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Well I finally admitted it to myself.

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I've been diagnosed bipolar for about 5 years, but I always wondered if I wasn't just being strong enough and blaming my ups and downs on my own success and failures. I haven't been on meds for about 6 months. Well anyways last week I was hospitalized for a manic attack. Full blown energetic hallucinations. I can't deny it to myself now. I have a fucking problem and it's not all just in the mind but rather some chemistry. A real wake up call. Going on meds again. So hello my name is hassmaschine and I guess I"m not part of your club.

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You're in good company :)

Did anyone teach him the secret handshake yet?

(I only know the handshake because I am an honorary member. I'm not crazy*, but my husband is ;) )

Everyone sing along....

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...."

*Sanity status currently under dispute after discussing my childhood with fellow CB member Abifae.

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i'm sorry about your manic attack and hospitalization. i hate it when that happens.

i've been diagnosed for 21 years, since i was 7, and i still have periods of denial and self-recrimination over my disability. i'm on SSDI and don't accept that, either.

it takes a lot to just go with it, i understand totally. you just don't want to believe it- you want to achieve your dreams and live your life without worrying about all that comes with bp.

for me, my dream is to go to the most desolate places on the planet and be a nurse practitioner/community health nurse for a charity organization. however, i can never achieve this dream, because i need to be near western medicine at all times. i can't be without my pdoc, tdoc, meds, and the hospital.

it is a tough spot to be in. you'll probably go through more periods of doubt and self-recrimination. hatemachine, it isn't your fault, and you know that. if your symptoms are bad enough and you cannot work, apply for SSDI. don't feel bad if you have to do that. i know i often do and it just isn't right.

bp is scary. but it doesn't have to rule you. good for you for taking your meds- keep it up and you can live the most normal life possible.


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I always find that when it's bad, I feel like there's definitely something wrong with me, and I must see pdoc NOW...But when I'm fine, I find it hard to believe I'm going through this charade of seeing a pdoc. When he tells me I might get "ill" again, I almost feel insulted. Like, what is he talking about? I'm hyper sane-- just feel bad sometimes. All semantics I guess. But yeah, for me it's easier to be embarassed about seeing a pdoc when I feel fine.

I'm still not sure if I've accepted it.



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We are simply "mentally interesting"--and batshit crazy as hell, usually. And this is ONE PLACE where you don't have to be afraid to say that

There is nothing "wrong " with any of us--we are wired differntly. Its like you hook up one electrical appliance one way, and aother a different way. The wiring is different. Thats us.

Pdocs pay for their BMW's telling us we are "sick"--take their meds, and learn to deal withyour own life on your own terms.

Good luck, always--


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