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like a junkie

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i am hutring myself again.

im trying to work through it with my doctor and he has given me a new antipsychotic to try and calm me down a bit.

but to be honest right now i am liking hurting myself, i eagerly await doing it because i know when i do it i will be given some relief. and some pain to refocus my thoughts and bring me back to reality.

that sounds terrrible, that i look forward to huting myself.

i know all the terrible pain it causes after, not just the phyiscial pain to me and the scars, but worse the pain and shame it causes my family, boyfriend, and friends.

but i just need that fix, im like a junkie at the moment, ;) i cant imagen anything else feeling any better

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The junkie description is a good one. Your brain is hooked on that chemical release you get when you self-harm.

Are there addiction breaking techniques that may work in your situation....things to help you while your med adjustment kicks in?

Snapping a rubber band on your wrist....

Distracting yourself by going for a walk when you start having these thoughts....

Basically CBT stuff.

Anyone have any ideas of what worked for them?

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i have tried many other stratergies and for various reasons they all end up failing at some point.

dont get me wrong i have been through long periods (months at a time) where i havent needed a fix. but then i nose dive and i need it.

rubber bands dont draw blood, drawing read lines to show blood doesnt hurt.

i dont think i really need an alternate behaviour but more control over wanting to do that in the first place.

i made a list of what i think are my triggers in one side of a table and on the other side of the table i wrote the feelings, thoughts, emotions that came when i experienced that trigger.

i am going to somehow get this to my p-doc cause he always ask why i want to harm myself and i can never find a clear reason and if i do give a reason after i tell him i think to myself thats not my real reason, or that is only a small part of the reason.

does anyone else have any ideas on how to look at what triggers you, and deal with the behaviour.

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