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Frustrated and angry over "shadow" alters


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I have a lot of "shadow sisters" from my years of abuse with my ex. I have no idea how many of us there are. I have no idea ;):):cussing: how many rape episodes there were. I have blanked most of that out and can't even get near it with out severe dissocciation . I've been trying to work with my tdocs and use the very excellent book "Amongst Ourselves" by Tracy Alderman and Karen Marshall as a guide book of what is possible. I have wonderful advice from Abifae and others to help me. I am at the point of trying to form a working safe system inside, so that I can have something of a life. we all deserve it. A safe place to go when things get too scary. But We were cult trained well and keep our head down and silent until required to do something. I am learning to meet others eyes, even though every fibre of my body and soul is saying no. The problem is I have a horde of silent sisters, who refuse to come forward and become part of the group. Interaction means pain to them. So they sneak around, come out when I'm weak and dissociating. I find myself in the supplicant kneeling position with no idea how I got there. They act out against my sweetie and sometimes won't let me go to bed until he is asleep. I'm really tired of them yanking the reflexive fear lever and sending me into mental chaos. But if I try to communicate with them and continue with what I've learned in therapy that works, they fade off into a watchful silent mass

I have no choice. I have to be up front a lot of the time. They push and influence., but won't come forward. We need to deal with memories so that we can heal and find peace, but they are not working with me, instead they are going around making every one scared of expressing pain and memories. they are acting behind my back against the good of all of us because they are convinced that it's only a matter of time before the abuse starts again.

I have tried to be patient. I have tried to ignore them. We are getting nowhere fast.

I'm frustrated and bitter about it.

In my troupe I have several, often hysterical and sometimes self abusive and suicidal teen members, who I've been gradually trying to lure into therapy, these emotional counter attacks are confusing all of us. In my logical mind, the silent ones see the therapy as potentially leading to more rape and slavery. The eye contact thing was always a challenge and lead to pain. So my recently being able to make eye contact sends off all kinds of alarms to them. We are long out of that terrible situation and are relatively safe. They have had 18 years to hide. Our life partner is safe and protective. It is time to come out and stop clutching the trauma as a reason to hide. I'm tired of the secretive backstabbing and undermining.

All the rapid switching and sneaky takeovers has left me depressed and exhausted.

I wanted to post this in the forum and not on my blog so that others can maybe benefit from it in some way.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just tired and trying to keep going. Advice as always is appreciated.

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first of all, congrats on making eye contact!!! woohoo!!!

second of all, i know i say this a lot, but give them time. we had a lot of people who stole time and snuck around the outskirts of our awareness and freaking refused to ever out themselves. it made us all SOOOO mad. every time we felt we were making progress, here they'd come and throw us a huge set back. or so it felt, you know how that is :/

it took so long for them to stop. and, it's kinda funny, they never did out themselves, most of them. most of them slowly integrated back into shelly and aisling as time went on and THEY had to deal with all the fear and feelings and now we don't have the problem. although both of them are probably still the most likely to go wiggy on us over stupid shit.

just keep working with them. they'll realize you aren't currently being hurt and that everything you are doing is contradicting their existence and need for existence and they'll be forced to change one way or another. if you think about it, they are there entirely to stop you from doing exactly what you are trying and planning to do. it's going to push against them.

it's so cool watching all the progress you guys are making :) and it's extremely entertaining for me to say "oh gods, i remember that too well. noooo!" but it all passes. you keep getting stronger as a group and that only helps you.

I have tried to be patient. I have tried to ignore them. We are getting nowhere fast.

I'm frustrated and bitter about it.

we tried everything, too. we thought we could maybe some how ban them from the front if they didn't fess up. nope. we thought ignoring them might help. nope. reasoning with them? refusing to let anyone but them be out in therapy? trying to do anything through coersion or force? nope nope nope.

they drove us nuts. i'm soooo glad they integrated with the "fronts" (as in aisling and shelly are the two main front people for work).

okie dokie. wandering off now. maybe back to bed. i already took a three hour nap. woke up to eat. must be bedtime!

;)

abi

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Are they not whole or complete enough to be dealt with like other people in your system? Maybe that's why Abi's shadow people were integrated in to Shelly & Aisling.

Just speculating.

Maybe a quick "I know this upsets you, but I have to do this...and it isn't something someone is doing TO us." then ignoring them (if possible).

Damn Panz. Making me think this late in the day. ;)

(Best of luck with this. I have no experience to share, but I can ramble at you any time. I know how helpful that is :) )

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Thank you two for the support. It means so much to me (HUGS) How do you explain to someone that you are too busy and distracted with the civil war in your head to talk???

Sigh

This will all be funny in a decade from now.... I hope

Tomorrow is tdoc day, so I can dump this in somebody elses lap

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'civil war in the head' good way of describing it.

all i can think of is to keep pointing out situations where you took a risk and DIDN'T end up enslaved and abused. i've heard that for very abused alters, you have to use the broken record technique and just keep repeating over and over whatever it is that they won't believe, and point out examples. maybe they have to keep experiencing safe situations to learn what is safe, and that safe is possible.

it may also help to remember that they are motivated both by fear, and by the belief that they truly are protecting everyone from further pain.

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oh, Panz, i wish i could tell you we resolved that one quickly but the truth is, we never have. it still happens every minute of every day. there are several people here who front for small periods every day who would rather die than identify themselves. we don't bug them anymore for the most part - if anonymity makes them feel safe for now, fine. they have ample opportunity to watch the rest of us do other stuff and be included if they want to fess up.

we've just never felt comfortable with forcing the issue. we could be way wrong about it, but it seems to be for us one of those things that comes slow as molassess... names, identities. ironic, because that's the FIRST thing we all want when we find out we're multiple, no? names! numbers! ranks! order! anything that makes sense!

and it takes forever and a day, and in time maybe you'll find that you personally handle it better that way anyway (i sure do). i can't keep up if a bunch of littles all with different names and ages all come out at once to play, and then are gone again in an hour, and i don't see them again for another month. if i do get any names, i can't remember them again after that long.

oh boy this was not a supportive post. i'm sorry. what attracted me most was your use of "shadow sisters" - we have used that term in dealing with some of our our "darker" system members. because they live in shadows and wait for the opportunity to strike. but they feel as much our own as the familiar, named members do. the family on the other side of the tracks.

i'm so sorry you went through that with your ex. i am wishing eye daggers on him now.

i'm glad you're here still talking Panz. we like you guys ;)

-rita & dictus

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Thanks Reddog, Rita, Dictus ...I know that they are only trying to keep the body and what shreds of soul there are left, safe. I've just spent about ten days with all the symptoms that someone is about to out them selves with no on coming out. Trying to be patient, which isn't my strong suit. At least I get to go rant and terrify my tdocs today

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question: is the root problem their unwillingness to give names/identify themselves/interact with the rest of the group, or is the problem that they act in counterproductive/unhealthy ways for the system, or both?

maybe it would help if we clarified the problem. sometimes, if you do that, a solution will present itself.

yeah, i know, using logic again.....

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we still have people who do it too. it's just that the bulk of them have integrated.

we lose time all over the place still. lol. work is always interesting. everyone thinks we're so organized because we all take notes to pass around to one another at work. no... it's cuz we switch too much ;)

i think it just sort of stopped bothering us and we quit trying to control any of it. eventually. the worse of it has passed because there are simply fewer people doing it.

and, yes, we laugh about the "old days" now *grin*

the last job we had (a year and a half ago) they would just walk out of the building and sit in the car. lol. we don't do well having to answer phones. phones are not safe things.

but it really is TONS better now!!

abi

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Hey Reddog thanks for the ideas. I think that it is that they are somehow stuck with the feeling that it is NEVER going to be safe and they are watching us do things we NEVER woulds have done before and freaking out. I'm afraid that it's going to take the broken record approach * sigh *Things are a bit tippy in side, but I'm holding my own.

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