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I hear ya...I'm on the verge again, Ophelia.  I'm trying ever so hard not to do it again.  I keep thinking to myself....why in the world should I actually give a shit about myself?

I hate my life, I hate that I have to live alone without no one to care about me, other than my cats, I'm crying my heart out, I want out!  I won't go to a hospital because of my bad experience with one.  I'm just plain sick and tired of it!

I can't keep these emotions under control.  I keep thinking about my failures and not the good things I've done with my life.  Because my failures totally out number the great and wonderful deeds I've done.  My advice to others is like, hey, don't do it.  Then I go and turn around and think...shouldn't I be giving this advice to myself?  Yeah, right!  Like I would listen to my own advice.

*sighs*  I'm a real fucking mess right now, Ophelia.  I can't stop crying.  I can't stop wishing for death.  Not that I'm actually planning my suicide.  I'm too chicken shit to do that.  But everynight, when I go to bed, I keep saying, HEY, anyone up there?  TAKE ME NOW!  I'm tired of this.  I'm tired of all this mental torture.  This physical torture.  This road of loneliness.  I want love and I want it now.  And do I hear the voice of God?  Makes me want to puke.  My mother keeps telling me, he'll answer me.  What a joke!  If that's that case, I'll never hear anything.  Guess I'm blinded or something.  Maybe it's because I'm tainted by my beliefs and believe that there's a God and Goddess.  I dunno.

I hope you're okay.  I truly do.  I keep thinking about what I did several weekends ago.  I showed my therapist what I did and she's worried.  Wrote down everything in my chart to show my Pdoc for my appt. that got rescheduled.  Bastard! You'd think it there was some kind of "red tag" on my chart that he wouldn't do that shit.  *growls*

Hang in there, babe.  I may be all out of sorts, but I really am here for ya.

Elizabeth...the fucked up girl

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I can't keep these emotions under control.  I keep thinking about my failures and not the good things I've done with my life.  Because my failures totally out number the great and wonderful deeds I've done.  My advice to others is like, hey, don't do it.  Then I go and turn around and think...shouldn't I be giving this advice to myself?  Yeah, right!  Like I would listen to my own advice.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I agree with this so much.... ugh

it was 10 days... now it isnt because I suck.  I dont actually show my doc my scars/cuts... i guess it sorta scares me, I don't know.  ...and i'm also so worried.  this friday I am going with my family to Ocean City, Maryland... where there will be a lot of situations in which i have to wear short sleeves/sleevesless outfits... im just fucked.  I can't believe I started habitually again.  I hate myself...then again, i think you already covered that topic, so I wont repeat the whole thing when it is, for the most part, the same sentiment as what you said.

thank you for responding to my post.  I'm sorry if it wasted your time.  I really didnt mean to be a bother and I know that you are going through your own shit, so the last thing you have to think about is me.

I really hope you are doing a little better, though, and continue to do so.  Take care of yourself.

thank you

~Ophelia

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Hey I have just got out of hospital where they take everything off of you!!!!  I so want to cut and die.

I think it is better to just die and leave on big hurt than to go on hurting people little by little over time.

Man am I dumb.

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Failed about two days ago.  Fuck.  I'd been fine for a couple months now then the equally crazy boy didn't call and I just started to spiral knowing that I had to end things (and trying to figure out how to get back my books).  Sorry for the random blathering, but I'm just so pissed at myself right now.  Now I'm stuck inside because I can't tolerate being out in the world when I've done this. 

Is a cure even possible?  I'm usually my own best drill seargeant for a couple weeks/maybe even months and then it all goes to hell and the cycle starts all over again. 

I was so proud of myself too because I had been so "good" for so long.  I missed my therapist appointment this week due to work so that probably didn't help.  I hate the fact that I miss one appointment, stay up late or otherwise don't adhere to my schedule and my life goes to shit. 

Damn it. 

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