Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org




I can't stand this Rapid Cycling Crap!


Recommended Posts

Oh the joy!  The rapture!  The sarcasim of being a BP1 with severe Rapid Cycling.  I'm coming down from a two and half month mania and now the rapid cycling begins with a BANG!  Since I've woken up today, I've gone from rage to bawling my eyes out, to suicidal thoughts, back to rage, to bawling *just right now* to why don't I just give up.  I can't handle this shit anymore.  I will NOT go to the hospital because my last visit screwed me up so severely that  I fear that place more than I fear death itself.  No, I am not suicidal...even if I wish I were dead.  I'm tired of not having a bit of artistic whatever lurking inside me anymore.  I don't know what happened to me.  I used to write all the time.  Both music and novels/poetry.  I tried to record at my so-called new studio at my best friend's house for the past two weeks and it's like something just vanished in me.  I'm frustrated with myself.  I've let things around my own house go.  Such as cleaning.  Everytime I look in the mirror, I just want to smash it!  I don't want to tell my family this is what's going on in my mind, because I'll scare them half to death.  I told my therapist on Monday about this.  I was hoping today I would be able to tell my Pdoc, and for those of you who have read my various posts about my canceled appt. with my Pdoc for reasons unknown...GOD!  I just want to go to MHMR and scream at them and say, LOOK!  I NEED to see that MAN NOW!  But that's a sure way of getting locked up and have the key thrown away.  I am sleeping again.  A little more than I should, actually.  But I can't help it.  Two and half months without sleeping will more than likely do that to ya.

I just need someone to cry to.  I'm so sorry guys.  You seem to be the only ones out there who understand me and I don't even know you.  Maybe it's because we're all in the same boat, so to speak, and at times the boat is sinking and we're all trying to figure out ways to keep it from sinking.  Well, I feel totally alone right now and my boat is sinking rapidly.

If I don't post for several hours, it's because I went back to sleep again.  It's my only escape for the time being.  Please forgive me for all this ranting and raving.  Everyone on here is great.  And I truly have felt very welcomed in this lovely family.  I want to thank all of you for being on my side and for all of your advice.  If I get to the point where I start really getting mean with you, just ignore me.  I am a bitch when I'm like this and what comes out of my mouth is just plain stupid and ignorant.  I never think before I speak.  Just warning you ahead of time.

I'm going to attempt to relax and go back to sleep. 

Thanks again for being there for me.  If you can help me through this moment of despair and all or when I can see someone as soon as I can get someone out at MHMR to listen to me, I will totally worship the ground you walk upon.  *smiles slightly*

Elizabeth.....the rapid cycling weirdo

sorry if I'm not making any sense...hell I don't know what I'm saying anymore.  I'm just so confused!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 45
  • Created
  • Last Reply

cycling sucks, I know... I have been experiencing a lot of problems like this recently, I just haven't really posted major problems of mine on the boards since we changed servers.  I don't really know why, I just haven't...I just get to that point... and i'm really making no sense here...

Just know that I do whole heartedly understand what you are feeling and am here if you need me.  I really wish that there was more I could do for you other than just offer my support. 

Take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything...

~Ophelia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Elizabeth, I am so sorry you are having such a suck-ass time. I rapid cycle, too, and it is unbearable. Try to keep thinking that it won't last forever, becaue it won't . I here you about letting the house go, seems niether side of the BP spectrum is good for cleaning up.  ;)   Wish I could send you a hand to hold, a hug, or maybe just a hammer to smash something just for the hell of it! Keep posting, we are here to help and listen.    SP

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm a rapid-cycler too. I'm always happy to listen to you. I understand why you feel you can talk to us- I feel the same way about this board- we're fellow loonies. We're labled "crazy" and we even feel that way, but we're some of the kindest and deepest members of society. We're made this way by what we've gone through, are going through, and will go through.

I repeat over and over again "this too shall pass!"

I freak out. Like last night, I've been off of Seroquel for a month because it made me feel like I was going to jump out of my skin, but I took 100mg last night just to get some blessed sleep. I woke up about 2 hours later wtih myARM feeling like it would jump out of my skin, but just the arm! Not all of me!

And "self-medicating"- I'm on nothing to control the GAD (my pdoc is mailing me Gabitril to start, but I'm out of Paxil to titrate down on), so I"m basically an uncontrolled stress freak! I have a glass of wine when it gets too bad, to take the edge off...just a glass, it feels like a life raft.

Did you feel creative during your mania and now you feel it is dead? Or have you felt uncreative for longer? Depression makes us feel like shit- how can you be creative- tht is, be able to create- when you just want death- to have it all  end? There's a thought! I wish I had thoughts more often ;)

Just hang in there. What about your meds? I know, sometimes our meds just can't hold in our loony brains, and our brains kind of bust through the controls. Hang in there! Just rant here and try to sleep when you feel like shit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been rapid cycling as of late myself.  So I know what you're going through.  Hang in there, and take Loon-a-tik's advice -- sleep as much as you can to get through it.  And to hell with what the house looks like.  You think yours is bad, you should see mine...  ;)   You'll get around to picking up when you feel better.

Good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Elizabeth,

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way!  Nothing SUCKS worse than that want to run (nowhere to run to) want to smash something (nothing to smash) feeling.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know I'm sending you my best wishes.  Hope you feel better soon.  Maybe a bath and a book... that always helps me.

And hey, your creativity will be back.  I'm guessing you've cycled before... so even though it's hard to remember right now, you WILL be back where you belong.  Your art and artistic drive are still there; they're just taking a bit of a vacation right now. 

And the house?  Well, it's just a house.  It's probably frustrating that it's a mess, but nothing bad will happen if it stays messy.  Have you tried the "pile technique".  Sometimes it helps to kind of shovel stuff out of the way for awhile.  You can sort if later when you feel better, but the idea right now is to make yourself at least a small space that's clean.  Just a little refuge. 

You need to take care of yourself... the house doesn't care, your art will still be there, and we'll all be here. 

Hugs from Utah!

Kristin

Link to comment
Share on other sites

*cries*  You guys are so sweet!  I just woke up...once again.  My poor kitties are probably wondering what the heck is mommy doing sleeping all day and night for?  She hasn't done that in months???

I hope I get my SSD check tomorrow.  Not that I normally go out and buy wine, but that sure sounds like something yummy!  It sure as hell will calm my rage down.  I wish I had air condidtioning in this house.  It's hotter than hell in here.  I guess the kitties are probably thinking the same thing too.  We had air over at the old place, but it died on us last summer right before we moved here.  And with what little income I have, I don't see us getting a new one.  I don't know if Community Action helps out with stuff like that.  I might just give them a call tomorrow.  They might be gone for the weekend because of the holiday.

I'm glad I'm not the only one...not saying that I'm happy you guys suffering makes it easier for me to understand.  I think it's cruel and unusual punishment, to be perfectly honest with ya.  And talking to relatives that don't understand just frustrates me to no end.  I hear the same shit, different day. 

As for my artistic abilities, they've been kinda put on hold ever since I've moved here.  Which will be a year this Sept.  This duplex is unreal.  The walls are as thin as a trailer and so my singing annoys my neighbors *my sister and her fiance'*.  My writing...well, every time I sit down here at the computer, my mind draws a big fat blank.  It was great when I was med free.  But mentally, I was a totally and complete mess.  I needed to get back on meds.  I was scaring everyone away.  Including my best friend.  I'm at a loss.  I don't write in my journal anymore because everything I write sounds the same.  "Oh woe is me"  or  "I wish I could find someone who would complete me" and so on and so forth.  I guess I have to travel this world alone.

I recently decided that I can't have a relationship because I'm just not ready for one.  I have too many issues to deal with and starting a new relationship would just add another problem to deal with.  Especially a long distant one.  I like the guy that I've met online.  He lives four hours away from me, but the more I learn about him, the more I think to myself, this just isn't going to work.  Plus, I keep wondering if he really does meet me in person and discovers just how wacky I am, I'll scare the poor guy away.  I think it's the right thing to do.  Keep it as friends and that's it.  Funny, me, who wants nothing more than to have love in my life, turning down an opportunity because now I'm scared of it.  Go the hell figure!?!?!

Thanks again for all the hugs and support!  I knew I wasn't alone.  Now I have to wait a whole month to find out what can be done with me thanks to the rescheduling of my appt.  Maybe that's what's gotten me in this current state of mind.  I hope my sleeping around the clock today won't screw up my sleep pattern.  It probably has.

Oh well, if that's the case, guess I'll be up all night.  Usually that's the time I can think.  Maybe I'll be able to write a poem.  HA!  I truly doubt that.  I'm having brain farts left and right.  Sucks to be artistic and no Muse to help me along the way.

Elizabeth

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cycling can be a bitch- I just got mine under control a few months ago.  I am so sorry to hear you are having a rough time.  I hope your meds will help control it. 

You are a wonderful, creative person! 

By the way, I am also a HUGE Tori Amos fanatic!!!  I will be seeing her in concert for the upteenth time in August!  Anyone who likes Tori is pretty cool in my book!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are SO lucky!  Tori isn't coming to PA this time.  And well, with my income, I can't afford to drive to OH or MD to see her.  Plus, I love Imogen Heap and The Ditty Bops, so I feel like shit that I'm missing out on a tour that really is going to be something special.  Yeah, I know this has nothing to do with my mood.  Well, maybe it does.  Who knows?  Anyway,  thanks Dolly for your kind words.  I saw somewhere on here about a poetry reading for a wedding?  I'll have to read that now.  If you're thinking of having poetry read at a wedding, go for it.  Granted my marriage went down the drain, but we had poetry read at our wedding.  I even wrote our vows.  HA!  Try to get a minister to go along with that!  hee hee  Guess I'll go and see what that post is all about and give my two cents worth.

Elizabeth

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay, I am at the full-blown depression state now.  All I want to do is go to bed and never wake up again.  If I didn't have cats to take care of, I wouldn't even get up to feed or love them.  I certainly don't want to be a burden to my family.  They keep asking me to go places with them, and I keep telling them, I know I should, I just don't think having me around is such a good idea.  It's Saturday, the lovely day of the week when I HAVE to go to church with my mother because "it's our bonding thing".  I hate going.  I despise being dragged to church because I'm the head singer and I get tossed around like...oh hell I don't know.  *sighs*  I should be getting ready to go, but I'm putting it off because I just don't want to be bothered with it.  I really want to call my mother and tell her some dumb excuse that, my kidneys hurt, or I'm sick, or something, but she knows me better than that.  She can see past my lies every time.  I can't stop crying, I can't think of anything to do around here that will cheer me up.  I don't even want to leave the house.  Because this past week has been an emotional roller coaster, I'm worn out.  Problem is, I'm also in a lot of pain.  And when I'm in a lot of pain, I tend to become the biggest bitch on the planet.  For those of you who think going to church will do me some good, please, I beg of you, don't tell me that.  It'll only make me feel bad or something else.

I don't even know why I'm posting right now.  Like it'll do me good or something.  I just felt the need to complain, I guess.  Sometimes I treat this place like a journal.  Maybe that's why I don't write in my journal anymore.  Because it doesn't write back to me.  I wish I had friends.  My best friend moved out of town and has made all these new friends, and to be completely honest with you, I'm extremely jealous.  There's no one in this town I can relate to.  I don't have the money to drive to the next town all the time to hang out with so-called new friends.  Then again, I have issues with letting people into my life because I'm scared of how my old friends just abandoned me once they got to know the real me.

I don't know.  I don't feel like reading a book.  Or watching a movie.  I would love more than anything to go somewhere secluded and just sit and think...maybe near a beach and swim, but that costs money which I don't have.  And once again, there's no such thing as seclusion at a beach.

And because this is a holiday weekend, there'll be too many people around.  My best friend constantly tells me I need to get out of the house and do things.  But I'm so shy I can't do things alone.  I'm afraid people are always laughing at me or making fun of me.  I have such a low self-esteem because of my weight, I just don't know what to do.  And like I've said numerous amounts of time, everything costs money and I can't afford to do that.

I can't remember who said, "This to shall pass", but it never passes fast enough for my taste.

Well, the clock isn't slowing down, so guess I should go.  If you guys don't hear from me for awhile, don't worry, I'm not about to do something stupid.  I'm just being anti-social.  Okay?  Like I said before, you guys are really great.  I'm sorry I'm being such an old poop.

Elizabeth...the sad and lonely one

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Elizabeth,

I'm really sorry that you are feeling this way.  I can relate since i went through a severe depressive episode about a week ago and I am starting to feel myself sinking again... :)   You truly are not a burden to us.  I think that you have contributed a lot to our community and we would not have been the same if you had not joined.  I know that you have always been so nice to me and I have come to see you as a good friend around here. 

Oh, do I know about the whole depressed and pained depressive bitch mode (to put it in rather general terms, lol)!  I could only imagine us getting into a bitch fight right now... who do you think would win?  ;)   just kidding... I think that i'm a little to down and worn out to really be able to do that at the moment anyway.  I just thought that it was an interesting thought....

Don't worry, I am surely not one of those people who will tell you that going to church will do you good...blah blah blah.... I, personally, don't believe in that when people say it, but that's just me.... Well, with me it would be "going to temple will do you some good" since my family is Jewish.  Again, I personally do not find it helpful, as it seems you don't either.

"Then again, I have issues with letting people into my life because I'm scared of how my old friends just abandoned me once they got to know the real me."

That is amazingly accurate as to how I feel about letting new people into my life.  I have been hurt and screwed over so many times before, that it is just so difficult.... fearing it will all happen again.  And with the few people I have let in... I don't think they really know the real me, whoever that is.  They know my social face... the *I'm going to put my lovely acting training to good use and make people think everything is just dandy and shit*  It is really hard, though, and takes so much energy that sometimes I just break and have to seclude myself for a little bit from them.... I am so afraid to trust these people, along with others..... so just know that you are not alone in that.  I have come to at least know some of the real you and I am not scared away or abandoning you...

I feel like I relate with most of the things you say (all of these, self-esteem issues, etc.)  So, I am here whenever you need me.  We can always bask in our discontent together (j/k).

Take care of yourself and let me / us know how you are doing...

xo

~Ophelia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Elisabeth.

I'm with you, girl. The manic hyper cycling is going on for me the last few days. It's better than crying and I'm waiting (and sorta looking forward) for  the crash just to get some sleep.

Just a side note. I try to go to bed, and I can't stay down for more that 5 minutes at a time. Then I have to get up. This wouldn't be so bad but my "little man" Max (of course my bestest out of 5, cat that is)  sleeps totally sucked up against my side no matter what. The cool thing is it doesn't matter how many times I get up and down out of bed he never gets pissed off. Just repositions himself and goes back to sleep. Gotta love THAT!

The other cats get so upset they go sleep somewhere else. Can't blame them. Wish that's all it took for ME to get to sleep.

So know you're not alone and try to not jump out of your skin (that's part of my mania).

Hope no matter where you are in your cycling you're feeling better.

C@

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Elizabeth, the sad and lonely one, this is Sulu, the sad and lonely one.  Are you sure you aren't writing about me (lol).  Honestly other than the rapid cycling, I don't think I do that or else I always do that and think it is normal, you are describing me.  I know the topic is rapid cycling but I had to join in to say I feel your pain and hope you feel better real soon.  Lots of good thoughts coming your way, Sulu

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have ONE nerve left and every little fucking thing is getting one it!  Guess that means the depression is wearing off!  I couldn't sleep worth shit last night.  I tossed and turned all night long.  When I did sleep, I had strange dreams, none of which I can remember.  I woke up around 12:30 today to find my one cat pissing on the floor for the second week in a row.  I had to control my temper like you wouldn't believe.  I so wanted to throw his fucking black fuzzy ass out the door and leave him outside for the rest of his goddamn mother fucking life!

I can't handle this!  My klonopin isn't working worth shit.  I have yet, another family outting to go to today, and I just don't know how the hell I'm going to handle this.  I broke down and bought a bottle of wine yesterday and it's gone now.  So now I have a buzz on, and I'm still not calm.  I don't normally drink, so I thought this would calm me down.  Guess that was a big mistake upon my part.

Dammit, I don't know what to do.  I'm freaking out.  I'm about ready to crawl out of my skin.  I'm screaming at my poor cats just because they're there.  I'm scratching the hell out of my scalp because I'm nervous.  I'm smoking one cigarette after another.  If I were a pinball, I'd be bouncing off the walls right about now.  I'm shaking like I'm withdrawling like some kind of drug addict.  What the fuck!?!?!

I'm also freaking out over the renewal of my driver's license.  It still has my married name on it.  I just want to get rid of the hyphen named off of it and it seems I have to go to extreme measures to do this shit!  I feel like I need to go away from reality.  I hate to say that.  All my life I've depended on artificial happiness and I don't want to go back to all that shit.  I want to be somewhat normal.  I know I'll never be normal.  Not that I want to be normal.  I hate to be labeled as normal.  Normal sucks.  I wouldn't be artistic if I was normal.

I'm blasting Nine Inch Nails right now.  Gotta listen to something that's full of as much rage as I'm feeling right now.

I'm crying because I can't control myself.  I wan't to scream at the top of my lungs just because it will feel good.  I want to slash my arms up because I know this will feel fucking wonderful!

Gotta write something.  Gotta take out this aggression on art.  Have to use my mind.  Have to get this out of my mind!

Elizabeth...full of some serious RAGE!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry that you are so frustrated.  That is very much the way I was feeling yesterday.  I couldnt stay in my own skin... but there is really no way to escape.  everything and anything set me off.... enraging myself to the point that I would be an uber-bitch to anyone who crossed my path, but would break out into tears at the drop of a hat (and all the other fun rage aspects you mentioned in your post). 

it doesnt make it any better that I am still in the same sweats I put on when I got home from work on friday... I turned down plans, didn't answer instant messeges or phone calls... and I dont even have a good reason so doing all of this.  I am really lacking in motivation and can't see how I will be able to straighten up for work tomorrow. 

sorry for bitching  ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're not bitching, Ophelia, you're relating.  That's different.  I'm still feeling like shit.  When I was up at my parents, they didn't know what to make of me.  I had to leave early, telling them, I'm sorry.  When I came home, I just wanted to smash my shit!  I still want to.  I just wish there was someone who would help me around here. This heat is getting to me.  I wish I had central air, maybe that's just ONE reason why I'm being a bitch.  I almost typed the evil c**t word, but thought better not.  I am a very verbal girl and will swear not caring who I'll offend.  Now, all my neighbors are annoying me with their stupid noisey firecrackers and yelling.  Yea!  Happy Fuckin' Fourth of July!  I am SO not political!  I hate this country.  I hate the president.  I wish I could just pick up and move out of here like, yesterday!

I'm shaking horribly right now from this....ahhhh...RAGE!  I'm gritting my teeth.  My feet are doing their never ending jitterbug dancing.  I'm still clawing at my scalp.  I'm actually scaring myself.  I just don't know what to do.  This is when I wish I had Haldol.  But who the hell wants to go to the ER and tell them, I'm nuts and I need something to calm my fucking ass down before I kill something.  Yeah, right!  That's a one way ticket to the place I fear most!

I keep taking deep breaths, telling myself to calm down.  You know, the whole slow down thing.  But nothing is working.  This is exactly how my grandfather was.  I don't want to be like him.  He was so mean.  He really hurt me too when I was only four or five years old.  I used to think he was going to kill me, that's how scared I was of him.  And now I'm just like him.  God, what on Earth can I do?

And those fucking scissors are sitting there laughing at me!  Telling me to cut!  I hate them!  I hate them.  I don't want to hurt myself anymore. 

I have no one to turn to either.  I'm all alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...