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Rabbit37

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;) Bad day yesterday, and I just felt like the floor gave out today. Sat and cut, and cut today. But what does it matter? Beyond having a few more scars, what am I hurting? *Who* am I hurting? Tdoc always wants to see the scars, wants to keep check, I guess. Boy, he'll get an eyefull at the next appt. But it helped me calm down, actually helped me focus today. I don't know which way's up, everything's floating. I feel like going at it some more, but I won't. At least not for tonight. But I still wonder, who am I hurting? What if I were to be banging my head, and there's no visible signs? Why do I have to cover this shit up????
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i'm sorry you're in this place rabbit. i'm sorry yesterday sucked so much. it's not fair.

there are a lot of times when i ask myself the same thing, who am i hurting? and the answer i've come up with is that i'm hurting myself emotionally by not using emotion regulation skills/ coping mechanisms that i've learned, because it took me so long to learn them and it invalidates that work if i don't try the skills. of course skills aren't full proof.

i'm sure you've read my saying this before, but when i'm bad, and when i need clarity and it's a spinning mess and the only thing, really the only thing i want to do is cut because it seems like the only way out of my emotional space... i dunk my head in a sink filled with cold water and 2 trays of ice cubes. and repeat until i'm shivering and gasping. and i end up with a very similar calm after like with cutting. i always say "it's worth a try again, water is easier to clean up" because i'm a bit morbid.

i hope you holding in there.

best,

penny

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personally, i don't see cutting as any different than banging my head into walls or skipping meals... and it all only hurts me.

now, since i'm trying really hard to make my body feel safe and trust me so that we can get along, i am working at not doing things that hurt it. and since i'm trying to get along with myself and learn to trust myself, i try not to hurt me either. but when i cut, i'm not hurting anyone else.

the only reason we have to hide these things is to protect those who are scared of emotions. you show signs that you have big emotions that you have to cut to deal with and they freak because they don't want to deal with THEIR shit. it's not fair, really. but since they can get us locked up, i guess we sorta have to hide from them. that's how i see it, anyway.

penny, i like your idea about the ice. i'll try that next time!!

abi

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Sorry to hear things are rough for you Rabbit. Penny gave you a great suggestion, we have a couple of pinned topics of alternatives to SI if you are able to consider doing something that would satisfy the urge without injuring yourself. Might be worth checking them out.

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Thank you, Penny, yes, I have read your suggestion before. I'm sure, as you know, it's tough to think of an alternative when you want to cut. My pdoc says "go for a walk". Oh yeah, THAT'S real helpful.

Yes, Abi, this is what they can lock us up for. My tdoc asked if my husband knew... good god, he would freak. I have a strong suspicion that he would be pissed/furious, and not be able to trust me around the kids. I cut my wrists, because I can easily hide it with thick bracelets. My husband just thinks I'm quirky with jewelry. Somehow, he's never wondered why I wear bracelets 24/7. And I feel guilty, because he gave me a beautiful white beaded wide bracelet for christmas. If he only knew. Shit.

Thanks, Karuna, I will.

I have the urge today, but not as strong, and I think I can hold it off. At least for now.

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I hope the cut is okay, does it need medical attention? I agree that 'go for a walk' won't satisfy an urge to cut, it wouldn't for me. I find the less stressed I am the less I need to cut, the more I take care of myself (good eating, enough sleep, exercise, relaxation etc) the less I get distressed, the less I need to cut. But we all have our moments and we all fall down. It must be hard if you can't confide in your family.

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I have to ask... can you? Can you confide in your family that you cut? I guess I'm asking this in general, not just you, Karuna. I jsut can't imagine confiding, then there would be the constant questioning, and that in and of itself would be stressful. Of course, the less stressed I am, the less I have the urge. It's just getting that damned stress under control.

It;s okay, they're small cuts that go deep. They're already healing.

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my family knows that i used to cut. i recently broke 3 (or was it 4) years of not cutting, and my husband knew, yes. i don't know if i confide, so much as i don't hide it. i wish i could have because it upsets him, but i probably would have told him eventually.

i used to hide from my father because it upset him so much, and for a while he feared for my saftey to the point of not trusting me, and that was problematic.

sometimes i wish i could find bracelets to hide my keloid scars so that i don't inadvertently confide in someone, which has happened. the hardes thing is when my 10 year old half sister asks what the scars are from. i don't know what to say, she's too smart for my old "my cat" line.

rabbit, make sure to use something like a butterfly bandage if the cuts are deep.

i don't think i really answered your question. my friends are usually who i confide in, my friends who were cutters when i was, and who relapse like i do, because we understand what it means. and their support is vital. and so is my husbands, even if it is tinged with anxiety and fear, and sometimes a bit of anger. it helps to have people around you know how much pain you are in. (which can happen without cutting, of course.)

i'm rambling. sorry.

this is a tough question.

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Yeah, butterfly bandages and neosporin are my friends. Sorry, I simply can't imagine telling anyone, not even a friend, about it. Will my husband ever find out? Well, there's that potential, as the wrist cuts are definite scars. One of these days he'll either ask, or see me without a bracelet. Finally the scars on my upper forearm are starting to heal better. Maybe those won't be so noticable.

My husband has no idea how much pain I am in. He is actually going, next week, to his first tdoc appt with me... and he already fears that it's an ambush. I'm trying to convince him it's not. I think he fears that I'm going to blame him for everything, and that's so far from the truth. He's my friend, he can make me laugh when everything else seems impossible. He thinks that, if I can smile, then everything is hunky-dory, no cause for concern, I'm okay. It's gonna be a hard appt.

And yes, I understand... I have to hide this from my 20yo daughter, who is a psych major. This is the LAST thing she needs to see.

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i don't hide it, except at work, because that's none of their business. i do tell my close friends straight out.

last year when work was really really rough, i'd go to the bathroom and cut my thighs and that helped. i told mynate as soon asi got home that i had to cut and he understood. but it isn't like i'd call my mom to tell her. we aren't that close. or not close in that way.

however, most of my friends are really cool about it. if i showed up and took off my shirt and had cuts, they'd maybe ask if i had had a stressful week, but there wouldn't be any anger or accusations. besides, most of my friends have cut at some point in their lives too.

i haven't had to cut since my last job when i freaked out entirely, which means i'm not too stressed in this job. although i do have days where the temptation is awful with all of the knives and blades and grills... it's not always from stress (some days it is) but the fascination of what it would do.

sighs.

abi

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I can tell my parents, and my best friend, who also cuts and understands. My parents don't like that I cut but they will support me in trying to get better.

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God. Wow. I can't even imagine having a friend who would understand. For some reason, mine are the goody-two-shoes types. Where the fuck did they come from? And why am I friends with them?

Today, not a good day. I'm hoping tomorrow is better.

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"go for a walk when you want to cut" ? <rolling eyes>

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time of late Rab. I don't have any grand suggestions - I wish I did! - but I do understand.

It's summer here and I battle terribly with trying to decide between wearing short sleeves and letting people see my arms, or wearing long sleeves to hide them and getting hot. I tend to do longsleeves, but eventually I have to roll them up. Sometimes I blatantly do something like rest my head on my hands so that everything shows - and dare people to make a comment. Actually very few people do. (and it's not as if there isn't much to be seen, after a few years of cutting, needing stitches and burning occasionally - it looks terrible)

As far as telling people goes - I definitely do not go out of my way to do it. If someone does ask, I mumble something along the lines of having had a "fall". I have one close friend IRL who does know, but he's amazing - nothing phases him. AND he's not one of us crazy types either. My sister knows too, but she's kind of btdt - she permanently wrecked the knuckles in one hand from punching walls. Apart from those two, that's it. On one occasion my parents visited me in the nuthouse when I had heavy bandages round one wrist - but they never ONCE commented. Bizarre.

My not-quite-ex husband used to carve words into his arms. Fabulous. So he wasn't exactly in a position to criticise - or help for that matter.

Sorry Rab- none of this is especially helpful - just wanted to let you know that I really do get where you're coming from with this.

Love M xxx

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God. Wow. I can't even imagine having a friend who would understand. For some reason, mine are the goody-two-shoes types. Where the fuck did they come from? And why am I friends with them?

Today, not a good day. I'm hoping tomorrow is better.

i used to have friends like that, then i realized they weren't really friends at all, dumped them all and had years with no friends at all until i found people worth being around lol. those were some tough years in between though. i think it was worth it since the people i have now are all the sorts i can call and say "i just sliced my arm open. i think i'm stressed" and they're fine with it and there for me.

i'm lucky though, i rarely scar. you can't tell from looking that i'm a cutter (unless we're under black lights where suddenly all the scars show lol).

i'm sorry today is not a good day. i hope things improve!

abi

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