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I thought about disappearing the other day. Worry not, I have no active plan of suicide.  I don't *think* I'm depressed, at least, I'm not showing any signs of it.  But, the thought occured to me, *seriously* occured to me, that it would be just so much easier if I weren't around.  With all the shit that's been going on, the job, the ex roommate, the sister, the daughter, the lack of friends, the lack of a love life, etc... it just seemed easier if I didn't have to put up with it all.

I know that my life is a cake walk compared to some, and I'm so not trying to whine.  But, I just couldn't face it all for a moment, for a few hours actually.  At best, I was ready to quit my job, sell my car, and just start over again. I wanted to crawl in my bed and sleep for a few weeks.  I wanted to drive to California and say "fuck the world, I'll drive until i break down and then figure it out."  I wanted to take a baseball bat to my car that's falling apart, a knife to my clothes that don't fit anymore, and an axe to my computer at work that's always breaking down.  I wanted to scream at all the people around me, "Can't you see I'm fucking falling apart?"  Why can't they see that?  Are my masks *that* good? 

But, mostly, I just wanted to disappear.  Just *poof*, not there for awhile.  Not forever.  Just not here.  But, since I know the world does not revolve around me, I know the world would not stop for me.  So, onward I go, and the hours passed, and I did none of the things above... though I *really* wanted to. 

I guess I should be glad I'm still here.  I don't know whether to be frightened of this episode or not, or just let it slip into the past and wait and see if it happens again. 

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Hey Pat-

Is there any way you can ask for some time off work? I took some time off at the end of this week because the whole week was turning into crap. I made a trip at the beginning of the week on business and during the whole two days nothing worked right and I felt like a complete failure. I decided to ditch the week and start over again next week.

'Sanity check'

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Patheral, why not do something for yourself, even if it is something small. Get a new haircut(workedwonders for me), take a walk(Iknow that's probably not possible if you are depressed) watch a funny movie, read a book. take a bubble bath, if you don't have a pet and aren't opposed to getting one, ;or you have pets nad aren't opposed to getting one more, that could make you feel happy and distracted. hope you feel better tomorrow. Love, mel

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I couldn't have said it better myself.  I think our brains must have clonked in an ulterior universe. 

I also don't know if I'm depressed or if this is a "normal" feeling.  I wonder if that is how you are reacting to your episode, too.  We get so used to worrying about being manic and depressed that we can't remember what typical strong emotions feel like.  Just check yourself.  Better to be safe than sorry now, right? 

If you are feeling overwhelmed by a bunch of things, small as they may seem, they do add up, and all of a sudden:  AHHHH!

szs is definitely on the right track if you can take a break from work.  If you can't, can you take some time to do something stupendously cool for yourself like, uh, I don't know you, so, get a massage, go swimming in a lake and read poetry under a shady tree, go out dancing with friends, rearrange your lawn furniture, I am making WILD assumptions about your interests!

I honestly think something is in the air, because most everyone is feeling like serious shit.  Let's all ditch our stressfilled, anxiety provoking lives and head for a remote island in the Pacific for us and only us. ;)

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Yeah, can't take time off of work because their policy is *very* strict about time missed from work, and I'm already missing time for tdoc and pdoc appointments. I so wanted to take a "me" day, but I was afraid I wouldn't go back (I've done that before).

I'm also afraid to do things like get a haircut because I'm so sure I'll do something drastic like cut it all off down to like, half and inch, just because... and I know I'll regret it.  Not that I can afford a haircut with the whole three dollars I have in the bank.  Yeah, remember the married guy from my week of hell?  He gave me a lovely infection, so bubble baths are out.  I suppose I could take a walk if it stops raining long enough... though i do like to walk in the rain, though dodging lightning isn't my idea of fun...

I don't know.  I can't think I'm depressed when I get so angry.  Can you be this angry and depressed at the same time?  And I'm not this way *all* of the time.  I know if life were not so shitty right now, I wouldn't be this way *at all*.  I know that if I didn't absolutely love it here, I probably would have cracked. I know that if I didn't have my one good friend, even if he is online, I would have gone over the deep end.  I know that there are good things. I've watched a dozen funny movies - and laughed.  I've read, I've written, I've indulged in a baking frenzy and treated my co workers to homemade cookies.  I'm still pissed as hell, and still felt like quitting, slashing, bashing, disappearing.   

I just wish all the crap would slide away so I can get back to living again.  Is that really too much to ask?  I mean, can't I just go back to living again?  Do I really have to wake up every day and wonder what fresh hell is going to happen today? I know that my life does not suck much compared to some, but my gods, *I* can only take so much at once.  Let it come at me a little at a time, and I can handle it.  Why does it all have to land at once?  Why? 

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I want in on the perpetual island cruise. 

Isn't is weird to not have that discrete feeling of depression, and yet be manifesting depressive symptoms?  I suppose this is why feeling depressed isn't a required criterion to diagnose a state of depression. 

I hope that some of the suggestions listed above will help you feel a little bit less like shit.  Long walks are my cure-all, but nothing is infallible....

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