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... and back to mind numbing depression


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i'm with you, Panz.

you know you're fucking down in it when you get a little windfall of money and can't be bothered to go spend any of it. that's me today. the most i will probably accomplish is writing here. fuckitol.

i hope it passes soon for you.

-rita

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I'm just passing out of deep depression, sorry to hear that you're in that place. Remember, all things do pass. Try to take care of yourself.

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  • 3 weeks later...

;):):cussing::wtf:

Here I am again. Tired of living through the depression and endless pain. I am stuck being alive out of guilt. I can't leave my love, Andrew with the mess of a suicide. He doesn't deserve that.

BUT I'M FUCKING SICK OF ALL OF THE SHIT

I'm tired of doubting my reality, my self, my memories, my right to live. i'm sick of depression and being dysfunctional and useless. I'm sick of all the pills, the therapy, my self loathing, my ugly fat body. I'm sick of hearing things, seeing things and having people in my head. I'm sick of flashbacks, anxiety and panic attacks.

I'm sick of my half lived life, my dirty house, my ugly weedy yard, and my social dysfunctionality. I'm sick of having to explain myself to everyone, multiple times. I'm sick of the sick addiction to burning myself and wanting nothing more than to set fire to my flesh.

I'm sick of holding onto what shreds of self I have for dear life all of the fucking time.

I hate the hospital, and the hoo-hoo house and still I want protection from myseklf because I am a coward. They won't be of any real help, they never are.

I hate myself for wanting so bad to die

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Panz, tonight I want to die too. But I won't do it. Not yet anyway. Let's make a pact. We're staying alive whether we like it or not. Damn it was hard to write that. But let's agree... well, you already said you will stay because of Andrew. I need a reason to stay, so my word here will help.

Hope we both sleep well. hahaha. No, reallly. It might be possible.

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Libby, Selene we are all together in this nastiness, I am savagely depressed right now and feel bitterly frustrated by therapy and my many flaws. I am gritting my teeth saying this, but I don't think that any of us should toss in the towel just yet. I will pop out of the depression sooner or later, or I will get to a crisis point and do something rash, but not deadly. Thank both of you for caring and replying. I just don't want life to suck so damned bad.

I hope that we can all find help for our depression and find things in life worth sticking around for. You both have my friendship, for what it's worth and may email me or pm me any time. I will always try to give as much support and comfort as I can.

may we all find peace

Panz

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i'm glad you are deciding to stick around ;) all of you (all of you in panz's system and libby and selene too)

i haven't felt suicidal like that in almost a full year now, and it's rather lovely. i think it's because of nate. before that, my cat was my big reason. she would starve without me!

i hope the depression passes quickly for all you.

abi

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"Often, the test of courage is not to die, but to live."

-- Vittorio Alfieri

I'm trying to take this quote to heart and meditate on it's meaning...I know that may sound half-ASS-tral but it's sometimes how I get through things.

Libby? everyone else ok?

Luv

Panz...who is trying to crawl away from the depression monster

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Hiya Panz,

Glad to hear that you are meditating on that quote. Maybe it will give you strength you now feel you dont have?

Hope you hang in there, though, tough as it may be. Thats what im trying to do.

My boyfriend says I have a distorted view on the preciousness of human life. I suppose its true that I do. Maybe finding a way to focus on that might help. Ill take just about anything nowadays. I used to hang on for my kids, but now that they no longer live me, I dont find that to be as strong. Im trying.

And thats what counts, right? To keep trying?

I guess.

Selene

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I am feeling the same way.... mind numbing depression.... and I'm scraping at the bottom of the barrel with anti-depressants, down to Emsam and the other MAOI's, but doc won't prescribe me Parnate and is insisting that if I up my Seroquel and give Emsam a try, that I should feel better. I am cutting because I am so numb, I just don't see the point of my life any more.

I hope it gets better for us all, good to know I'm not alone right now.

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