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i think last time i posted about things getting tougher helped, and i didn't end up doing anything.

so i figured i would do so again.

i don't know what it is exactly. maybe coming back home after a trip and feeling reality and the weight of everything i have to do to get where i want to be -- and feeling at times hopeless that i'll ever get there.

somewhat feeling like i am so messed up that there is no way out of it all, and the only thing to do is descend into self-destructive nothingness.

feelings of anger surfacing, sometimes about little things that i blow out of proportion, sometimes i have no idea why (anger is too scary and intense and i feel like i'll die if i express it) and it would be better to let it out another way besides TELLING people. so it comes out silent red.

i'm scared so intensely scared of responsibility and stress and being out in the world around people that thinking about it and anticipating having to do it makes me want to both escape the feelings and punish myelf for being so weak and pitiful that i can't do the simplest getting a job and talking to people and everything else to be an adult.

i don't know if any of this makes any sense. i hate whining.

thanks for listening.

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Just wanted to say I can relate and I'm listening.

thanks.

i really do think that right now talking about it could help

sometime it doesn't. sometimes it's like it actualizes something for me

but right now

i just need to say

i feel like doing something

and

i have been thinking about it

visualizing it

for a while

for days

for longer

and it's not going away

but so far, i've managed to avoid doing it.

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i so, so definitely hear you, peej. sometimes i think we can't look at life without looking at the "whole" of it, and that makes it sooooo overwhelming just to get anything STARTED. i don't know about you, but i have problems seeing the small steps in between me and a goal. i'm "smart" so i should just be able to DO IT, right? you're so smart i wonder if you feel that way sometimes.

hugs for you,

the lysergia

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i so, so definitely hear you, peej. sometimes i think we can't look at life without looking at the "whole" of it, and that makes it sooooo overwhelming just to get anything STARTED. i don't know about you, but i have problems seeing the small steps in between me and a goal. i'm "smart" so i should just be able to DO IT, right? you're so smart i wonder if you feel that way sometimes.

totally. i do feel that way. a LOT. and it doesn't help, does it?

i'm trying to see the small steps. i'm trying to steel myself and do the everyday things. like, i emptied the dishwasher while my coffee was brewing. something that i was feeling not up to. i was feeling like i just needed to get online.

i been doing a lot of looking back lately, and wondering at whether everyone was blind, and didn't see my shortcomings at all, or chose to ignore them, and the more they recognized the ways i excelled and praised me for it, the greater my tendency to be a perfectionist, and when faced with a challenge (something i couldn't do well with little effort), i gave up. i wouldn't try. roll over and cry.

and that's what i'm doing now. just crying.

and what, blaming the past for where i am now?

I feel so pathetic. and useless. and like the life i can imagine myself living is so far away from reality i will never get there. espcecially when i'm scared, and i think i can't do it because i can't do it without screwing up. or without pain. or without sacrifice. or discomfort.

i can't understand how to get around the fact that i can be so fucking hard on myself, and at the same time, what to do about the fact that i'm not DOING anything, and figure i need a swift kick in the behind to grow up.

i managed to cook myself a pretty healthy brunch today. with a lump in my throat.

;)

there's something about growing up that makes me want to cut.

i think there might be some connection between my SI and my mother yelling about no one taking responsibility.

i dont mean that's why i used to SI, but it was a trigger.

i think i'm doing it to myself now. yelling at myself to take reponsibility.

which triggers me.

which makes me want to roll over and cry, and give up, and believe i can't do it.

i want to cut.

i want it to be obvious that i am hurting. i want myself to be real. i want to see myself real.

but i can't be real if i don't take responsibility and grow up.

dammit.

:)

i HATE this because i want to apply to a peer support job (yes, a paying job) and even though it's an MI peer support role, i feel like i should be better than i am, and that if i slip and SI, then i really am not stable enough to be supporting others.

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Hey now. If only perfect people supported others in need, nobody would ever get any support. If anything, the fact that you do make mistakes would make you a better source of support...because you are there yourself, you understand it, you're living it. Not looking at it from some lofty perch or with the smugness of "hey, I'm better than that now!" (Which is not to say that all who do not SI any longer are smug...but you have to admit...some are, just as with anything.)

I understand the growing up and responsibility thing, the weak and pitiful feeling, but even acknowledging those thoughts, those feelings, takes strength, more strength than you give yourself credit for. It takes strength to look into the abyss, the things we deem imperfect and loathe about ourselves, whether truth or fiction.

Ack this probably makes no sense, in summary, you're not alone and you are stronger than you think you are, you are no less worthy if you "slip up," don't throw away your ambitions and desires on "I'm not good enough." Just my two cents, though I suspect you were venting and not asking for any. I post anyway because my suspicions can't be trusted these days.

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everything she said up there.

oh my do i know.

you're amazing to even look at it.

most people don't.

and they are adolescent forever.

that's the alternative.

i donwanna be them. do you?

but it hurts so much, doesn't it?

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sanks

i'm starting a temp assignment for a while. like, a month. i'm feeling stressed already. it starts tomorrow. mostly it's the unknown, so i could feel better tomorrow, but starting work is always a bit triggering for me.

i feel scattered today, and like i keep losing things and wandering around the house forgetting what i was going for.

hopefully i'll be ok.

it's helped to have this space to write

pj

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I know being at work can be a real challenge, but maybe you'll enjoy part of it and being occupied during the day will give you some time out from these thoughts? I could be wrong about that, just trying to look for a positive, tell me off if I am being too Pollyanna about it! I hope it goes well for you.

no, actually, not pollyanna,

work is a Really Good Thing for a lot of reasons (like structure, money, moving in the right direction, etc)

but part of me can't help but be cynical that right now i'm hypomanic and

this will all get harder once i

  1. screw up and get dysphoric that really i'm not capable
  2. get just depressed and can't get out of bed and everything's a struggle oh god i just need out
  3. push into mania and burn out so hard, and cut because it's all going to fast just need to slow down
i don't know.

i don't want any of these to happen.

but last night (before first day), i started getting abdominal pains and freaking out that i was going to die and maybe needed to go to the ER. like, i sort of had reason to think that (i won't get into it) but mostly i just wonder at myself, and how whatever positivity i'm feeling right now won't last. it never lasts. it hardly lasts long enough to convince me that this is really me.

i'm not me?

yes, i'm me. just a brighter and faster version of me.

not just caffeinated, superduperultrasophisticated(blahhatethatword)doowopdeefabulous.

yeah. like that.

yay 4.5 hours sleep and new environments!

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Still listening. Have no idea how to make anything better. Sorry.

crashed today. day off.

recurring thoughts.

trying to avoid doing anything though.

really trying.

i don't want to have to hide arms for when the weather gets warmer. it's already getting warmer.

also don't want to have to worry about when i go for a PAP. doctor will see thighs.

only place that seems like i could manage is my stomach. so so so tempting.

i won't. i won't. i won't.

i am going to repeat lysergia's words here: "shaddup lady"

indeed. it is what it is. not attention seeking. just need to write it somewhere.

wrote a poem today. need to spill the pain even a little. then i can manage to sit here and be with myself.

it was kind of cold today so i didn't walk. i should have.

i'll just take a bath and listen to more music and have dinner and make a lunch for tomorrow and maybe fold laundry.

laundry. yeah.

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i am

here.

so like, things could definitely be worse. i'm more stable than i was last week.

my birthday is coming up. i'll be 30.

so like.. ok right

feed thyself

clothe thyself

work

sleep

yes.

it's going to be ok.

so why do i want to cut?

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things dont always have to be at their worst in order for the urge to be there. I am sorry that you are still feeling it.

I know that today just so happens to be day 30 for me after a pretty big break... and i do not know that i am going to make it the night with the stuff that is going on right now... i dont know...

but i know that you can do it pj... i know it. we are here for you...i am here for you...

be well, hon

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things dont always have to be at their worst in order for the urge to be there. I am sorry that you are still feeling it.

I know that today just so happens to be day 30 for me after a pretty big break... and i do not know that i am going to make it the night with the stuff that is going on right now... i dont know...

but i know that you can do it pj... i know it. we are here for you...i am here for you...

be well, hon

sanks opie.

i am here for you too. it sometimes all feels like too much to handle. too much to survive through.

trying to get strength from remembering the times i did make it through is helping sometimes

but having support here is huge. sometimes just knowing someone is a IM or PM away is the thing that keeps me safe.

<3

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I've been feeling kinda shitty the last few days and I don't really know why either. There isn't really anything different than last week when I felt fine. This damn disease is so maddening at times.

i painted yesterday. somehow i feel more grounded and real when i paint.

i also get a sore back, but that's another thing. (the easel helps, but still)

sometimes i feel like i have to keep very very very still in order to avoid tumbling over into whatever mood happens to want to spill out. but even keeping very very very still has its risks. and really isn't any way to live.

i hate feeling broken.

i wish i was successful or something. and i mean successful in my OWN way. as a painter or making something of what i've learned, and continuing to learn. sometimes i just think that i live in such a small small world that has no consequence to anything.

i guess CB helps me feel like i'm not in such a small world, since i know people all over the world. I duno.

I just wish i would take care of myself and not harm myself. I make small steps in doing so, but it takes so much effort and eventually i get tired.

like last night i dreamt i had to fight two wrestling matches with these other women. i beat the first one fairly easily. but in the second, i was beat fairly easily. i feel like that's a metaphor for something.

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