Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

lost the rocker


Recommended Posts

just when everything was going too good, i missed my pdoc appointment. you know. so hypomanic everything is going so great, -- what? i had a pdoc appointment? 20 minutes ago and i'm just leaving work 35 min away? i'm high enough that i haven't eaten a lot today, and thus spilled over into tears. driving too fast. not being able to wind down. not being able to stop myself from having too much caffeine. really craving cigarettes. new job, new boss, time pressures, less time to eat, no breaks (this is a bipolar job, btw, it's like, the boss said it -- either we're running, or you need to find something to do to busy yourself; bring a trashy novel maybe)... i'm having less sleep (4.5hrs, 6 hrs, etc) and i feel like i can't focus (hence the caffeine, i think -- today around 3:00 i NEEEEDED some because i felt like i was just drifting into just clicking at different windows on the screen.

i feel completely unhinged.

i have tomorrow off. i chose to take tomorrow off. i am thinking it's a bad decision, i might find myself derailed since instead of getting up at 6:30am i can get up whenever, and then i'll miss the window in the morning when the pdoc office opens and i can call right away to maybe get in on a cancellation or something.

oh, and my uncle (who supposedly isn't bipolar, we just don't know) is having fights with people at the drug store or something. went off his meds because i don't know why.. he had a rash or the flu or something. when he talked to me the other day i could tell something was up. he was being too sweet to me. which happens when he rages -- he's either extremely angry and abusive or super-sweet.

and my parents just got back from out of country and last night i thought i was going to explode because my mother was talking so much so fast so circular and everywhere to everyone AH!

i think my family isn't off its rocker, i think we completely lost the rocker a long time ago. like maybe a few generations back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope you can find a way to get to pdoc tomorrow. Just show up there and they should be able to see you. It's understandable to miss appointments when you are manic. I've done it countless times. I think if you go to your pdocs it wasn't a bad decision to take the day off from work. Try to emphasize you need to see him right away. Take care and stay safe!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i'm crying and i can't stop. i will go tomorrow. i didn't even think to just show up.

thanks scatty

i'm probably crashing from not enough food.

my heart's been racing all day. like, palpitations.

too much caffeine.

i am also chastizing myself for taking up anyone's time and attention with any of this.

i hate all of this. i hate the whole thing.

i want it to STOP

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i am also chastizing myself for taking up anyone's time and attention with any of this.

shaddup lady. i'll care about you all i wanna. so there ;)

(((hugs)))) for peej

hoping today is a better day

Link to comment
Share on other sites

were you able to make the call this morning? i hope so. it would be good to talk to someone who might be able to (at least try) help you get a handle on the spinniness.

*hugs peej* i'm too frazzled to perceive and act appropriately, but if there's anything i can help you with, even tiny things, tell me. definite things are something i can usually handle.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

were you able to make the call this morning? i hope so. it would be good to talk to someone who might be able to (at least try) help you get a handle on the spinniness.
'

pdoc is away. i thought it was BEFORE my appointment. turns out it was after. so like, i could have called on tuesday. or the week before. i asked if anyone was filling in for her, and the receptionist said 'no, she said if it was an emergency, patients should go to the hospital.'

this is not a hospital emergency.

i see my gp next tuesday. i hope i can sit with things until then. if it gets worse, i'll try to do something about it, but i'm tired of things escalating into the dramatic. just going to try and deal.

if only i can figure out what to have for lunch.

thanks

pj

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, that doesn't sound like fun at all. Totally been there. The head thing... may I suggest banging head against wall until all noise stops? May I suggest something (pill form) to slow your head down? Sleeeeep is good.

If it makes you feel better I cam e here to rant about being depressed, but don't have the energy. Although I can't keep from shaking my legs.

Family history stuff sucks. The best you can do is try to get it back to "normal" (HAHAHAHA - I laugh whenever I use that word) for future generations. "And now I'm serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime..." Interesting note about myself that I find amusing - my grandfather, whom I never met, and I both went to the same mental hospital. Made me feel like I was seeing ghosts or something.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

restless legs and depression sucks. i've been lying in bed all day. yay days off. it'll probably be better to work tomorrow.

one of my bp uncles just died. i didn't go the funeral.

just listened to music (thanks synthetic) and tried to not freak out.

what i hate about all this is that i feel totally depressed now, which feels NORMAL to me. like, ah. back in the old state of mind. it feels safer. much much safer.

so yeah i don't know what pills to take, exactly. i didn't have any caffeine of any kind today. i'm going to try limiting myself to one in the morning and focus on getting other things in my body that might help focus me, like food. imagine that. food.

banging head against wall might be better than whatever i was thinking. see other thread.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, lack of food really screws me up, too--but please, kiddo, be aware that if you are really going WAY UP, even food isn't going to do the trick.

You know yourself better than anyone--are you sure you don't need to investigate/think about the ER option?

I know ==-its my least fun alternative, always. But I also know that what goes up--and up--and up--usually comes down, hard. And I want you to have a soft place to fall. And doesn't sound like you've got much support to provide that.

Just a thought--

Please keep in touch--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And I want you to have a soft place to fall. And doesn't sound like you've got much support to provide that.

what's funny enough is that in all appearances i do; except as is evidenced by the years my other crazy relatives just went off the deep end while everyone around threw up their hands and exclaimed how idiotic they were until it got REALLY serious and even then.. ultimately i have to call my doctor or make a decision to go, and no one can do that for me, and i just don't .. know -- like, every situation is different. i've only ever gone twice, really. once when my mother took me when i was 15, because i was cutting, and the gp advised her to. the other time, i got my wife to take me, and two of my friends came with, because i was feeling suicidal.

i'm feeling a bit self-destructive but not suicidal. and things feel calmer now. i want to work tomorrow. then it'll be the weekend and even if they do go haywire again it'll be the worst worst time to go. i think it was friday the last time. ten hour wait.

i want to keep my head on this time. and my hat, for that matter.

i think i can do it. is that a delusion?

i am not completely without support or people around who care. i just don't know how to really -- i dont have a plan, and they don't know what to do, they don't necessarily know what's going on beyond i've been in bed all day and i have been crying since yesterday. my mother yelled at me for slamming a cupboard. she said i need to get my act together or something. i forget what she said, but whatever.

bye for now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glad my music could help. I assume you're listening to the sad stuff. For whatever reason, listening to sad music when I'm sad makes me feel better. I don't know how many days I just laid in bed and listened to music because I didn't feel like doing anything else. It's a lot. Anyway, you know where to find me if you need to talk or whatever.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry about your uncle. I hope you can talk to someone in rl who will be supportive. Does your city have a crisis center? I've been to one before- it's who to call when you don't know who to call. Keep posting and try to take it easy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh peej, I am sorry things are so hard. I wish I could magic it away. Please stay safe and keep in touch, and consider ER if it worsens.

it so sporadically seems to get too intense and then drops off again. i think a lot of this is anxiety. i manage anxiety by reducing my coffee intake and talking about doing more yoga. heh. not so effective.

my head is so fucking full of everything.

an hour later, just remembered that i was posting this. i've written huge messages to at least three people.

i feel like i could write the first draft of a master's thesis tomorrow.

yeah. i seem to be cycling. pretty damn rapidly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

and when was your pdoc supposed to be back again?...

is your gp an option?...

does your pdoc practice with other pdocs? if you ask reception, is there a backup pdoc your pdoc has designated for his/her emergency patients?

i think it is really important for you to stay safe and to get this cycling under control. have you discussed a plan with your pdoc in case you might need hospitalization, an emergency plan to maybe prevent hospitalization? that's always a good thing to have in place ahead of time. (speaking of which, right now my pdoc took me off my emergency med, and i don't have a backup plan right now..)

don't be afraid to go to the ER if you feel it is out of control. you'll know it i'm sure.

i'm sorry you feel like garbage. one second you're the star of the universe, and the next you want to crawl under the covers and just melt into the bed.

family histories say a lot about us too. sometimes they just want to deny it, and it makes it worse for those of us who are open about it and do get treatment. WE'RE the crazy ones. talk about crazy...

i'm very sorry about your uncle. my deepest sympathies.

loon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

and when was your pdoc supposed to be back again?...

is your gp an option?...

does your pdoc practice with other pdocs? if you ask reception, is there a backup pdoc your pdoc has designated for his/her emergency patients?

i think it is really important for you to stay safe and to get this cycling under control. have you discussed a plan with your pdoc in case you might need hospitalization, an emergency plan to maybe prevent hospitalization? that's always a good thing to have in place ahead of time. (speaking of which, right now my pdoc took me off my emergency med, and i don't have a backup plan right now..)

don't be afraid to go to the ER if you feel it is out of control. you'll know it i'm sure.

Thanks Loon; no, pdoc works out of a clinic and she's the only pdoc. reception said 'if it's an emergency patients are told to go to the ER'.. i see my gp on tues anyway, so i'll talk to him.

i've been trying to take it easy -- really really easy, for this weekend. we'll see how the first day of work goes. i got some good breakfast food, have a lunch packed, i'm going see how stable i can make it through.

i'm sorry you feel like garbage. one second you're the star of the universe, and the next you want to crawl under the covers and just melt into the bed.

family histories say a lot about us too. sometimes they just want to deny it, and it makes it worse for those of us who are open about it and do get treatment. WE'RE the crazy ones. talk about crazy...

i'm very sorry about your uncle. my deepest sympathies.

loon

my mom's uncle was bp1. he did have some pretty wild highs and really bad lows.

my mom's brother is going through a lot right now too. he's not well, physically i mean, and he went off his anti-depressant -- which made him feel even worse. he's become really needy and it's really hard to tell when things are bad enough that he has to go to the ER, or if he's just trying to get more contact with his sisters.

pj

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I hope your gp can help you figure something out. Rapid cycling is so draining. Let us know how the appt. goes. Stay safe.

the appointment wasn't really anything. i mean, he basically suggested that i could take an AP prn if i needed to, like, at work to help settle me out. i duno about that.

the biggest hugest factor at this point for not letting myself get too far out there is avoiding caffeine. i'm not having any beyond the morning cup. today i somehow gapped that green tea is caffeinated, and i had some at lunch (mm vietnamese).. well i'm feeling it for sure.

at least if i know what it is i can deal. ok yeah, lemme just settle myself out and not freak that tomorrow i might be so far gone that i'll jump out my bedroom window.

damn.

pj, really now. take the damn pills and go to bed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

caffeine can be the devil (she says while sipping her morning cup). when i was all active ED and not eating, and too skinny, and living on coffee (starbucks quad venti, sugar free vanilla non fat latte), i was strung out to the max, a nervous wreck, and all over the place ugly irritable, ragey, and dropping into pits of blackness like nobody's bizness.

hope you're feeling better today. maybe some fruit smoothies today instead of caffeine? they gots vitamins and junk too!

;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

PJ--I. too, and am a "rapid cycler" and as I learned this week, also have very rapid "mixed states"--I prefer to refer to them as "drive by's" My pdoc increased my mood stabalizer (Tegretol, all I can take) but when he put me on Adderall for my ADD it really helped. Jut know when those cycles come along, they are gonna stop really soon--you will go down for a while, but you'll be back to "baseline"--whatever that is for you--really quickly. Maybe a few notes to yourself to that effect around your house--"Its shit, but its almost over" kind of thing. The good side? At least we don't have cycles that go for week/months!! The quickies/drive-bys are exhausting and weird for others to observe, but they are over quickly.

I have such a high tolerance to anything, it seems--caffeine doesn't bug me except if I drink iced coffee(Starbucks, with a shot or two!!) a couple of afternoons in a row--then my Crohn's kicks in. But I know plenty o'people who have problems with it. You seem to beginning to get a handle on what affets YOU--thats the important thing. We know better than anyone how our bodies react. My pdoc says I sleep too much, but I just know I always have slept a lot, and its NOT unhealthy for me. I also learned this week that the exotix world of illicit drugs has little joy for me any more--just --nothing--.My DH, whose pharmacological metabolism is the envy of the entire family, is a real cheap date--sigh--Ah, the good ole days of self-medication.

Pay atention to what works for you--thats the best advice I can give, since when it comes to meds, you don't even want to start that with me. I apparently am like no one on the earth, according to my pdoc--sigh--

Best to you--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...