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Hang in there - no one feels like they do enough for their child that I know of! 

Whenever feeling guilty gets too intense for me, I look around at others and discover there's much worse than me out there....a friend of mine does foster care and now has a 12 year old becuase the child's mother wouldn't send her to school or give her medicine.  Those are pretty basic things for any kid!

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Its like im there.... but all I do is take them places that will amuse them. Give them things to amuse them. Let them play with others who amuse them... I wanna have the energy to amuse them myself!

Yes, wow, I can relate to this!!  I have an email loop with four or five other MI moms with "interesting" kids that formed slowly over the years as we built relationships on various parenting boards and IRL.  What you mention here is what we call "farming it out".  Maybe we could also call it "outsourcing", LOL! 

I think it's a very hopeful sign that you RECOGNIZE this lack and want to change it.  I think it makes a good goal for medication management and therapy .... you'll know you're in a good spot when you can actually "be there" with your children.  My pdoc keeps going on and on about mindfulness, being IN the moment.  I'm working on it. 

However ... being totally honest here ... this has been a problem since my first was a tiny baby, whether I was having mood disorder issues or not.  It's just kinda my personality.  As long as a child needs cuddling and talking, I'm the best mom in the world.  But when it comes to playing child games, etc .... my ADD brain just goes to Tahiti.  I can force myself to sit and play with Legos and magnets for a little while; I like to play cards and board games; but the dramatic play they like (and really learn from), I can't stand.  I think I lack imagination  ;)  

So I take comfort in being able to provide them with

#1, each other;

#2, an interesting environment/toys/games/opportunities; and

#3, other people/kids to do this with. 

Except unfortunately I'm not very good at finding them other people to do stuff with because of my social aloofness (and we keep moving).  Right now though we live next to my Mom, so they get at least one day a week of someone who really IS good at playtime.  Whew.  And they're actually really good playmates most of the time now.

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I can really relate to this thread in that sometimes I dont feel like I am there enough for her, as in playing games and reading to her and all of those important things.  Jesus, I'm feeling bad now just writing it.  But what gets me through all this and helps me really connect with my child and forgive myself is letting her sleep in the bed with me.  Yes, I know a ton of people poo-poo this but it really is a bonding time for us. 

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my email is *****.  I understand you completly, last night my daughter who is ten cried on my shoulder becuase she feel like grandmas house is more of a home then our house.  I feel guilty, my temper is short and i am scared shitless,  five months ago i started having siezers, i can't take care of  my four yr old during the day and i feel like the worlds worst mother,  I actually mulled it around in my head that if this continues , maybe my mother should take custody.  he may be four but he is built like his daddy and ways 75 pounds.  MY mom picks him up in the morning and his daddy picks him up after work he does constuction and concrete work so he is late sometimes and with the heat, he isn't in condition to be much help.  i love my son be he has always been a difficult child, and as i sit here and type to you i am  about to cry becuase i do love him, but i am not worth a shit right now and may not be ever again.  I can't drive, can't work, cant go anywhere without another adult.  I do understand you more that you could ever know.  And of course I havne't spoken of this to any one untill now,  i just want what is best for them , and right now i know its not me.

*edit: email address removed for your safety. Please contact snuggs via PM. Erika

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i can relate. i have only recently been able to really get into games and the like with my kids. even when i do, its often half assed and impatiently waiting for the end. i try very hard to be a good mom but i feel like i just dont have the tools for some of it.

since i have found the right med for me it has gotten a bit better.

but i also fully relate the poster who said its partly just a personality thing. its hard to do the stuff we are not really up for- especially when bogged down by so much other stuff. i dont know if im making sense but i think you all might understand what i mean.

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