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i need some help making any sense of what is going on with me at the moment and any suggestions on how i can deal with this in between docs visits and group therapy and meds.

i am borderline. very clear cut case. i also have a dx of bipolar and bulimia (lucky me) but by far the most dominate and destructive sympotms i suffer from stem from my boarderline. namely self harming and massive fear of abdonment.

when my symptoms get to strong and intense i start cutting myself.

the last two weeks have been real bad, ive basically lost my logic and my head is filled with irrational fears and hatered of myself and everyone else. i dont want to be alone but i hate everyone and everything so i dont want to be around people. im angry at everyone over everything and nothing. the littlest thing goes wrong and i start swearing like a sailor and throwing things around.

ive started self harming again cutting, making myself sick, running hot water over me to make me hurt and want to faint.

my p-doc told me today he is discussing my case with a panel of p-docs which i know i should look at as a good thing because it not only shows he cares about my case but that he is concerned about what treatment is best for me. but this black and white thinking of mine is also saying this panel means im starting to get into the "too hard" basket and that maybe he is more concerned about my welfare then he lets on. dont like idea of people talking about me behind my back even though logically i know this is standard practice for docs with difficult patients.

there is more things but im starting to feel uncomfortable even writng this. im so anxious and stressed out at the moment it sucks. my boyfriend is going to be so mad when he sees i have cut again. i know a loving relationship with him is more important than self harming and it feels better. but right now it is so hard to stop.

please tell me u can make sense of this for me, i cant even think straight. even if u can just understand a little i feel so alone and lost

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i think you said it best when you wrote 'i lost my logic'. i can't really offer anything productive other than to say to ride it out, it will have to change. is it related to a bp mood swing? like, is this your form of dysphoria? maybe that's why you can't think straight. sorry i can't be more help. you deserve some relief.

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IV,

I am sorry things are so hard right now. Can you just focus on taking care of yourself, getting enough sleep and food and exercise, and making sure that you are fairly safe from self harm instruments, and have a helpline to call? I think you need to tell the people around you that you're struggling and that you need space as well. I am glad your pdoc is getting some more help for you.

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im sleeping is getting worse last night i managed only 2hrs and that was between midnight and 2am.

i am trying to hold down a job but the cracks are really starting to show and people are starting to comment on my appearance.

i went back to the docs on wed and was so emotional, i am so scared he is going to stop treating me and leave me and not help me. even though he repeatedly tells me he wont, and has never missed an appointment with me, and always gets me in asap in times of crisis. but still i sat there crying like a lost little girl who was going to be deserted by a parent.

i wrote a list of whats been triggering me and what i am feeling.

im so scared i am getting real suicidal i am just thinking its all or nothing at the moment.

i was being really healthy and taking care of my body, and when i looked in the mirror i actually felt like i was beginning to see me. but now that is all gone again.

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i am borderline. very clear cut case. i also have a dx of bipolar and bulimia (lucky me) but by far the most dominate and destructive sympotms i suffer from stem from my boarderline. namely self harming and massive fear of abdonment.

I'm not full blown borderline, but I do have more than a few tendencies. I've found that it is much easier to deal with when the bipolar is under control. I know it is hard to separate the two sometimes, but it sounds like you could benefit from some med tweaking. From your description, it sounds like you have a very good pdoc. Trust him and let him do his job. I know that is a lot harder to do than to say. I hope this has helped in some way.

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