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Violence causing more extreme SI thoughts


Panz

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;):):cussing::wtf::cussing:

Ok, I live on my friends farm. Part of living here is helping with the animals.I have been holding lambs and goat kids for tail docking (lambs) and castration. I hate listening to their screams of pain. I hate holding them helpless. But I don't have much choice.

Lately I have had vivid images of me cutting off fingers, ears. lips etc. I'm drawn to self torture and don

t know how to ask for help. My tdocs are like "yeaah, but you haven't done these things, so they are just thoughts" But they haunt me, make me edgy to do them. I feel sick just posting this, but I needed to get it out

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hmmm, clearly doing this is triggering something in your head. i wonder if the intrusive thoughts are your brain's way of processing the experience?

sorry about the no help docs. maybe you need to insist 'but they are BOTHERING me'. perhaps they don't realize how intrusive the thoughts really are and how troublesomethey are.

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Lately I have had vivid images of me cutting off fingers, ears. lips etc. I'm drawn to self torture and don

t know how to ask for help. My tdocs are like "yeaah, but you haven't done these things, so they are just thoughts" But they haunt me, make me edgy to do them. I feel sick just posting this, but I needed to get it out

I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this...

I mean, one thing you can try to do is to be persistant with your doctors in wanting to talk about it. Keep bringing it up until they listen. I, personally, believe that the answer, "yeaah, but you haven't done these things, so they are just thoughts," is just such bullshit. I mean, I think about suicide everyday... all sorts of different ways and things relating to it... no, I obviously have not killed myself yet, so most of these things are just thoughts. Ummm.... that still makes me suicidal and at risk of killing myself... on the edge all the fucking time. Thoughts are very powerful. Your doctors should be helping you to relieve disturbing thoughts in order to prevent them, or similar things, from happening, not just let you suffer. Let them know that it reallybothers you, that it haunts you, and that you need to talk.

Be well and take care of yourself.

~O

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first of all.. who cares whether or not you've done this? as everyone else has said, they are obviously intrusive thoughts that are greatly bothering you and need dealt with!

second of all, if anyone in your system is claiming they aren't just thoughts and they DID happen, listen to them and trust them. weird things happen to kids who have to become multiple. (if that does happen, also watch movie FX movies because kids are gullible and i know that we were tricked as to what happened through movie "magic" tricks.)

third, are you able to think of holding the animals differently? perhaps instead of viewing it as holding them helpless while someone does violent things at them... can you think that you are holding them safely while someone makes sure that they have healthier lives? i don't think i could do it, honestly. maybe you can ask your friend how she copes with it. maybe she has some mind tricks to not let it bother her.

from what you've said, it's their screams of pain that are setting things off the most... can you wear earplugs or headphones with music blasting? i don't know... something to minimize listening to their cries?

we have a huge fascination with violence and especially self violence, so i know how you feel. we start getting any intrusive thoughts about anything violent and we have to hide under nate's chair so we don't do things we'll regret. it's hard. i've never had a therapist understand quite HOW hard before.

keep trying to explain to the tdocs though. maybe they can help you figure out where it's all coming from.

abi

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i don't know what i wuold say that abi hasn't already said. my thoughts are with you as i dont know how to deal witha very simiar issue from watching tortued animals as a child. still convinced i'm going to hell for that one even though my logical brain said i was just a child doind what i was taught.

dammit crowds of littles make it hard to talk/type.

i'm sorry Panz. we're here.

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You would be really smart to move somewhere else and get a less stressful job, ASAP!!

In the meantime, ask them for some other kind of work that doesn't involve participation in violent acts.

MI people can't subject themselves to that kind of repeated stress. You're playing with fire.

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