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not sure if this is a good idea or not


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Guest Guest_Nancy_*

I have never done this kind of thing before and not sure if it's a good idea or not. I have a very difficult time talking or expressing myself so I don't know how much good it will do anyway. I am severely depressed and even though it's hard for me to talk about personal issues, sometimes it helps just to listen to someone else. Just tell me about your day or whatever. I know it sounds silly, but I am just trying to make it through the night. It's the only thing I know that helps.

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Hi Nancy,

It's pretty awesome that you asked for support. It IS a good idea! It's good to have things you can do to help yourself when you are feeling depressed.

My meds are kicking in and I need to get to bed. Otherwise I would tell you about my day, and this entry would be much longer.

But I wanted to say hello and offer support... :) You will find a lot of support here.

MG

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Guest Guest_Nancy_*

I am new to this so bear with me if you can. To be honest I am not sure why I am even here as I have no real hope of anything ever really getting better. All I want to do is crawl into a hole somewhere and pull the earth in over me. Every day seems to be worse than the day before and I am just so damn tired of trying. I don't have the strength to stand up to this anymore. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't get away from the constant turmoil and noise in my head. You would think that there would be a stopping point wouldn't you? A point where things at least cease to keep worsening, but I am not so sure there is that point. Everyday...everyday...everyday. Enough.

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Guest Guest_Nancy_*

I have been on medication before, but it has been several years. You probably won't understand this, but I couldn't go to a doctor even if I wanted to. I just can't. I have thought about it. I even got the phone book out and looked up some places to call, but when it comes to actually pushing those little buttons and calling...not happening. I have a friend who offered to go with me and even offered to do the talking to help get started, and I just can't do it. And therapy? The very idea of sitting across from someone makes me want to run and hide, let alone trying to tell someone what is going on. I make me sick to tell you the truth. I know that I should be able to do these things, but I just can't. I don't know how else to explain it other than to say that I just can't do it. It's too much.

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Hi Nancy, sorry you're having such a tough time. Just wanted to say well done for coming here, and that I sympathise with finding it hard to talk: I was the same for many years. This is probably a good place to start, as the anonymity of the boards makes it feel much safer and everyone here is very supportive.

xx

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Guest Guest_Nancy_*

Thank-you for the kind words. Everyone seems so nice. I'm a little stunned to tell you the truth. I keep expecting someone to write and tell me to just get off my ass and stop whining about it. Sounds right even to me, however it doesn't work that way. This has been going on for so long and I am just so tired. Tired of not being able to sleep. Tired of reliving the past over and over again in my head. Tired of feeling worthless and without purpose in this life. Tired of feeling guilty and ashamed. Tired of fighting to make it one more day. And for what? So I can have another one just like it? Enough is enough. To tell you the truth a kind of resignation has settled in the last few days and I fell more calm than I have in a long time. I just don't care anymore. Enough.

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Nancy,

I can understand why it might be too much, though I also know that life doesn't *have* to be this way if you can summon the strength to see a pdoc. Meds might have failed in the past but there are more to try. Therapy is very scary and I understand why you might be put off. Maybe you can post here for a bit and see how you feel about your situation.

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Hi Nancy, your post makes me....concerned for you. I hope you find a way to get some help. I know how it feels to be at the bottom of the barrel and think you will never get out. I have been there many times, but I do always crawl out (somehow). If you can't see a pdoc or a therapist right now, use everything else available to you--talk to your friends, post on here...I do a lot of journaling--I write it to my therapist like I am talking to her and explaining how I feel and what is going on in my head. Also, I educate myself on depression--I read books and read articles online. Everything and anything you can do to help yourself. Right now I happen to be struggling with my depression--although I know I always do get better--it just feels like I am going to be like this forever. I really have to force myself to take the steps I need to get better. Just like this afternoon I am forcing myself to go out in the yard and look at my flowers that have bloomed for the first time this morning. They are bright and yellow and (from the window) look so spring like. I am going to try to make today a better day for myself--even if I have to drag myself along kicking and screaming. There is this little itty bitty piece inside of me that refuses to give up...at times like this I search out that part of myself and try to listen to her. If you are writing here, you must also have a little part of yourself that is like that...search her out. I know, it sounds a little dorky--but it helps me. And by no means am I saying "oh just pull yourself up by your boot straps" or anything like that. I know that is not possble. I am saying look inside for something positive and try to fan the flames and make it grow. Just my thoughts...above all, know that you are not alone.

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Guest Guest_Nancy_*

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I wouldn't even know where to start. All I really know for sure is that I want peace. At whatever cost...I just want peace.

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I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I wouldn't even know where to start. All I really know for sure is that I want peace. At whatever cost...I just want peace.

you sound close to needing to go to the ER.

getting that calm.. that's a sign.

at any cost?

go to the ER before you choose the really expensive option.

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Guest Guest_Nancy_*

It just never ends. I have been battling this depression for almost a year and reliving certain things in my head almost constantly for a long time. At one time I was seeing a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD. Funny thing is that he was basing that diagnosis on one thing. He never knew about the others, but from what I have read he was probably right. I was hospitalized when I was 14 for a suicide attempt and while I was there I witnessed a man's suicide. An older gentleman, a minister, soft spoken and kind. I had earned the right to be able to leave the premises for short times and he and I were taking a walk. At one point he stopped, reached over and touched the side of my face and then stepped into traffic...into a cement mixer truck doing about 50MPH. It's sad. I watched a man take his life and this was the easiest thing for me to tell my therapist about. I have so much going on in my head from past experiences and it just keeps piling on. My mom died a few months ago largely due to my mistakes. Yesterday one of my two best friends called to tell me that she was diagnosed Friday with breast cancer. Her mom and her sister both died of breast cancer. She said the pathology report states that she has cancer in both breasts, in the lymph nodes under one arm and with possible multiple malignancies elsewhere. I know it is horribly selfish on my part, but all I can think about is the fact that I can't watch another person I love die. I can't. I won't. It just never ends.

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I really do think that you need to see a doctor, you seem to be in a very bad place and you really do need intervention by people in real life. That is not to discourage your posting but you do need to seek help.

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Hi Nancy -

Sounds like you have had more than your share of issues that need to be workied out. I can understand the overwhelming reluctance to even START the therapy process, but it will be worth it once you get these things out of your mouth and off your mind. Please feel free to use this board as talk/type therapy. Maybe start a blog or springer to just purge all your thoughts into. I can almost guarantee that you will feel better at least getting the crap out.

I can't imagine what you are going through and what kind of left-over bad ju-ju you have from watching a man kill himself. Please get help. Before you do anything permanant, go to the hospital if need be. Get on some kind of track and let people help you. Just by posting you are saying you want help and relief, relief that will NOT be acheived by ;) offing yourself.

Edited to add - try the social anxiety board. THey may have recomendations on how to motivate to get to a doc.

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Guest Guest_Nancy_*

Thank-you all again for your kind words and suggestions, but I really think this had gone on for too long and that there really isn't any way out. I am just so tired...really tired. I couldn't get my ass out of the chair if the house were on fire kind of tired. I just want to disappear.

And on top of everything else that is going on I miss my mom terribly. She is with me in my dreams when I do manage to fall asleep, but they aren't very pleasant dreams. I wonder if she knows how sorry I am. She and my dad had just celebrated their 50th anniversary when she died. I was with her when she died along with my dad. She was only 68 years old. I stood there and watched him cry and listened to him tell her that he would see her again someday and how he had loved her with all his heart from the very first time he had laid eyes on her. I am largely responsible for my mom's death. She and my dad depended on me to see to her care, and I dropped the ball in the worst possible way. I fucked up and my mom paid for my mistakes with her life. Try living with that one.

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Guest memyselfandi

Nancy,

Even if you can't see a doctor at the moment (which I agree is the best idea,) PLEASE try to get some sleep. The world is an entirely different, less scary place when better rested. Granted, a prescription for Ambien, etc. would require a doctor's prescription, but there are over the counter sleep drugs like Unisom,etc. WHEN USED AS DIRECTED that can help quiet your brain enough to pull in a few hours of sleep. It won't change the outside world, but may give you enough hours of sleep over a few nights to allow you to better cope.

Thank-you all again for your kind words and suggestions, but I really think this had gone on for too long and that there really isn't any way out. I am just so tired...really tired. I couldn't get my ass out of the chair if the house were on fire kind of tired. I just want to disappear.

And on top of everything else that is going on I miss my mom terribly. She is with me in my dreams when I do manage to fall asleep, but they aren't very pleasant dreams. I wonder if she knows how sorry I am. She and my dad had just celebrated their 50th anniversary when she died. I was with her when she died along with my dad. She was only 68 years old. I stood there and watched him cry and listened to him tell her that he would see her again someday and how he had loved her with all his heart from the very first time he had laid eyes on her. I am largely responsible for my mom's death. She and my dad depended on me to see to her care, and I dropped the ball in the worst possible way. I fucked up and my mom paid for my mistakes with her life. Try living with that one.

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Nancy,

Arranging the care of an elderly loved one when you are worried about her yourself is a hard task, and people make mistakes. I suspect that you might even be blaming yourself for something beyond your control. I think talking about this issue with a tdoc would be good, to process the grief and let go of the guilt around it. No one is beyond forgiveness in my mind, you obviously loved her and I am sure that she knew that and is with you still. I am sorry that you have bad dreams and I wish you better ones.

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Guest Guest_Nancy_*

My mom was in a rehab center after a routine knee surgery. I work in the medical field and my folks depended on me to see to Mom's care. I knew the place was bad and had went head to head more than once with them over her care. The staff was untrained and downright negligent. I finally did what I needed to do and found another facility to help her get back on her feet and the night before we were going to make the move they dropped my mom and broke her back. The break was up high where she hit the bed corner and caused massive damage, paralysis from the chest down and then her organs started shutting down from a staph infection around the break...a staph infection she got at the rehab center. If I had just did what I should have done sooner she would still be here today, and there is no forgiveness for that kind of behavior on my part. I knew that place was an accident waiting to happen and I waited. I see her every time I close my eyes and in my dreams she tells me "If you were really sorry...." I know that it's not really her, but it looks like her and it sounds like her. That on top of everything else is proving to be more than I can take. I just can't do it.

I have tried everything I can think of to just get some sleep, but nothing works. I have tried the OTC stuff and none of it even slows my head down. I have tried drinking myself to sleep...doesn't work. I have tried hot baths, cool baths, new sheets, new PJs, soft music and warm milk.(Yuk) I have tried ambien and benadryl, separate and together. Nothing works. I don't know what else to do.

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Guest Guest_Nut_Job_*

My mom was in a rehab center after a routine knee surgery. I work in the medical field and my folks depended on me to see to Mom's care. I knew the place was bad and had went head to head more than once with them over her care. The staff was untrained and downright negligent. I finally did what I needed to do and found another facility to help her get back on her feet and the night before we were going to make the move they dropped my mom and broke her back. The break was up high where she hit the bed corner and caused massive damage, paralysis from the chest down and then her organs started shutting down from a staph infection around the break...a staph infection she got at the rehab center. If I had just did what I should have done sooner she would still be here today, and there is no forgiveness for that kind of behavior on my part. I knew that place was an accident waiting to happen and I waited. I see her every time I close my eyes and in my dreams she tells me "If you were really sorry...." I know that it's not really her, but it looks like her and it sounds like her. That on top of everything else is proving to be more than I can take. I just can't do it.

I have tried everything I can think of to just get some sleep, but nothing works. I have tried the OTC stuff and none of it even slows my head down. I have tried drinking myself to sleep...doesn't work. I have tried hot baths, cool baths, new sheets, new PJs, soft music and warm milk.(Yuk) I have tried ambien and benadryl, separate and together. Nothing works. I don't know what else to do.

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