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HELP! Evil Mommy Alert

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Okay,I have been around my kids 24/7 for 2 and1/2 months now. They even sleep inbed with me and I have no idea how to get them out. My dh sleeps on the couch. I am BPw/MDD, GAD, ADHD, panic attacks. I am on lamictal-300mg, seroquel-almost to300 mg, klonopin-.5 3times a day, cymbalta-20 mg per day.

I seldom get a break from them and I feel resentful and angry towards them. I was doing good with the rage, agitation, and extreme irritability, but in the last week , I have really gone down hill. I got alot more help w/ the kids before I was stable. Today, for the first time in over a month , I had some heavy- duty ;) suicidal thoughts(no plansorintentions)

I feel like crying , I'm exhausted , and Ifeel REALLY guilty because sometimes I feel like I hate my kids. I feel like they need a better mommy who isn't so F'd up. I don't think my dh can handle all that's going on w/ me. My tdoc and pdoc haveput me on a monthlybasis seeing them, because I was doing so good.

What happend? Do I need a med change? It's obvious I need a break, but we don't get much in the way of babysitters and my dh woudl rather play on his &*^#@ x- box than help me. He always sides with thekids and sometimes undermines my authority, which I feel I am gradually losing, along with my mind.

Please, if anyone can offer some advice, Please... Melissa *crying*

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I'm  sorry I don't have all the answers.  I do know where to start.  Love yourself first,above all.  Then go from there.  Get your needs met.  It's not the goal, but a byproduct will be a more centtered wife and mother.  Get your needs met.  You deserve it and itt is needed.


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Get up, tell hubby your going shopping and take off for a couple of hours and leave him with them. Even if they are asleep, go get out of the house for a few, bullshit at the corner store or find a 24 hour walmart, anything. What's he gonna do leave you? Probably not and it sounds like you could use a break.

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My thoughts exactly Mel.  My ex constantly played his video games and left me to do EVERY single thing in the house.  Granted we didn't have children involved.  God, the thought!  I probably would have become the Nightmare Mother from HELL.  But seriously though, tell him, I'm going out, then head to a 24 hour store an even if you don't have the money, just mosey (SP?) along and take your time.  I know that's not the answer for an every day thing.  But at least it'll help for one day.  Even if it's at one in the morning.  I generally do most of my shopping late at night, just to avoid crowds.  And because it's more soothing not to deal with a ton of people and their kids yelling and screaming.  I think, never been told I have this, but I think I have social anxiety.  It doesn't happen often, but when it does, the sound of children screaming, parents yelling at their kids, kids swearing and acting like a bunch of jerks, just makes me want to lash out and tell them to SHUT UP!  So, night time visits to our 24 hour Wally World is what I do.  I always get what's on my list, I never forget things.  I'm never rushed.  I feel so much better.

Now as for what to do any other time, I'd just tell your DH, I need to run to the store, even if you don't have to.  If the kids start making a fuss and want to come along, I dunno, tell them something.  I'm not a parent.  I can't have kids, so I'm pretty bad at giving advice on this subject.  I just know, that if I WERE a parent, I would do my best at trying to get my spouse/boyfriend to help me as much as possible or their would be HELL to pay.  Maybe you should accidenly drop a glass of water on the x-box.  *evil cackle*  I am SO against gamers.  My ex-husband was one.  And my last boyfriend was a 24 hour computer gamer that drove me up the wall! 

Hang in there Mel...maybe go out to the car and put in a Tori CD or tape and just relax for a few.  hee hee



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Thanks everyone- all good ideas, except, I have this nasty depression creeping up on me. For the firsttime in almost 2 months-?- I had suicidal thoughts yesterday. Alotof them. vivid ones. noplans, though. Is my med. not working ? or I am just having a bad spell? My pddoc goes by this theory: "Did you have a bad day? Or many bad days?" I woke up this morning with thatweepy feeling - you know when you feel like crying ,but can't get it out. Kinnd of like when you need to sneeze and your nose is tingling and tickling, and the feeling spreads to your eyes and....andd..... ah...damn-no choo!

I do know I need to talk to my older sister. She is my number one support person, who really understands and always seemsto help.

About the much hated $%#& x-box,I have had some thoughts on this.

1. When dh is at work, get a screwdriver and open it up and take something out that looks important and then put it back together. Make sure to do this when kids are sleeping so they don't think mommy is scary.

2. A little more EXTREME ;) Did anyone ever see that movie - "Office Space"? When the one guy who just got fired got a present from his buddy he worked with: the holy hell fax machine that make each day a living nightmare for him. Well, they go out into an empty field with a sledgehammer and he gets to smash the hated fax machine to infinity and beyond. This is my favorite fantasy. I think it would be most cathartic (SP?) to smash the fucker over and over again, until it is an unrecognizabe mass of microchips, wires, and plastic. Aaaaagghh.

3. I think this is the MOST extreme, and quite possibly one that would have legal implications , is the final thought. Don't worry, I have no plans on attempting this most unpleasant expenditure. It is not practical, and might really help Tom Cruise's case that crazymeds are BAD!! okay - how about shoving the stupid, STUPID x-box someplace whence the sun don't shine? No? Okay, maybe I will just take off somewhere, with no kids, and tell, not ask.

End of the overly detailed x-box rant. Love, Melissa

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If the xbox is like a computer -- i.e., with a magnetic drive, which I think it is -- give the kids some strong magnets, set them down near dreaded xbox, and let them play a game of "Will it stick to this? How 'bout this?" Oops!!!

That does the double duty of killing the xbox AND getting hubby to stop siding with kids.

MWA-HA-HA-HA. (Not a mom, but a first-grade teacher. And as you can see, I really should not be allowed to be around kids.)

:::hugs::: for you, Melissa.


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I am the worst mother in the world. At least that's how I feel. I cana't fucking stand their noises . They are going to drive me insane. Or maybe I am insane. I feel like I am losing it. mel

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Im not kidding.

that said, I dont want to say, do this, do that, but you asked, so...

You HAVE to make some boundaries. WIth your husband AND your kids. You have to carve out some time for yourself and say- This is the way it is going to be. Wether it be going to get a mani-pedi or taking up a  new hobby or sunbathing outside.


Then- Get your kids out of your bed. Like I told you before, you have to create boundaries and you have to create some sacred space for yourself. How do you do that? Just tell them- Mommie needs to sleep alone. Just start- put them to bed in their own beds. It may take awhile to get it working, but just start. Pretend you ahve a 6 month old and need to help them sleep through the night in their crib.

THEN- Talk to your husband. Be nice, but firm and almost treat him like a child. Give him times when he can play and lay down the law.

Tell him you both have to be on teh same page with the kids and he needs to be on your side unless you are being unreasonable- in which case he needs to discuss that with you privately.

Now- I dont have the perfect marriage, but I've been to marriage counseling enough to know what works in my own.

Pls pardon me if I sound brusque. I just wish I could come and save you or make you take up knitting so I can drag you out of the house for knit night...ooooorrrrr, come beat a sense molecule into your husband.

You guys have got to get into therapy togeher, dude.


Much love,


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Energ's right.  (And, as someone whose husband is so not going to counseling with her but has figured some of this out on her own, it's good to get confirmation of the inside tips.)

As long as you're not physically hurting them or yourself, you're far from the worst mother.  But it can be hard not to do that sometimes, and not being able to deal with the sound of them is a red flag, at least for me.

You did call the doctor, didn't you?  You may have built up some Seroquel tolerance.  Also, fwiw, lithium augmentation (subtherapeutic -- blood level .3 - .5) really helps me.

Hang in there,


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Oh Melissa, sweetie, you don't sound so good. How are things going today?

Energ's suggestions make sense. Try to do whichever one(s) feels doable right now. It's hard to take practical advice sometimes, but I think these are some good suggestions.

You really do have to take care of yourself before you're able to care for your family. At the risk of sounding really stupid, I first heard this on Oprah, and she showed a couple of cases where it really did turn things around. I had never thought much about it before, but it does make sense -- if you're worn out and spent, what do you have left to give to others who depend on you? A caregiver has to make sure she is getting what she needs before she can care for others in top form. It doesn't make you a bad mom to look after your own quite reasonable needs -- in fact, it makes you a better mom. (As if I know what I'm talking about.)



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First of all, I saw you posted elsewhere that they are 3 and 5 ... that's a critical piece of info ...  :)   THIS TOO SHALL PASS! 3's are really needy, and yet very determined to assert their independence, and that in itself is sometimes enough to throw off the whole family.  I'm completely convinced that it doesn't matter how good or bad you are as a parent; three year olds are going to be PITA's and they're going to grow out of it without becoming axe murderers!  Just hang in there.

Also, if kids are sensing instability in a marriage and in their parents' mental health, the bottom line is that they're going to be extra clingy and keep pushing to make sure there IS a boundary somewhere; that they have a safe fence against which to throw themselves.  The more depressed and overwhelmed I am, the more I give in ... then I'm resentful and they're left with a hollow victory.  They got what they wanted, but maybe not what they needed.  And they know it, deep down, and it leaves an insecure feeling. So they test it again.  Then the times that I do stand my ground, it's in a very defensive angry punitive way that clearly demonstrates no one is really in control.  It's a bad cycle.  Reevaluate your meds, and do whatever you can to try and carve out some "me" time (easy for us all to say, harder to do when you're in the thick of it.  But please try!)

And ... I have to add.  It's easy to say "make your bed your sacred space" but bedtime may or may not be the place to assert your boundaries.  They may feel extra vulnerable about being alone at night nowadays, especially if daytimes have been full of conflict.  For me, there have been times where cuddling my sensitive girlies at night was the only thing that made me feel I was meeting their needs.  None of us knows your entire situation, and it's possible that they ARE just taking advantage of you and things would be better if you just drew a line in the sand at your bedroom door.  Only you can determine that.  I just wanted to give you some support from the "other side" as it were  ;)

Edited to add:  and I just remembered not too long ago you had a very emotional period that was attributed to PMS.  Is it that time again?  I know I'm waaaay less capable of dealing with daily kiddo bullshit the week and a half before my period.  If this the case, PLEASE talk to your OB/GYN and pdoc about something to handle it.  You deserve to have that newfound hard-won stability to ... uh ... stay stable!  And if it's PMS related, it might not require tweaking your regular meds.

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Wow! Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm gong to tryto answer as many questuins as possible.

1. PMS-last week, I forgot to take 2 bc pills and have had a period that has lasted 8days so far, so hormones may be playing a part.

2. My pdoc is on vacation. Maybe I will give my tdoc a try.

3. I just got an rx for physical therapy-3 times a week, one hour each time, which is totally devoted to me getting massaged 3 diff. ways and little bit of exercise. That is THREE WHOLE HOURS !!! This is going to be suck a luxury for me. I did it before and it so helped.

4. About the bed. By 9:00, my big seroquel dose has kicked in and i could care less if the abominable snowman is in my bed, dammit, I'm going to sleep! I really don't know how to get them out of my bed. That is something I will have to pursue at a later date. MY kids are going to school int the fall-my son is going to kindergarten and my daughter to pre-school. And my dh is going to get a normal day-shift job, because we have figgured out that that is a major problem. He is exhausted from only getting a few hours of sleep almost every week-night. I notice such a huge change in his attitude and mood when he gets enought sleep.

5. I am not going to hit or beat my children. Last night, I had thoughts of just slapping them, but I just crawled under a ablanket and took aan extra klonopin and tried really hard to take deep breaths. I had suicidal thoughs and never offed myself, so don't worry, I'm not going to beat my children.

Can't think of anything else, except AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! Love, Melissa

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Hang in there, baby.

You ARE a good mom. Take it one step at a time.

The only reason I am suggesting that you get your kids out of the bad is because I've heard you complain about it twice now. SO- you are right- if it doesnt bother you- wait for a more stable time.

Deep breaths and klonopin are good things. I did that myself last night.

Thinking of you,


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Hang in there Mel - if you're worrying about your kids, you're still a good mommy.

'me' time is essential - how about making a game of it in the afternoon - quiet time for everyone, each in their own beds but not have to sleep, just play quietly?  That's how I started getting my daughter to respect the closed bedroom door....I set a timer and slowly extended it up to a couple of hours, told my husband 'tag' and he had to handle any kid's questions and I was off limits. 

On the other hand, I can understand dh moods from lack of sleep and he's probably hiding from reality by playing the xbox - happens at my house way too much...be sure to chat with him so he knows what he's doing and you each get time.

Good luck,


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