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crazy crazy. stupid me. knew better. smoked the bad stuff anyway. (2 mos ago, found in instruments) same time as bad family episode.

since: irritable, snappy, restless, no umph, bluntly honest. small, not too often voice that talks back to me in my head. more aware of moving objects/things in corners of eyes.

feel like in a different phase of bp. i feel like i have advanced my bipolar.

ugg. just don't have the same happy-go-lucky, bouncy me that is "normal" for me. feel like i've aged.

focus is really, really off. to the point that i screwed up big-time at work one day. don't know how to snap out of those moments/days. fear for future.

need activity. not ready for activity. need change, trying. days are long and slow. stretch out before me. therefore, need activity. not ready for activity. (activity = outside of home)

ok, have been accomplishing stuff. nothing that takes much brain matter, but needs to be done. like projects, things put behind. good. done out of restlessness.

damn zits - more of them and not going away. just adds to staying out of public.

finally taking care of dry hands/cuticles/feet. had to buy dandruff shampoo. do do a little exercise and yoga. must remain so in future.

just hate the damn jump out of my skin and lack of focus feelings THE most. anxiety? taking more zanax.

oh, have a pinpointed headache from the sleeping pills. ambien/simply sleep.

have complained enough. just hope that this is not permanent from effing up big-time.

have i advanced it?

kathy

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Maybe, maybe not. This is one weird illness at the best of times. If you have, no-one here's going to judge you, least of all me (I keep drinking when I know I shouldn't - it's not a drink problem, but I know it's not helping me get better). You're a grown up, you knew the score and the risks.

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but have you advanced your disorder? as UR said, it is a weird disorder. i've had bp since i was 7 and i can say that there have been the best and worst of times. i've never inhaled and i've had major manias and depressions, hallucinations, and all of it thrown together.

you very well could have. you could have just put yourself into an episode or something. my dad was bp1 and majorly into drugs until he got clean before his suicide, and he was constantly making himself worse with his habit. he'd fling himself from one side of the moon to the other and back. oddly, he thought it was "helping" him and didn't recognize that he was hurting himself more (at least that's what he claimed).

i know thta when i drink it doesn't do anything good for my bp.

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I don't think there is an "advance"--this whole particular kind of nutcase seems to ebb and flow like tides, but with much less predictability. For example--

Even tho my doc says I am NOT BP--why was I so hyper ALL DAY yesterday, and then today, crashed like a tree, cried all day, never got dressed, did nothing? Thats a mood swing/cycling. kiddies, and not like any ADD I ever read about. I mean,.my brain was on hyperdrive all day yesterday--it got kinda scary about 5PM when I usually want to crash.

So--actually I think, and my doc confirmed, that the "evil weed" is actually pretty good self-medication, so don't think you can blame it on that. Just that nasty bug in your brain--or the crossed wires, or whatever it is.

I think if you spend your time trying to figure out what it is and why it is you will end up just digging a huge hole. I know there are triggers for some folks--I don't mean that. I mean, spending hours trying to figure out what you "have", which dx is right, why does this drug work sometimes, looking for patterns, and on and on. So you are batshit, then you spend all your time examining being batshit--which does nothing but make you more batshit.

Thats why I gave up on the dx--I just don't care, and I quit examining myself every second--"How do I feel? Am I up or down? Am I too down? How should I be feeling? What would make me feel better?"" Over and over--

Does nothing. Go with it, and try not to let being crazy take over your life. Cause then you'll be crazier.

china, glad I can post again--

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of course ymmv, but depending on use, all street drugs cause damage, for normal people too. those "after" brain-scans are riddled with holes. people who are mi or who have an mi predisposition are especially vulnerable. i know one healthy lad who dropped one hit of acid and turned irreversibly into a schizophrenic. although he had a predisposition, he could've avoided ever becoming mi, but that one drug encounter opened that mi door and it stayed open.

i don't know what you did or how chronic it was. as always, ymmv

but as a rule, street drugs cause damage & people with mi are especially vulnerable

don't beat yourself up though. you are where you are. do your best to get better. there's no point in being more miserable, so long as you've learned from your slips.

if you're just talking about a casual drink, my pdoc thinks once in a while is fine. more than that can start messing with your meds. and even more chronic...well, that's a whole nother problem.

good luck,

7

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I assume you're talking about pot.

Did you tell you pdoc?

Medwise you can compensate but not if he doesn't know about it.

It's pretty well established that if you're leaning towards psychosis to begin with that pot can push you over the edge. Like bp, psychotic disorders kindle so you have to stop the symptoms as soon as you notice them to keep them from ruling your life.

I'd guess he'd want to increase the the AP, but some ACs do have a reputation as being useful at slowing down kindling: Lamactil, Topamax, Keppra. My source on the later is iffy, so don't quote me on it.

Topamax does seem to have calmed some of my lingering psychedelic paranoia though.

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I wil not disagree that streeet drugs can cause some damage, but for me, it was how I learned and accepted that I am ADD--cause all the speed I did (which is a cheap form of Adderall) just made me feel better, more focused. I watched friends turn into raving paranoid loonies, cleaning the baseboards at 2 AM and all sort of other weird behaviors. It just made me feel normal.

Its like alcohol--some people are pre-disposed to addiction, and like I told my kids, you do NOT know if you are or not until you use it. So--either don't ever use drugs and alcohol, or if you do, let me know so we can watch for the bad shit. My kids already knew that there were some drugs to avoid at all costs--having been raised by bikers, and seen friends of ours die or become horribly weirded out from shit like PCP, crack, injected drugs, smoked speed, alcohol, etc.

But for me, speed was 15 years of trying to self-medicate to deal with the ADD no one knew I had. It also helped the depression which I refuesed to deal with.

Not suggesting any of this--just my own experience. LSD, peyote, etc. gave me weird side-effects, which I know now are because they have a similar molecule to Compazine and ALL the atypicals--I got the exact same side effects, researched it, and sure enough! Sigh--

china, embarrasingly straight

P.S. Takes pot 2 weeks to get out of your system--all those things you can buy are crap, don't work. Period. Most everything else, recreationally, takes 2-3 days. Dont try this at home --I am a professional.

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The bottom line, from what I've gathered (and experienced), is once you've had a psychotic episode, regardless of cause, anything psychedelic can bring it back. Once it's back you're not dealing with the effect of the drug. You're dealing with psychosis. Apples and oranges.

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i am feeling much better today. kinda gives me hope, along with y'alls responses, that it may not be permanent. but, of course, tis only a day.

it was like i could smoke the pot for the first 2 years of dx'd and then it just made me feel like crap. i quit like quite awhile ago because it did. apparantly, my desparation to lose myself made me forget all about the crap.

i believe your lessons get harder if you don't learn them the 1st, 2nd, 5th time. i am done. no more lessons for me. i know at this point that i will suffer awful consequences if i continue to do so.

(i really loved doing it. i will miss it.)

thank you!

kathryn

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P.S. Takes pot 2 weeks to get out of your system--all those things you can buy are crap, don't work. Period. Most everything else, recreationally, takes 2-3 days. Dont try this at home --I am a professional.

Marijuana can detected by urinalysis as long as 30 days, at least for heavy users (it's stored in fat cells).

a.m. (former urinalysis program coordinator)

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crazy crazy. stupid me. knew better. smoked the bad stuff anyway. (2 mos ago, found in instruments) same time as bad family episode.

since: irritable, snappy, restless, no umph, bluntly honest. small, not too often voice that talks back to me in my head. more aware of moving objects/things in corners of eyes.

feel like in a different phase of bp. i feel like i have advanced my bipolar.

ugg. just don't have the same happy-go-lucky, bouncy me that is "normal" for me. feel like i've aged.

focus is really, really off. to the point that i screwed up big-time at work one day. don't know how to snap out of those moments/days. fear for future.

need activity. not ready for activity. need change, trying. days are long and slow. stretch out before me. therefore, need activity. not ready for activity. (activity = outside of home)

ok, have been accomplishing stuff. nothing that takes much brain matter, but needs to be done. like projects, things put behind. good. done out of restlessness.

damn zits - more of them and not going away. just adds to staying out of public."

I can't figure out how to post without quoting. It seems like Add Reply is sometimes there & sometimes not...

But re skin, i had bad skin as an adolescent. It stopped when i stopped drinking whole milk. USers tend to have too much fat in their diets.

In Conn., not Mass. Can't figure out how to change that. Anyone?

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  • 1 month later...

i would say you would be half way there hun in 1week, 2weeks you start to feel 'normal' again. my experience is, that street drugs only bring on a cycle/episode if the brain is vulnerable to have one (so it would have happened anyway so don't be so hard on yourself) x

chinacat, i have been using speed in the same way for some years but never admitted it was for the exact same reason as you. i'm trying to sort meds and dx's out at moment. hopefully one day i might not need to to use to feel myself again.. thanks x

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i would say you would be half way there hun in 1week, 2weeks you start to feel 'normal' again. my experience is, that street drugs only bring on a cycle/episode if the brain is vulnerable to have one (so it would have happened anyway so don't be so hard on yourself) x

chinacat, i have been using speed in the same way for some years but never admitted it was for the exact same reason as you. i'm trying to sort meds and dx's out at moment. hopefully one day i might not need to to use to feel myself again.. thanks x

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