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They're BAAAAAACK--


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Well to quote the pinned messages above, which we all know are actually from God--

"Thoughts often race as in a manic episode, but the content is often dark and full of pessimism, worry, guilt, and self-hatred. Anxiety is also often a prominent feature of mixed mood states, evidenced by an increase in panic attacks and compulsions. Many persons with bipolar disorder describe mixed episodes as feeling much worse than either mania or depression alone."

I know I must have felt worse than I do right now, but I'll be damned if I can remember when--I am just over all this, and I can't stop saying that, "Its over, its over, its over" I'm so tired and all I can do is pace and experience the depest depression and anxiety I have had in a long time.

Nothing makes any sense, all I have done my whole life is fuck up and cheat and lie to people, and hurt them, and this must be pay-off for that, but why doesn't it just stop? Haven't I paid enough? Why am I such a terrible, despicable person? Who gave me the OK to even keep taking up space on this planet? I can't stop the hurting, I can't stop huriting other people, I can't do anything that is good or right or worthwhile for anyone, let alone myself.

No one is going to hire me for any job because they KNOW who I really am, and what I have really done and they are disgusted by me. I can't keep trying, I am so tired, my head hurts, why does this just keep going on and on?

My soul (if I even have a soul) hurts so bad, and my head won't stop going and going and goin. I keep trying to tell my brain that all this is over, but no one seems to be listening.

I have to go clean up the kitchen--I can't even keep the dishes washed for 2 fucking people. And I have nothing to do all day but lay around, waiting for the phone call from some mythical person who is dying to hire me for some mythical job that will solve all my problems. But my brain knows thats not going to happen--not now, its too late, its over. Make it stop. Please--it has to be over, I can't take much more of this.

china

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Woman, this is also your brain taking a big old crap in your head. all those 'this is pay-off, all i do is cheat and lie' thoughts are the damn mixed mania fucking up your head. they're not true.

now i know you can't bring yourself, right now, to believe they are not true, but can you also try not to believe they ARE true? is there some way you can say 'ok, thoughts, i can't fight you but i'm not going to play your game'? because all this is the brain cooties talking. it's not reality.

you want some proof? go ask Deeb. go ask around the board. the proof's out there. your brain just won't let you listen to it.

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I am back to somewhere near "normal"--so it was one of my drive-by cycles, apparently. Jesus, they can keep driving next time. I still feel useless, and like no body really needs me anymore , job-wise, but hey--gonna dress up and give it a whirl tomorrow.

Now--lets all pray that the evil goddess of mixed states stays in her bottle or whereever during the day tomorrow. All I need is to go screaming, fucking batshit either 1) while driving or 2) while filling out an application.

Thanks for the thoughts--but you know that good sense and logic play no part in a mixed state, especially a quicky (well 2 hours) like I have.

God, I feel stupid when I read my shit--but so eternally grateful to have a place to write my shit, rather than to run screaming out into the street, or to eat a handfull of pills, which definately crossed my mind. If I can type and post, somehow, it takes some of that energy off the brain.

Bless you all--for being here and putting up with me. I feel like I just got home from a very long trip--and not the "fun" kind. Just want to sleep.

Question--how do most people feel after one of these little beauties takes over your brain? I kinda liken it to an after-seizure feeling, tho I have never had a seizure. I know mine are lightning quick, like all my cycling, but still curious what happens when you land, as it were?

love you all--now feeling mushy and emotional--

china

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Is your doctor fully aware of the hell that you are going through lately? I mean, fully aware? Just how much you are cycling and how painful it all is? I feel like if you were able to express it appropriately then maybe something could be done about it or you two could work on a different med plan.

You have been having so many ups and downs lately I am really worried about you. What you are going through isn't acceptable and you shouldn't just take it and deal with it. I do believe that something can be done about it.

You really should meet with your doctor as soon as possible. Try to remember that it is your brain, being all confused by the illness, that tells you all the negative things. That doesn't mean they are true. If it happens again try to come here and read what reddog said or what other people have said to you when you have had a hard time. Or write something to yourself now to read in an emergency.

I know it's hard not to believe all the negative stuff sometimes. Try to counter it any way you can.

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Hi!

[im secretly flattered that reddog mentioned me. ] ;)

china-woman:

reddog is right - its brain cooties. not reality.

china wrote:

Question--how do most people feel after one of these little beauties takes over your brain? I kinda liken it to an after-seizure feeling, tho I have never had a seizure. I know mine are lightning quick, like all my cycling, but still curious what happens when you land, as it were?

I, too have never had a seizure. however, i would describe the "landing" after a cycling state or panic attack as very similar...I become very very tired. but i may not be able to sleep. and a feeling of exhaustion. there is a lot of deep breathing and alternate nostril breathing (i dont remember the yoga term...but if one inhales & exhales in one nostril and then switches - it seems to relax my brain).

Of course, i dont remember any of this stuff during cycling or panic...only afterwards.

sending you much peace,

december

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I never notice my mixed coming and going, they kind of creep up on me. I suppose the next time it happens I might, but I always just thought I was normal "me," and just a not very good person generally, because I couldn't remember any time that I was different than that (I can now), and saw no end to any of it. Although, after seeing december's post, I do remember a period of about two weeks where the majority of activty was just sleeping and being tired, before how I am now. Everything's been a bit of a blur for the past year or so.

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Stasis--thats why the goddess gave us lyric sites to look up on the internet--

Saw my pdoc/medsdoc earlier this week, all was pretty smooth. I DID find out yesterday that an extra Tegretol will help turn off my brain a bit. My biggest problem is that I am allergic/have weird responses to so many meds--opposite reactions, weird ESP kinds of thing (can't take any atypicals) so to find a "menu" that seems to work most of the time is about all I can hope for. This is just not the time in my life to go experimenting with a new "cocktail" he and I both agreed. Too much "situational stress"--

See Tdoc today, so we can start talking about why I feel like a shadow of myself, where did that other person go, and why? I am finally over the horrible guilt and self-hatred that the medication error caused. Time to move on--but to where??

Had 2 interviews today--one to work in a bridal shop )big fun, very little money) and one to do home health care, kinda on call, on my schedule which would work pretty well. Should know something about both by the end of the week. Feel pretty level today, but I could have easily slept all day--all that being crazy tired the hell out of me. Wish I xcould get back into Yoga--but can't even afford the $7 a week--maybe, soon--

Thanks, kiddies, for all your good thoughts--tomorrow is beach day, which I desperately need. Me, an IPod, the beach, and the current book, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance--for the 3rd time--can't ask for more.

love to you all=-

china

P.S. Just found out my darling daughter-in-law, mother of the cutest baby on the planet (sorry, Deeb!!) is also BP and with some ADD. Ah, did she marry into the right family! Loved her then, love her bunches now--

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Just when I tjought it was safe--here comes the drive-by devil again. I have spen the last 3 hours, hysterical, suicidal, pacing, climbing (literally), screaming, trying to write--but can't--brain too fast So tred, so guilty, so mad at myself and the world, so just plain bat-shit.

There is no way, it seem, to stop this--other than eating a handful (literally) of Klonopin. I feel like all the wires inside of me are pulled so tight, its hard to even strighten out my arm. I keep screaming, and screaming, and yelling "why is this happening?" but of course there is never an answer, is there?

No where to go, no way to make this stop, no money, no job, no nothing. I now am asking the powers that be what I possibly could have done that caused me to be in this much shit--I got over the unrealistic guilt about the last job, somewhat, but I still can't understasnd why this is hapening and how to make it stop.

All I wanted was a nice quiet life, a job, a little house, a place to be me and to be with my husband. What happened? Why amI losing all this? Whjy is my life so fucked up? Why does ny soul hurt so bad? Why won't this stop? Its time for it to stop now--time is up. Drive on to the next victim, please--not fair to stop in front of my house and just keep shooting and shooting and shooting--

What is going to happen to me if this doesn't stop?

china

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All I wanted was a nice quiet life, a job, a little house, a place to be me and to be with my husband. What happened? Why amI losing all this? Whjy is my life so fucked up? Why does ny soul hurt so bad? Why won't this stop? Its time for it to stop now--time is up. Drive on to the next victim, please--not fair to stop in front of my house and just keep shooting and shooting and shooting--

Sometimes I think there is a minimum ration of shit appointed to the world on any given day. Some people just get handed an extra dose of the bat shit because the person(s)

it was originally scheduled for couldn't take that shit at all. But it's not so much the "You're suffering so that others don't have to" noble karmic horse hockey, but more on the order of

"Look, lady, I don't care who, but SOMEone's taking delivery of this damned package so I can go home and bonk the missus already!"

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Strangely enough, that makes perfect sense. I am supremely over-medicated, and should and will go to bed.

Thank youforyour time and attention.

It helps to know you're heree, even if you don't answeer. I can feel that you're all here--

china, falling over now.

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