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(i'm not being disclosing about anything specific about my group therapy here. and that can't be an issue.)

It came up MULTIPLE times in my full time group therapy this morning about suicide and I freaking lost it.

I get so sick of people whining about wanting to kill themselves and holding people emotionally hostage as behavioral issues. People really have no idea what the cost is of threatening to kill themselves ...

I am talking about this as recovering from SEVERAL (8-10 overdoses, 1 firearm and 3 cutting) suicide attempts - out of those, I honestly don't know what are honest and what are attention getting. I don't honestly remember thinking "I want to kill myself, Lets get some attention..." But then when doing cognitive work afterwards ... every single time i've retraced each attempt to clear causes, like ... last christmas I got challenged on the fact that I was drinking at family christmas - in fact that I had beer in my coffee cup ... and then my aunt told me that my avoidance of wheat was hypochondria (indirectly, or how I took it) ... and then later when I was upset about having to spend 4 hours at a clinic getting a klon refil (i was on it legitimately and because i'm a suicide risk I can't get more than 7 days at a time and a pharmacy locked my scrip so I ended up having to go to a walkin in a very last minute emergcy basis) and she told me "well, at my dentists office WE don't give scripts to DRUG ADDICTS EITHER" ... and I ended up cutting myself badly, the first time I ever cut in a non-clothing covered place, and lost a pretty large amount of blood (with a petty dull knife - it required some VERY painful cuts to hit an artery) and on boxing day ended up in emerg.

So today we had some people in group talking about how "depressed" they were, and feeling very suicidal. I totally lost it at one point and was pretty blunt about it. How depressed you? I was incredibly insensitive. I mean, I can't compare suffering. But I have almost no tolerance for people dallying around with death. The emotional and cognitive work-up to suicide is insanely wretching on the psyche. I am still not over the disassociating and psychologically destructive effects that readying myself to kill myself had on me. But at the same time I had absolutely nothing to contribute but anger to these people.

Even now i'm totally angry. I can see that behaviorally they are just desperately looking for attention - they are desperate because they aren't able to control and manipulate their own situations - just like I was during things in the past - and wanted to make strong statements - and feel like they have no other options...

But I mean... you're cornered. And have nothing else to do. So fuck. Do something about it.

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I have thought a lot about suicide, being bipolar myself and having it my family. My grandfather committed suicide and my father has made attempts and serious threats. My aunt made her own attempt as well. I've had the thoughts of it wander through my own head plenty and I only think of myself as spared from attempts and serious threats...

I guess that's how I look at it. Suicide is, in my mind, almost always a product of illness. Whether it looks like attention-getting behavior or what feels like a genuine desire to die seems almost incidental. It's human pain at its most raw and visceral. Perhaps reacting with anger when it presents itself--either as a thought, a threat or an attempt--is not the best or most helpful response.

In saying that, I'm not at all trying to negate your feelings. Those feelings of anger and frustration are surely coming from some place of meaning for you. I have a sense that they probably have very little to do with those people today that are grappling with their own thoughts of suicide and death. It might be a good idea to sit with those feelings, be cognizant of them and also be compassionate towards yourself about them because they are probably indicative of something painful. You don't want to careen into something harmful...

Probably something good to take up in individual therapy if you're doing that. Or with a friend. Or here.

Be well,


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