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Came very close to slicing my wrists last week


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I've been especially depressed (more than normal) over the past several months. Money issues. Lack of work. The usual suspects and the pressures that go with them when you have a family to support.

I sometimes bake to help lighten my mood. I'm good at it and it usually lifts me up. However, I was baking some ginger biscotti and, for whatever reason, the loaf came out half-baked and doughy.

I flipped out.

I started throwing the loaf around the kitchen. Then I grabbed a large chefs knife and started hacking away at the thing. Then I held out my arm and placed the blade tight on my wrist. I really was seriously going to do it. The fight inside my head was intense. One side telling me to do it. The other side telling me not to. I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, fighting it out in my head.

Obviously, I backed down, but it was frighteningly close.

Scared the hell out of me.

It's always the little things that set me off.

That's all. I just had to tell someone. Thanks.

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Sounds like me a few years ago. I was on the wrong med at the time and it was a worse story than yours, believe me. Do you have a pdoc or tdoc or any family that you could talk to if you feel yourself escalating again? I hope your worries ease soon.

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Sounds like me a few years ago. I was on the wrong med at the time and it was a worse story than yours, believe me. Do you have a pdoc or tdoc or any family that you could talk to if you feel yourself escalating again? I hope your worries ease soon.

No, no docs anymore. Can't afford them. I have this truly crappy insurance where I have to pay the full cost up to the stratospheric deductible. Sort of a "can't afford to use it for normal stuff, but it's there if I have a heart-attack" plan. Sucks.

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Hiya Thor,

Sounds like you flipped out but I'm glad you managed not to cut yourself. I dunno. I'm not sure suicide is a spontaneous action. It sounds to me like you were letting yourself know that you need some help. If doctors are out, is there anywhere else you can get help? I know we've got free clinics and peer-led support groups and stuff here. Anything like that where you are? Keep the faith. It won't always be this way.

MillieO

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I don't necessarily underestimate the docs (though the ones I have seen in the past were really only good for meds...the therapy itself was never successful) As I said...it's the cost factor. There might be something available at the local college. I'll have to check. But, it's a small, rust-belt town. There isn't much in the way of resources except for the truly indigent.

Our problem is that, based on paper, we probably don't qualify for cut-price (or free) medical care. But, I've been without a steady job for over a year and my wife's income is extremely variable. We've had to buy our own health insurance (I don't have to tell you how expensive THAT can be for a family of 4) and that expense has pretty-much depleted our spare cash.

Like I said...I'll have to check.

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check into any county services during the couple of weeks your wifes checks may be lower. you said its variable so use the low ones and let them use that as you basis for any sliding scale. i wish you the best of luck

oh and this just popped into my head.... how 'bout getting yourself a bag odf party balloons. when you get to the kitchen knife point, blow up one of those ballons but only part way. then try to pop it by siiting on is a billion times to you kill it. sounds stupid i know but have you ever tried to pop a half full balloon. takes some energy (if youre not using a knife) and might help you to alleviate some of your pent up frustrations.

again, good luck.

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oh and this just popped into my head.... how 'bout getting yourself a bag odf party balloons. when you get to the kitchen knife point, blow up one of those ballons but only part way. then try to pop it by siiting on is a billion times to you kill it. sounds stupid i know but have you ever tried to pop a half full balloon. takes some energy (if youre not using a knife) and might help you to alleviate some of your pent up frustrations.

again, good luck.

That's a really interesting technique! Where did you come up with that?

This is not to belittle it...when I read the balloon technique, my mind suddenly wrote an entire scene from a movie where this depressed guy adopts the balloon technique and is then left at home when his spouse goes to work. we see him go through a couple of instances where he resorts to blowing up some balloons.

Then we cut to later in the day...his wife comes home...walks up to the front door...opens the door...and about a bazillion balloons come rolling out of the house...the place is packed to the rafters with the poor guy stranded in the middle of it all.

Anyway...I thought it would be funny. ;)

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actually as my response said, i just thought of it as i was typing my response to you.

your dream is funny. but my idea was NOT to blow all the balloons up, but rather to blow up ONE 1/2 way then try to sit on it till it pops. so, in your dream, when wifey comes home, she should find you there, exhausted, out of breathe, and little pieces of latex all over your house. because remember, you pop them. dont just blow them up. unless youre talking about using a grenade! now THAT would alleviate a LOT of frustration but would ruin your house.... ;)

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Do you have a GP who could help you out? Sorry if I'm misunderstanding but do you have health ins. just not for mental care? Regardless, I hope you can figure something out soon.

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Do you have a GP who could help you out? Sorry if I'm misunderstanding but do you have health ins. just not for mental care? Regardless, I hope you can figure something out soon.

I have a GP. It's just that I don't have the spare cash right now to pay for the office visit. As I've pointed out, the private policy I have requires me to pay the whole cost of any medical care myself until I reach my high deductible. Money's a bit tight right now.

I should point out that I am not without medication at this time. I have a stock of Wellbutrin (left over from back when I was covered under a group policy that required I buy my meds in bulk-like quantities) and it generally helps me maintain a relatively level state. Sometimes, though, some little thing manages to defeat the meds and send me spiraling out of control. I've been like that all my life.

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you probably do qualify for county assistance. and if you don't think you do, you at least need to check into it. i've had free mental health care for about 2 years through the county because 2 years ago i had to go to the state mental hospital, and the county would rather pay for my outpatient care than see the hospital bills again. at least my state, ohio, makes logical sense like that. i hope your state and county can kick in and help.

do NOT be afraid to go to the hospital. that is an event, no matter how spontaneous and seemingly out of the blue, that i think would require hospitalization. if you can't afford it and have crappy insurance, that's where the state steps in. state hospitals, at least the one i was at, aren't much different than private ones (except we didn't have the wellness classes).

i'm really glad you at least have some WB to fall back on. i take it and it is pretty good stuff. i hope you're on the 300 or 450.

i was unemployed when i went to state, and because of that, i didn't pay a penny for any of it, not even for the transportation.

i know things like his are impulsive, but consider...

i found my dad dead in the middle of the floor. he killed himself with an OD of pmeds (bp1). there is nothing in my life that i wouldn't do to change that. there is nothing- including my life- that i wouldn't have given for him. he was only 46 and had so much to give to the world. he was my best friend.

since then, i've known that no matter how fucking bad it gets, i am never going to be suicidal. i'm never going to even consider it, and haven't. i know that my soul was eaten and split into pieces that day, and i've never put it back together. i'll never face this world unharmed again.

i will never be suicidal again because i know the pain of losing someone is worse than any pain i could ever go through in life in this world. if i can go through hospitalization after hospitalization because of him, like i have, and have to go on SSDI like i have, there is nothing in the world i wouldn't give to have him back.

your family would feel this way. you could never do this to them- break who they are- right?

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Guest Guest_Thorzdad_*

Thanks all.

I haven't been able to track down anything like free county assistance, yet. There is one local non-profit that seems to be something close (though it is a private corporation) I'll probably call them and see what they offer. They have a few quickie "tests" on their site. Just for fun, I took a couple of them. Kind of went off the scale on a couple of them. Sort of what I would expect, of course.

How do places determine whether you pay anything or not? The reason I ask is that our finances are kind of odd, really. I am unemployed, but I manage to pick-up an occasional freelance job. It's not steady or reliable. My wife works, though. It's a low base salary plus bonuses depending on how well business is going. So, that money source is very variable, too. What's killing us are the regular expenses...mortgage, used-car payment, those extortion-like insurance payments (more than the mortgage payment). Plus, we have a son away at trade school and that's tending to be a regular expense every month for all sorts of little things. We're scraping by and are by no means living beyond our means.

It's all coming together to where we don't have much in the way of extra money for a "luxury" like psychological counseling. Hell, none of us have been to a dentist in over a year. We plan ahead for things like new sneakers for our daughter the athlete. There are repairs around the house that we can't get to for now. Typical budgeting stuff which I'm sure many of you are very familiar with.

Loon-A-Tik...

I'm sorry to hear about your father. Believe me, I've thought about that exact scene...my daughter coming home to find me like that. I know I couldn't do that to her. That still doesn't keep the thoughts away. All it does is move the location...like wandering out to the middle of one of the nearby cornfields. I know it would hurt them terribly if I did anything. Then again, I know I am a big psychic drain on everyone, too.

I often think about the financial impact, too. It's one of the things about life today that gets me terribly down...the fact that I have to think about everything in terms of money. You see, I actually have a life insurance plan that DOES pay-off in-full for suicide. No joke. They do (or did) exist. I always get a big laugh when watching CSI or some such show when they declare that insurance doesn't pay for suicide. Mine does. It would be a good payday for them. More than I've ever made in a year. Like I said, I really hate having to focus on money...but that's pretty much they way life is anymore. All the nice fluffy talk about love and family and dreams and whatnot just has nothing to do with reality. Life is about paying bills.

;)

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Your car insurance is more than your mortgage? Damn! Maybe compare with some other policies or insurance agencies, you may have coverage you don't need. A mental health clinic may not even consider providing assistance if you have any insurance at all. You might even qualify for low cost/free insurance from the state, but you would have to have no insurance for them to even consider it ( At least in the state I live in.) Maybe find out the income limits (go by your last tax return.) & go from there. SSI/SSDI could be an option, but that would probably take many months. Good luck to you. If you are in danger of hurting yourself go to the ER & worry about the bill later. (Many ERs have free care also.)

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Your car insurance is more than your mortgage? Damn! Maybe compare with some other policies or insurance agencies, you may have coverage you don't need. A mental health clinic may not even consider providing assistance if you have any insurance at all. You might even qualify for low cost/free insurance from the state, but you would have to have no insurance for them to even consider it ( At least in the state I live in.) Maybe find out the income limits (go by your last tax return.) & go from there. SSI/SSDI could be an option, but that would probably take many months. Good luck to you. If you are in danger of hurting yourself go to the ER & worry about the bill later. (Many ERs have free care also.)

LOL...No...my HEALTH insurance is more than my mortgage. My car insurance is fairly reasonable, actually (considering I have 2 teenagers on it. ;) )

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