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Last night was one of the worst nights I've ever had. I was in so much emotional and mental pain that I wanted to swallow a bottle of pills and go outside for a walk until whatever happened. I have been trying for over 3 WEEKS to get to see my bloody psychiatrist and my poor, wonderful GP has sent 2 urgent referrals through to the Crisis Team who decide if I'm bad enough to see the pdoc. I keep telling them I'm self-harming but it doesn't make any difference. Yesterday when I talked to the team I told the social worker I was going to self harm because I needed some relief and she had the nerve to say "well that's not a very sensible thing to do"!!! I couldn't believe it!! Finally at 9pm I found a telephone number to call for mental health crises and they were wonderful. I finally cried after all these weeks. It became clear as a bell that I need to leave the UK and return to the US where I lived 22 yrs before coming home to the UK to take care of mum. How and when I am going to do this I don't know. I miss my dear friends who helped me through these things. I miss my job which was the happiest time of my life before I left. My mum will have a fit "you can't survive over there"!! But I've already got a place to stay while I apply for SSDI Disability over there. Am I such a bad person to leave my mum? It will be really hard to go against her. She is an enormously controlling woman and she talked me out of it last year when I had bought a plane ticket to go back.

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Vivi~ in no way are you a bad person. You are an individual with the right to an individual unique life of your own, of your own power, control, your life.

There is much pain that comes in our lives, but we must put the time limit on how long we suffer.

That is where our choice comes in, so that we do not become in suffrage.

Anyone with suicidal ideaization I would feel has to be in suffrage.

Of course so many more of us are with how we ruminate over the past or live in the future.

Vivi, you are here, now in the present.

You must make the choice for your happiness your LIFE.

We do not have control over what others say to us or do to us.

It is what we do with it that matters.

You sound to me as if you have a very good sense of yourself, and a plan.

Now it is what action you choose to take.

Of course that does NOT INCLUDE the suicide!

That is not planning, that is an escape.

My Prayers are With You.

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It seems as though you have been trying for a very long time to take care of bothyour mother and yourself, and it doesn't sound like it's working out. There are times when you have to choose yourself over others and it sounds like it has gotten to that point. It does not make you a bad person. It means that you are making the decision to take care of yourself and it is something you need to do. Once you have made the decision, don't let your mom change your mind. karuna says that there are services and such that can help your mother, so you need to do good for yourself.

Plan for your future. Try to stay away from the self-abusive behaviors and thoughts and think about how you are doing a good thing for yourself. Even though it will be hard, this is positive change.

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vivi i totally empathise with you. you must remember, to look after someone else, you must look after yourself first, or cannot fulfill that role. your mum is her own responsibility, however hard it may seem. she gave you life to live it and should at this difficult time solely think of her own downfalls but consider yours also!

i hope this does not seem too harsh and please stop yourself feeling guilty... personal experience of very similar circumstances (my mum is in the same position but is doing just the same witout me) is compelling me to tell you this. you dont deserve to suffer and do need to survive so do what you feel in your gut xx

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you know the way out isn't self harm or suicide- you know the way out is to get out of a medical system that refuses to help you at all and away from a mother that controls you. you know you need to try for ssdi and try to get yourself straight over here in the US.

since you know you don't want to commit suicide, i don't have to tell you about how it feels to have someone you love kill themself and how it feels to find them dead.

please, take care of yourself first. you have to be healthy to do anything good for anyone else. life is too short for that kind of guilt.

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you know the way out isn't self harm or suicide- you know the way out is to get out of a medical system that refuses to help you at all and away from a mother that controls you. you know you need to try for ssdi and try to get yourself straight over here in the US.

. you have to be healthy to do anything good for anyone else. life is too short for that kind of guilt.

I have dual citizenship between UK and US. If I return to US how can I get my meds without any job or health insurance?? I am working on a place to stay until I can get SSDI but I won't have any income and cant work.

Any ideas from you wonderful Americans would be most gratefully received!!!

(Not that the UK people aren't great...I love living in the UK but I can't have it all and am having to prioritize.)

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR MESSAGES. YOU GUYS HAVE SAVED MY LIFE!!

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you know the way out isn't self harm or suicide- you know the way out is to get out of a medical system that refuses to help you at all and away from a mother that controls you. you know you need to try for ssdi and try to get yourself straight over here in the US.

. you have to be healthy to do anything good for anyone else. life is too short for that kind of guilt.

I have dual citizenship between UK and US. If I return to US how can I get my meds without any job or health insurance?? I am working on a place to stay until I can get SSDI but I won't have any income and cant work.

Any ideas from you wonderful Americans would be most gratefully received!!!

(Not that the UK people aren't great...I love living in the UK but I can't have it all and am having to prioritize.)

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR MESSAGES. YOU GUYS HAVE SAVED MY LIFE!!

Fear not, my BEST friend, we're gonna get you back over here by hook or by crook...Never underestimate a hypomanic Borderline yank!!! (When I set my mind to something-look out...) All the pieces are being put into place (gettin' our "ducks in a row!) Just hang on to the fact that you WILL BE HERE! Just a matter of time, my sweet Viv...hold on tight to that knowledge! Love, "Cowdog"

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You could try to get medicaid in the state you reside in while waiting for SSDI. Some states offer nothing, some will give you a temporary medicaid card if you claim you are disabled. You may have to try to get welfare in order to keep medicaid. Clinics also offer sliding scale visits and will provide you with samples, but this varies widely by state I would imagine.

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