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so I've been drinking more than my "policy" level lately. the last week has been pretty bad - between 10oz to 26 a night of vodka and maybe some beers as chase. No good came of any of it and I wasn't planning on keeping it going as long as it did, nor did I ever expect it to get as bad as it did. (do we ever?) Well, sometimes I full intend to flat out binge. This time I didn't. I behaved really badly too, it was all just self-enabling. Classic patterns. Anyways.

I assumed that it was only a week of drinking and it wouldn't be a big deal, but i've been sorely shocked. I've got a WICKED ulcer and a spastic colon now to start things off. That made yesterday a no-hold-food-down day. All week i've been having blood sugar and pressure crashes in the morning and i've been living on electrolyte solution. Its almost run out.

But then I got a suprise package this morning. My best guess is that last night I threw up enough alcohol that I metabolized it very rapidly while I was passed out on the bathroom floor last night. My body is really, really run down right now. I woke up halfway through the night and was like wtf? I have no boozemouth - normally I still reek at 7am when I wake up, especially with the amount I typically drink. And that was a BIG drinkup that preceded it. So I moved to bed and went back to sleep. I got a good 12 hours including the time on the bathroom floor.

I woke up and didn't feel good, just really tired and the ulcer was SCREAMING. I was dizzy and unco-ordinated. I took my meds and whatnot and went to group, but during the group I was shaking and twitching out of control and could barely stand up I was so dizzy. I couldn't hold any food down to even try and get my blood sugar back up (I had electrolyte solution before I left home) and I realized I was in serious trouble. By 11:00 I was vibrating like I would associate with probably day 3 of the DT's and my fingers were literally jerking up on my hands and my knees / legs jumping around, and then patches of my skin were visibly dancing around. Then I was getting shocky sensations in various parts of my body. Then my jaw started rattling (this happens alot when i'm anxious) and my anxiety went into overload. I knew it was time to hit the ER because - especially with missing a dose of topa and lami the day before - I was in prime seizure territory.

But i've NEVER had withdrawal come on that fast.

This scared the CRAP out of me. The doctor looked at me and told me straight up either i'm going to seize or not, and there isn't much they can do about it. Then I got a short lecture and he gave me a wimpy little scrip for what is really only a day worth of useful ativan. I didn't want to sound like a total junkie and demand the 1000mg+ of valium I would need for a real medical home detox, instead I got 21 .5mg ativans. WHEE. It took 3.5mg to get the shaking to stop today. And i'm still WAY too wired to sleep. I'll have to go back to the hospital on saturday if i'm really hitting the wall.

I got ABSOLUTELY nothing out of this relapse other than to piss off my friends, erase all of the progress I had made in getting socially re-integrated and undermining my own confidence. And now I got a week of DT's to look forward to, a raging miserable ulcer and likely three weeks of sleep disturbance (i'm a wicked insomniac as it is.) I need a poster somewhere with this stuff written on it ... just to remind me every month or so when something bad happens that I let myself think is a stupid excuse to go off.

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yeah. i've considered antabuse. The big problem when I clean up is that I dont usually crave alcohol and I start wanting *something* else ... either I start eating too much or then I want to drop E on the weekend or smoke pot.

I aslo keep drinking beers here and there, with dinner and at other people's places - not usually at home ... this keeps me out of fear of the alcohol. I never binge drink beer. Ever.

Straight vodka has to be involved for me to be a dangerous drinker. And the problem isn't the alcohol on a one night context - its the *behavior* when i'm drunk that i've enabled, and its the habitation that goes on for multiple days when i've enabled a bender somehow. So i'm working on the behavioral strategies as my approach and working through it DBT-wise and maintaining that i'm going to be able to do what I have had NO problems doing - drinking alcohol with food. My problems are choices which enable behavior and shift me into my asshole alternate personality. I am not a compulsive drinker - I just compulsively look for excuses to act out.

Because of that I haven't really been interested in Antabuse and neither has my professionals. It was brought up a couple times in the past and I wasn't privvy to the exact reasoning on it. I'm also on a crapload of meds.

My Topamax should also help with the DT's ...

Today the DT's aren't bad. I woke up really early. I'm still wondering WTF happened yesterday to make it all so bad so fast. Today i'm not vibrating (yet) ... I had one beer last night to potentiate the wussy dose of ativan. It totally stopped the shaking / twitching in its tracks and I was able to get 7 1/2 hours of much needed sleep. My ulcer is quiet again and my stomach isn't twitching and churning. So I think i'm over that little hurdle. I'll drop the ativan to the perscribed dose today and see how that goes. I see my pdoc (after 6months) today in Toronto and i'll talk about that everything with him. So unless by tomorrow night i'm hallucenating and shaking like a vibrator and bathed in slime and whatnot ... my guess is that this was cute some sort of acute response and glycemic issue. Doesn't make any sense to me other than to smarten up and stop drinking again.

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I have been using antabuse for over a year and it really helps me. I have to go off the antabuse for a couple weeks before I can "safely" drink. That gives me enough time to come to my senses and get ahold of my support network. No matter how bad my cravings have been I have never come real close to drinking while on the antabuse--fear of the reaction does wonders.

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