you wrote:

AM - i got a blurrbled above. what i was trying to say is i need to see a p-doc for meds and t-doc or nurse to talk to. but i sure wish there was a thing as a p-doc who didnt want to just dole out pills but wanted to also listen and act like they care. and that makes me even more sad....

There are pdocs out there that will also provide 30-45 minute talking therapy as well as the med adjustment (im sorry i cant remember the insurance term).

I had one who really straightened out my meds for me at the beginning of my tx. it was definitely nice to go to the same guy for everything. ive seen on cb a few that have gone to the same type of pdoc who also gives talking therapy. its like anything else - good and bad reviews.

if you call around (i didnt - i had a friend call for me) so if anyone or you calls around you can ask if the pdoc also provides talking therapy. and see how it goes.

it may also take a few weeks to get an appt with anyone new - tdoc or pdoc. so when you or a friend calls make it clear that you need help NOW.

much peace,

december

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow.

I would suggest that you speak to your doctor about a stronger AD. At least for me, Wellbutrin is not enough and I happen to take the same dosage of it as you. It has been my experience that WB works quite well when supplementing a different AD (I take Effexor.) Perhaps you might consider an AD that helps anxiety as well.

Hang in there and take care.

2utopian

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thanks for all the responses. i want to admit something right up front but i please ask that no one gets mad at me or tell me shame shame. i know i should be shamed... and im doing it to myslef plenty. ;) (

so here it is, i didnt make any calls for me this week. i got too anxious about the whole thing so i just went into denial about having to call. ive told my hubby that i need to but i cant and he asked if i wanted him to call for me. i told him no cuz honestly, i just want to not go back on the meds merry go round. WB has been GREAT for me till all this crap broke out.....

i am having another bad night. i just so tired. and i want it to end. not my life, just this crap. but it wont end and wishing it to go away wont help so here i am screaming from the inside and SO wishing to pull the covers over my head.

please please please pray for me to have the strength and courage to make some calls tomorrow. i know i should and i have no one to blame but my weak pathetic self.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would suggest that you speak to your doctor about a stronger AD. At least for me, Wellbutrin is not enough and I happen to take the same dosage of it as you. It has been my experience that WB works quite well when supplementing a different AD (I take Effexor.) Perhaps you might consider an AD that helps anxiety as well.

okay, this has gotten me thinking. actually i was sort of thinking about it last night but it wasnt a formal full fledged thought till you posted this.

i do believe that adding something might be more effective than changing dosage on what ive got. so what would be a good combo with WB that also addresses the anxiety.

i was actually looking up seroquel last night. i used it last year. dont know why i stopped. gonna need to go get my old journal and see what it says.

thoughts? or should i post this question in the AD section?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi

I wanted to respond to your last question about the Seroquel and anxiety...

...but first I wanted to say that I am a serious anxiety sufferer and I know...really know that thing about not making calls when the anxiety hits hard. I know it! Please don't apologize for it...it's a very real thing...not something we can control when the triggers are coming hard and fast...and yours are definitely coming big time. Please don't be hard on yourself right now. Be kind to yourself. Call when you can or definitely take your husband up on his offer if you need to...I think it's a good thing when people are there for us. It's like light in a very dark place.

Anyway. I take Seroquel on top of the stuff I take for depression. (I can't take WB or SSRIs for depression because of my BP...they will make me manic...I take Lamictal.) I really find it helpful. It helps me sleep and the sleep comes easy and when I'm sleeping, I sleep deeply. This is a good thing for my anxiety. Also, it calms my mind. Did you find that it did that for you, too? It seems to do that for a lot of people. That is a BIG help. And when the anxiety is bad for me and the dose goes up, it really calms me.

Just as an aside, Seroquel is actually in the final phases of trials for approval for treatment for generalized anxiety or something like that...

Finally, I wanted to say that I'm a mom, too...I'm actually homeschooling my two kids right now...one has high-functioning autism and one has severe anxiety and sometimes suffers depression and this year has been a real rollercoaster...my heart really goes out to you. My psychiatrist has said to me that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. When one of our children is suffering...well, the whole world can seem as if it is a cold, dark, confusing place. When two of them are in a bad place, well...look out. So your emotional rollercoaster ride is so totally understandable right now, certainly on top of your depression and med issues.

I hope I haven't overstepped or anything. I just know that life can be very, very challenging and you said some things in this thread that made me say, Oh, no, I wish I could somehow fix everything! Because I kind of know how bad this feels...of course not exactly...no one could...I just hope things get better for you and your family.

Take care of yourself. I hope you won't beat yourself up about your anxiety anymore. It's not your fault.

Sallie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

so here it is, i didnt make any calls for me this week....

i want it to end. not my life, just this crap. but it wont end and wishing it to go away wont help so here i am screaming from the inside and SO wishing to pull the covers over my head.

please please please pray for me to have the strength and courage to make some calls tomorrow. i know i should and i have no one to blame but my weak pathetic self.

Don't feel the need to apologize, I have sooooo been there. I am really into avoidance. THe ostrich syndrome - put your head in a hole and everything will just work itself out. Like how my old car that was outside my house mysteriously disapeared yesterday. It was probably towed, but I dunno. How did I deal with it? I went to a friend's house and got high. 'Cause that will definitely help. But I digress.

I am happy to hear your attitude of "I want it to end, but not my life" - that is awesome. Not that things suck but that you have enough sense to know suicide just isn't an answer, just something to make things worse. Feel free to pull covers over head. Seroquel is good for knocking the shit out of you and letting you sleep like a rock.

Cut out the negative self-talk thing. You are FAR from weak and FAR from pathetic. And feel free to blame anyone else. I blame the president.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Any mother would be overwhelmed in your situation. plus add all the mental/emotional crap and no wonder you are a wreck. I must say- that you must be doing something right- you got each child the medical attention they needed and are caring for them. Many mothers struggle with feeling that the kids and the husband come first and there is no question that it is hard to find personal "be nice to yourself time. Things will calm down- clearly this is a crazy hectic time and add the stress of worrying about your kids- yikes. i don't have kids- but i think being a mom is prpbably the hardest job on earth- sounds like you are doing a good joob at it.

Is there anyone you can think of in your life- a friend, a relative, a neighbor who might be able to help you write things down you feel you need to, or be someone to have tea with or someone who might babysit for a bit? Talking with your husband might be helpful too- we often assume they see what is going on with us, but so often they are oblivious and really need to be knocked over the head with very specific requests.- like plead will you do the dishes so i can take a bath or go for a walk.

i hope you are able to find some quiet time among all the chaos - even if it means sticking the kids in front of a movie on tv- sometimes self preservation is most important. take care of yourself as best as you can- know that we here are rooting for you and hope you and your kds are felling better soon. mrs l

Link to comment
Share on other sites

okay, so i made a dr appointment for this afternoon. i called my pcp and the dr i was using in that practice is gone now. so i'm gonna see someone new. of course now im bawling like a baby cuz i dont wanna go. i dont wanna NEED to go. ;)

im waiting on a call from my daughters homebound teacher and im sure i'll get that call while i'm out. crap-crap-crap-crap.

im just so tired..... *wiping tears*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...