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I take my meds every day... like clockwork. I am out trying to find work - not every day, but whenever I can work up the energy to do it. My money is *gone*, and my resources are *dry*. I went out today and applied for food stamps but I don't qualify for anything else because I don't have any children. I'm so down that I don't even know why I bother. Some days, I just want curl into a little ball and just not DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE. Then I'm okay for about an hour or so, sometimes even a day or two, before the depression hits me again.

My meds aren't working, not surprising since they are both for mania and not depression (Topamax and Seroquel). I haven't been able to pay my pdoc, so I can't go see him. I may have mentioned this before, but the city's mental health facilities have a two year waiting list. I can't go to a hospital because I just can't make any money if I'm in the hospital, and the added cost of another hospital bill might send me over the edge. My hands are tied. I guess I'm just relying on my rapid cycling and my meds working enough to keep me out of serious trouble.

Even while writing this, I could feel my mood shift upward - not up, but not staring in the face of "can't take this anymore". It's just a crazy roller coaster ride.

This sucks.

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Shit, I don't know what to say other than that I feel for you. I've just had six weeks of the job hunting game, with the threat of losing the house if I couldn't get work. And that in the middle of probably my longest, deepest depression/mixed episode. It was nearly killing me, dragging my sorry ass to the shower, putting on a suit and a happy, upbeat face and trying to bluff my way through interviews. Getting work's the key, I think - that takes the financial pressure off, and when the worry and stress start to go, so should the depression. Hopefully. Hang in there.

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Trying to find a job for six months after I graduated college nearly ruined my marriage. And that's without all the money problems we were ignoring as we got further and further into debt.

Regardless of what you can do, I'm sure you're doing a very good job doing what you have to do. Call me supersticious, and perhaps it really is, but I believe that lots of things tend to change at the same time. And these last few weeks there have been massive changes to many people I know, and I just got diagnosed BP and on Monday I have a very big day, and just tons seems to be changing. So, keep your eyes open. I took a crappy job that I didn't really want temporarily until I could find better. That was 10 years ago. The job isnt' that bad and It has great benefits and a pension. Sure, I hate it, but I really should count my lucky stars. (They're magically delicious.)

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Sorry to hear things aren't going too well at the moment. I'm on the jobhunt too and watching my money rapidly running out, trying to chase up benefit claims and sometimes just feeling like there is no point, it won't work out and I should just cut my losses. We have to remember that it WILL work out eventually and we just have to do the best we can, which it certainly sounds like you are. Keep going, it will get better. You're only fucked if you give up completely. Good luck with the jobhunting and take care of yourself, remember your health is the most important thing and if you need to go to the hospital to keep yourself safe then do so.

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Here's the thing. I had that freaking job at Dillard's and I threw it the hell away!!! I'm so angry with myself for doing that. My moods are swinging so quickly that I can't keep up with them. I'm switching moods many times a day, and it's not fun. I've been so bad that I've seriously thought of going to the ER, then the very next minute I'm fine, and everything is okay with the world, and then I'm crying myself to sleep that night because I just can't see a way out of my situation. It's fucking unbelievable.

Not only that, but I can't break this "everything is okay" mask of mine. I've just worn it too long. How can I go to the ER and convince them that I'm off my rocker and near to ending it all when I look and act lucid and pretty much "normal"? They're not going to believe me...

I'm in the midst of filling out the application for disability. I don't know if it will do any good, but can't hurt to try again.

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this might not be the thing to say here, but i'm literally crying for you because not only do i feel for your situation, but you remind me of myself not all that long ago.

it is a crazy, crazy world, where you have to have children to get assistance and no one cares about your ability to get work (you need mental health to get work). in short, the world is scary and unmoving.

i wouldn't be alive, or be in my own apartment (struggling, but here) without the support of my best friend, my mother (who herself is disabled), and my grandparents. i've been on public assistance (food stamps), gotten food baskets from churches and charities, and gotten treatment for 2 years at a public clinic. i've gone through more jobs than i can count on both hands.

so now i have SSDI. it took them less than 6 months, probably around 4 months, to come back with that golden letter approving me. wow. sometimes, the wheels of fate do move in our favor. we see nothing for the future, but the future is there.

get those food baskets, apply for what you can, and hope like all hell that you get out of this. you will, the question is when. do you have anyone you can go to? can you do the couch circuit? family to crash with? you may not be able to keep your own place if this continues.

come up wtih emergency plans now, they'll comfort you. talk to the key people you need to talk to and get that plan together. i've faced homelessness and i know how the lack of funding feels. so many of us MI are homeless and no one does anything about it. you can avoid it by pulling yourself together and coming up with that plan. at least you have some meds. start doing, if you don't already, all those non-med things you can do, like exercise and journaling, to help yourself along until you can get better. those are good things to do no matter what anyway, but are free and will help get rid of your stress.

life is a cruel bastard. plans will help get rid of some of the stress.

best of luck

loon

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Is there a crisis center where you live? They would come and evaluate you and they could help you get an appointment faster, suggest a day program or the hospital. Try looking under "mental health" in the phone book. It sucks to feel that bad, nevermind trying to jump through hoops to stay afloat. Stay safe and I hope you can get some help soon!

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Thanks for the support guys. I can't do the couch circuit because I don't have any friends of fam here. I don't have an emergency plan because I don't have any friends or family here. I'm swimming on my own. The best I can do is sink or swim.

I just applied for disability, but who knows how long that will take? I may or may not get some kind of job. That may or may not ruin my chances. I don't know. Whatever brings me money right now, that's what I'll take. I'm desperate. I can't lose my place because that means I'll be sleeping in my car. My niece can go live with her father, but my daughter and I, well, we have nowhere to go really. She might be able to contact her ex boyfriend and live there... other than that, it's looking pretty grim for us. We're treading water.

We don't qualify for food stamps this month because of some glitch in the system. It's all so complicated. That's okay. I'll figure something out.

I can't go in the hospital... my daughter just won't be able to handle things on her own if I'm out of commission. That's all there is to it. I'll have to figure something out.

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