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me and what it took to get here


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hi everybody. im male, almost 40, and live in austin tx. i've been married for 17 years, have a 17 year old son, 24 year old daughter and 3 yr old granddaughter.

i've been sick off and on my entire life. when i was a little kid, i always had stomach pains. test after test after test and no one had a clue what it was. nervous stomach they said. just something to call it. when i was 21 i had my first knee surgery. my knee just locked up on me with no warning. i did a lot of adventurous things, and was pretty rough on my body. i partied just as hard, and was always chemically adventurous ;) .

in 98 i had a bad car wreck, where i was bounced between 2 18 wheelers, then i went off the freeway and t-boned a guy in a pickup. knocked my out shortly, put my head thru the side window. it was pretty intense :) . after that, i didn't drive for about a year, ptsd kept me freaked out by trucks. i still hate the freeway, and hate driving in general. this really sucks, because i used to be a car guy, i've had over 30 cars, most were sports cars. now, i do not even want to be on the road. at all

i also have something that is deteriorating all the cartilage in my body. all my joints are like my knees (which had 7 surgeries before i gave that up). they all grind and pop and creak and hurt. i also have random pains all over. sometimes it's like im being hit with a brush of hot needles. other times my bones just ache. and i have these painful muscle twitches all over. other times it just hurts for no reason.

i spent a year and a half in a wheel chair because my knees were hurting too bad to walk, and my back was so messed up i could not use a cane or crutches. i haven't worked since 2001. im trying to get disability going, but it's just so damn hard to do much of anything.

and i have hep c.

tonite, my knees are killing me, the top of my foot is all swollen up where i snapped that bone walking down stairs years ago. my neck where it joins the shoulder hurts like the time a nest of yellow jackets stung me there 12 times. it just burns with a hot prickley pain.

i take kadian, & lyrica for pain, with flexaril & percoset for as needed. im up to 180mg kadian, 125 lyrica, and way too many of the percs. it takes 2 of them at a time to even make a dent, and 3 or 4 if i want to feel decent.

the pills really aren't working very well anymore, and the last month has been one of the hardest i've had. every day has been just wake & hurt adn do nothing. im just tired of hurting all the time. dr's have no idea what is causing it. hell, when i tell them everything that hurts, they are overwhelmed and don't even know what to do.

it's like i list what hurts, the spasms, the twitches, the depression, everything else and the dr's are always like 'wow, you need painkillers' and that's about it. here's some opiates. good luck.

god, i so much want someone to tell me wtf is wrong and what can be done about it. i really worry that i have some sort of nerve damage from either all the chemicals i ingested or all the chemicals i worked around w/o proper protection.

im going to a new dr next month that does fibro and stuff like that. im hoping he has some ideas. i also should be starting my hep c treatment in the next few months. i have gen 2, so i only have to do 6 months.

but, im so fucking depressed anyway, and when i get depressed, my wife gets depressed. my role in the family is to be the cheerleader. i always have to get things going, and be mr fucking positive or things go to hell fast. omg im so scared that if i am unable to pull myself up, no one will.

did i mention that we have a history or her screaming at me she wants a divorce if i complain too much about how she treats me. and she has told me all kinds of negative shit over and over and over. but she wants to stay together.

sometimes i feel like the verbal / emotional equiv of a battered husband. rofl at that. she won't admit she has an anger prob. can't even stand for me to suggest it.

and i have 0 places to go. if she decided it was over and i had to leave, i would be on the street. and i would not last long in the shape im in.

so i have ot take whatever comes, and be in constant fear of her dropping the hammer on me.

fuck

i really do love her a lot. i just want to be treated like im wanted.

well.... that's me. told you i was fucking insane. and that doesnt even begin to touch on a quarter of it. but you get the ideas of the crazy and the pain. which seem to be my defining points presently.

--me

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I am sorry that things are so rough for you, I cannot imagine what being in so much pain all the time is like. You don't have to be Mr Positive here, just be yourself and you'll be more than welcome. I hope that we'll hear more from you and that we can support you.

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today my knees are killing me. the cartilege is torn again. it has happened so many times, i know it by now. my right shoulder is the same way, and i broke one of those little bones in the top of my foot years ago. it started hurting again.

so, my knee's and my foot won't hold me up, and my shoulder makes using the cane or crutches impossible... yay, back in the chair to get around. arg

my pills don't really do much of anything. im not really sure what they are going to do when i go back to the pain doc again. they don't wait to raise the kadian anymore.

blah

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Hello. Sorry about your pain. Could a pain clinic help? I hope you can find relief in some way. You may want to start applying for disability soon in case wife does make good on her threats. My hubby has an injury to his hip that causes knee pain also. (Long story, please don't ask.) Anyway, welcome to the board!

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i do see a pain doc. he has me on the kadian & lyrica & percs.

they just don't do alot. and i have filed for disability. im just waiting on my birth certificate to get here, and i have to either buy a new car for my wife so i can use it or get my car fixed next month.

i just hope one day my wife realizes how lucky she is to have the family she had. and she realizes how much i love her, in spite of all that's happened.

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Man, constant pain really sucks. I have both a bad leg and a bum shoulder and a bad stomach...nervous stomach ;)

I have been in a relationship since '88 with my sweetie and we get stuck in abusive ruts too. I don't know if it would help, you might have done this a zillion times already. But a letter and card telling her how much you love her and your feelings and a few flowers, may set her back a minute. and yeah, a lot of guys are in abused home situations, keep chatting at us. sometimes it helps to have an out let for pain and frustration that is your own space. Sounds like you shouldn't have much trouble getting on disability, good luck with that.

You need to have some sense of security. Are you talking with the county or state disability folks? they really helped me.

Glad you're here =) and hope we can lend support and help each other. As I am fond of saying, we are a pretty good group of busy bodies and supportive people

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im not talking to anyone. i can just barly afford my pdoc and meds every month. no money for anyone to talk to. im hoping once i get the disabality i can get more done.

hell, i have had the interferon and ribovirin for almost 8 months now, just no money to go back to the hep dr and get it all started.

sucks balls. sometimes i feel like nothing will ever get better. it will just slowly deteroriate till i cant stand it anymore.

on the plus side, a beautiful little fluffy white kittin showed up on my balcony wanting help today. i fed her, and then took her in ;) . my current cat is a bit crazy (we call her psycho bitch kitty) , but i think she will adjust. besides, this little kitten needed a friend badly. she was hungry cold and it's about to storm all day.

now she is fed and asleep under my desk. when she wakes up she comes over and rubs on me and purrs till she lays down again. i think she is very very happy :) . little does she realize, she now has it made. we love our kitties.

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