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Hi,

Well I really lost it about two hours ago. My sister adopted an attitude and questioned me about installing messenger on my bro-in-law's mac, coz he's apparantly protective of his computer. I said I installed it last night and he said it was ok. But I flew right off, packed my bags to go home. Mum is making me stay. And I just lost it and fell on the couch on cried for about half an hour, like howled. I knew this day was coming. Coming off pain killers is like uncovering a whole lot of sadness inside, and you reach a certain point where the dam bursts. So it's happened, and I'll be on the wizzy ride for the next week or so as I go through withdrawals. I've taken time off... about 9 days. I took today off work, and I'll be fucked if I'm going in tomorrow.

The deal with my sister and her husband is that they are staying here at mum and dads to save money to build a house. So there are 5 of us here. So my sis and her husband decide they are going to stay and some friends for the next couple of days to give me some space. I have this strong feeling that they hate my guts, and resent the fact that they have to deal with a family member with a mental illness. My mother tells me I'm wrong, and that it's just the way I feel. The way I'm going I feel like I'm on a crash course into hospital. I've been sliding for a month. Everywhere I go, work or with my friends, or family, I'm lashing out like I'm out of control. I really think people are out to get me, and I go into that state where I'm 100% sure that they are and it doesn't matter what any says I know I'm right. I'm not trusting anyone. I've been finding it really fucking hard getting out of bed, and I've got little energy, no motivation or enthusiasm. I've got guys chasing after me, but I'm like yeah whatever, and there's no sex drive anyway. I'm cancelling all my plans as I have no energy, and I'm scared of people. And yeah what a fucking cliche I've been thinking of topping myself as well. Caught between a rock and a hard place coz I know the pain killers are really fucking with me after being on them for so long, and then the withdrawal is going to fuck with me as well. And it's like everywhere I go there is some sort of trigger. And the fucking guilts that my turn has just driven my sis and bro-in-law out the door. Rah Rah Rah. I've been at this place before and I've done it all over again and it's gonna get messy. I self-medicate and fucking pay for it later. So now I'm thinkin maybe I will be better off in hospital to avoid these triggers. It's like it's only a matter of time with mum and dad. Either that or I lock myself in a room. My apartment sucks at the moment with my housemates boyfriend half living there so there's no way I'm going back there. Can't believe I've done this again. I've had a good thing going for 18 months and now it's turning to shit.

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Sorry to hear you're going through a hard time - You really are going through some serious shit so don't crucify yourself for reacting the way you are. Do you have a professional to talk to about these thoughts? Seems like you know they aren't valid, but you have them anyway. Been there. I hate to be all lame and psycho-babbly and mention positive self-talk, but it couldn't hurt. Your fam (your parents at least) seem very understanding about what you are going through, which is a godsend. Even if your sis and BIL do have some resentful feelings, it's probably about them having to live with your parents while saving money. That's gotta suck. Not as much as things suck for you, but you can't fault people for looking out for themselves. This is all speculations mind you, just my wild guess.

Sucks when you see yourself cycling down and there is nothing you can do about it. Like standing outside your brain and watching it go nuts. Suuuuuuuuuuucks. And no matter what you do to try to prevent it, you KNOW there is nothing you can do but ride it out. Suuuuuuuuuuuucks.

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Hi,

Well I really lost it about two hours ago. My sister adopted an attitude and questioned me about installing messenger on my bro-in-law's mac, coz he's apparantly protective of his computer. I said I installed it last night and he said it was ok. But I flew right off, packed my bags to go home. Mum is making me stay. And I just lost it and fell on the couch on cried for about half an hour, like howled. I knew this day was coming.

I really know how it is to go off like that. My medication (Lamictal) has "rage" as one of the possible side effects...can you believe it? So I'm on of those folks that gets that occasionally. 200mgs over a period of 6 months finally put me in an "aggressive manic state" that was terrible and completely out of control! I've been doing the "coping skills" thing for years and discovered what works for me when I need it, but this Lamictal thing was totally unhandleable..untouchable! I couldn't control myself at all. While riding in the car with my husband who had a bad case of the flu ,I just went off and started pounding on the dash and yelling..."how could you do this to me today? You know I have to see my doc about getting off this med today and I'm nervous about it! Pound pound pound! I really can't take this sympathy act! pound pound pound!" ...so what the @#$% was all that about? Poor guy. He was so sick and I just let him HAVE it. I'm really lucky to have someone who understands. The day before I actually went off on MYSELF. I almost threw all my clothes in the dumpster I was so enraged with myself about nothing. I can't handle this rage bit. It's not me and really scarey. I should have made a recording of myself apologising profusely so I could just play it over and over and not have to go through it verbally so often( only a month ago!)

So now I'm on 150mgs per and feel a bit down I admit. But I'm afraid to go up on it again. That outta control crap is for the birds. Really makes my feel like I'm mentally ill for sure. Even embarrassing of couse. Augh!

Might you be on a med that causes this? Some of us are. No matter. Drug withdrawal is a bitch by itself. Just tapering off of regular meds can be a real pain in the ass. I get edgy from that too. I felt really edgy last night from it ,still after a week. sigh. I'm there with ya.

I had to taper off of a benzo once and that was tough. I feel for you. I really do. Bad break....

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Sorry that things are so shit. Is it at all possible to focus the strength that you have on taking good care of yourself, rather than getting entangled on what everyone else thinks of you. If people say they want to support you, sometimes you have to just let them do that, even though you rub each other up the wrong way and imagine that they hate your guts. I hate living with my parents while I recover, I know they have my back but every time we disagree I imagine my bags will get packed. It's a horrible feeling, and it only gets worse the more attention you pay to it. So maybe try focus on the bare minimum you have to do to get through this time? You can do it, I believe that you can, and I am rooting for you.

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Thanks guys for responding.

It's tuesday morning here.

The seroquel gave me a good sleep.

I called in sick again.

I just looked in the mirror and I have red spots under my eyes, like burst blood capillaries, maybe from crying, so it looks a bit liked I've been in a fight. Weird.

Faroutwest... You have had some pretty full on rage attacks! I don't know if it's lamictal rage or not, maybe it's a part of it, hard to tell. I think it's more the withdrawal that is doing it. It makes sense that I've been tapering off these drugs and I'm starting to flip out.

supergwen: I've just called my shrink and left a message to make an appointment. I want to discuss with her what I want to do and plan something else. My parents are really good at this now, and very supportive.

karuna: I came out here to focus on myself, to relax in the garden, eat good food, switch my phone off, not think about work or friends or anyone else, and come off these drugs. It's really quiet, and my cat is here too. Sis and BIL come back I think tomorrow, so it will be 5 in this house, and it's not a big house. I guess I'll just stay away from them and find out if it's going to work me staying here for awhile. If that doesn't work then I'll have to think of something else. Thanks for rooting for me. I love that term; we call it barracking here.

It's like staying on these drugs is killing my spirit. It has been for the last month. My psych and my drug counsellor have been saying, oh you should taper off them over a 4-5 month period, which is really great, but realistically it's wearing me down just being on them, especially the pain killers. I need to come off them sooner than later, and being an addict over a 4-5 month period I'll probably just say fuck it along the way and just keep taking them. Whereas I want my fucking life back by the time I turn 30 in two months.

Thanks again.

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Ok I'm working this shit out.

I gotta write it down.

I went at saw a doctor who specialises in addictive medicine at a city psych clinic. I went through my whole mental health history from 14 years of age up until now. He was surprised hearing about how much has happened, and more to the point how lucky I have been. Going through that history really shocked myself. I'm lucky to be alive, lucky I haven't killed someone, lucky I don't have convictions, and lucky I'm not up for tens of thousands in damages. So it was a bit of a slap just telling my story.

So why am I taking pain killers and valium? Coz I like taking them. They give me a buzz. They hit the pleasure centres of my brain. They calm me down when I'm too high and irritable, and numb me when I'm down. They are old "friends". I've been taking them off and on for years, but when I do I sometimes take way too much. To the point I've ended up in hospital twice because of it. That's not good. It's a love/hate relationship. More love than hate. I seem to be very forgiving when it comes to both of them, coz I love them a lot.

But they need to get the fuck out of my life.

I'm 29 years old, 30 in two months. I got my shit together when I found the right meds 18 months ago. I was flying up and down like a yo yo for well over a decade. So I kinda got my life straigtened out. I got a job after not being able to work for over 4 years. I made new friends, started studying photography, got into animal rights, started going on dates. Things have been going good. Then after I had my operation on my big fat hemorroid (the one that came about with some too aggressive dildo use) they gave me a really nice opiate that spark my taste in pain killers again. And hanging out with a friend who shared the same love of valium as I we started taking it when we went out drinking. So yeah it was all my choice.

I think for so many years not being stable, stuck at my parents way out in the sticks, and not being able to participate in many areas of life, the only pleasure I was really getting was from pills, porn, food and listening to suicide music. Looking at that now I think that kinda makes sense. It reminds me of that scene in Death Becomes Her when Helen Sharp (goldie hawn) has locked herself in her apartment, watching TV, eating, getting fat, and kicking empty pizza boxes around. I wasn't quite obsessing over someone like Madeline Ashton, but I could see myself in her. Anyhow, that time of my life is gone, but the behaviour is obviously still there. I have plenty of other avenues open to me now in which I can find pleasure, without taking avenues that have dead ends like drugs. It's the time to relegate these old behaviours to the past as I don't need them now. I've moved on in so many other ways, this has to follow. Another reason for falling back on drugs is that I'm afraid of moving forward, particularly with getting closer to men. I'm afraid of intimacy, afraid of having sex, afraid of looking like a fool, and yeah I think I'm not good enough (wow how self help book!) But, it's true. And using porn is just another way to keep myself away from men, so I don't have to face the prospect of REAL SEX with someone. It's easy, you find it on the internet, alone in your room, wack off, and your done. No need to get anxious about performing, whether you are going to be able to keep an erection, or whether taking off your clothes is going to be a turn off. Social anxiety has always been a massive problem for me. I think this is a part of it.

So where to now? I gotta come off these drugs. I'm gonna stay where I am. I'm not as freaked out about it today. My drug counsellor freaked me when he said it was going to take 5 months to come off these drugs. The doctor I saw today thought that was real loony. He thinks give it two or three weeks. I breathe easier now. I'll be fine in a month or so. Just got to stay away from this shit and get on with things and face my fears and enter into my 30s with a new perspective.

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I think you are onto something here...

One thing with addictions...and coming from my own experiences here, is that these things take TIME. And I think it is easy to fall in the trap of all or nothing thinking by putting time constraints on one's self or too rigid of expectations...which in the end sets one up for failure because there is so much pressure.

Remember that it took years to develop this habit and it will take some time to replace it with more healthy coping patterns.

Also, if you eliminate one habit be prepared to replace that space with something else...maybe photography. Something has to take the place of the loss of that old friend.

I'm not saying you can't detox your body from it within 3 weeks. Highly possible......but your MIND will most likely be addicted to it longer than that...and the psychological aspect of addiction is more powerful than the body's cravings (I think anyways).

Keep us posted. Keep typing it out and talking about it. It is good you are using this forum to share with us because we care and we are here to support you.

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I'm not saying you can't detox your body from it within 3 weeks. Highly possible......but your MIND will most likely be addicted to it longer than that...and the psychological aspect of addiction is more powerful than the body's cravings (I think anyways).

Amen to that. Fifteen years out from sobering up and straightening out and my brain still sometimes goes over to the enemy.

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i'm so sorry you're having this crappy problem.

i think you probably have made your brain and condition worse by years of drug abuse. like abusing any drug, abusing medical drugs of course alters your body.

your body because addicted- physically and psychologically dependent on those drugs being there. now suddenly you are stopping. of course you're going to experience all of the side effects of quitting, as well as feel what you were trying to mask in the first place.

i saw my dad (meth dealer) try to get clean and he finally did, and it was a very, very difficult experience. he was clean for 6 months before he died. i'm so proud to say that.

it is highly likely that you are very reactive and emotional because of your preexisting chemical imbalance topped off with drug abuse. it isn't likely that anyone is out to get you. take a softer approach towards yourself and others around you, and you'll be able to appreciate the good around you and not focus nearly as much on the bad.

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well thanks for your replies.

I used to feel really comfortable about airing my issues on nutcase forums like this, but now I'm like oh shit this is a PUBLIC FORUM. Fuck! It's kinda embarassing too, but obviously therapeutic to write stuff out, and great that you can get feedback, so that's what makes it worth it, and I'm with good company I guess too eh.

Loon, real sorry about your dad. It's awesome that he did reach a point that he was clean and stayed that way for six months. Meth would be one of the worst addictions I imagine. I only had it once in LA with this mexican aerobics instructor, and I'm glad I never went any further with it. I hope your dad was proud too for kicking it.

I'm still at my folks. They were away for most of today, so I was mucking around the house. I woke up quite early tossing and turning so much that my cat bit me on the leg! My body was also aching a lot, which wasn't pleasant but is normal in withdrawals. For some distraction today I thought I'd start making video blogs. I made two and they were shit, and the one that I was happy with the battery died half way through. Will have battery power tomorrow, so will make one then.

themind: I got some idea of the addiction process. I was a heavy smoker for 10 years, and I gave up 5 years ago. I still have cravings now, and I probably always will. I'll be getting this shit out of my body soonish. The psychological addiction will take a long time to sort out, and in some way it will always be there. I guess because I've dealt with other addictions and been successful I'm kinda confident in beating this, though each addiction needs to be looked at individually. Fuck, I sound like a knob. But thinking about what you wrote I think getting into video media again is really going to help me, and my parents nodded when I told them that too.

I haven't showered in four days. I'm a bit BOish but as hollow log explained once he/I kinda enjoys it, but anyhow I would expect that I would really smell, but I haven't exerted myself in any massive way. Though I'm expected my body to spit out a whole lot of shit in a week or so detoxing, so I'll probably reek then. And with depression I tend to break out in pimples behind my ears for some strange reason.

My sister and BIL are coming back tomorrow. Loon, I'm trying with this softer approach. It's gonna take a bit of work with this short fuse of mine at present, but yeah it's something I need to take on board and work with.

My fantastic new drug counsellor talked to me about not taking others shit on board, which I do. I get offended and hurt very easily. He told me to take a hint from Ronald Reagan and get some teflon skin. That's the only thing I'll be taking from that creep. He's right, people's shit is their shit, not my shit. People do dumb shit, and it's theirs not mine so I don't need to worry about it. So, it's like whatever they say to me is about them really. I can chose whether to take it on board or not. (this is CBT talk I can tell) Because at the end of the day I don't know about them, but I'm fine! People will try to get a rise out of me for a variety of reasons. One example: I've vegan. I get shit about this where ever I go. If I keep taking vegan insults to heart I'm going to be a very unhappy man. It's my choice whether I want to engage with their bullshit or not, and if it's bullshit I obviously don't want to. I can always just laugh at them!!!

I have got sooooooo many things I want to do with my life. Exciting things. Things that bring more happiness than any sad old pill will do. I got plans in my head right now. One thing, I want to make videos like these chaser dudes I've been posting up in youtubes, and put them on youtube (if you have noticed I have just a tiny youtube obsession, it's keeping my spirits up so much right now, reminds me that life is funny). Though, I'd like to do an animal rights version, and I got some cool people who want to help. I guess I gotta face a lot of my fears that keep bringing me back to old behaviours. I got a chance with the medication I am on to actually do something meaningful with my life. I'm still starting over in a lot of ways, and learning new skillies. I forget I've had years of doing nothing, and with little opportunity to participate in the learning experiences of life. So I'm catching up. So what. I'd do it. I'll have to.

And it's bout fucking time I get my bike out again and go for a ride. All in good time.

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Timmy, while all this is going on you better still be taking care of that new tat.

Tatt is going just fine ms cockers. It's actually about 5 months old, so it's past the scabby phase, itchy phase, plastic looking phase, and looks like ya regular tatt now. For awhile I was putting on paw paw cream. That's some awesome stuff.

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Been thinking about the way I treat customers at the museum. I'm nice and polite to them. When they complain about something I really find it quite funny. I don't take it personally, in fact I actually enjoy it, you know, having a bit of a laugh behind a face of sincerity. I actually encourage my workmates to palm off complaining customers to me!

Well, I think I'll just treat everyone like that. Let people go and do their dumb shit, and say all sorts of shit to me, as they do sometimes, and just have a good laugh. So it means everyone: my family, my friends, workmates, and any other dickheads out there. I'll still treat everyone as nice as I have before, but if they start on me I'm gonna find it funny coz their shit ain't my problem. I've got my own to take care of and I'm too busy to worry about any of that crap.

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Timmy, while all this is going on you better still be taking care of that new tat.

Tatt is going just fine ms cockers. It's actually about 5 months old, so it's past the scabby phase, itchy phase, plastic looking phase, and looks like ya regular tatt now. For awhile I was putting on paw paw cream. That's some awesome stuff.

Oh - I thought it was newer than that. ;) Thought you just got it.

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today is not good.

If I didn't have family and friends I would just finish it.

I've got people coming over. I just don't want to go through this anymore.

I don't know what else to say, but this is where I'm at right now. I thought I should say it.

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hey tim

I'm so relieved to hear that you went to a doctor who didn't feed you more crap about it taking months and months to get clean. I can really understand how that thought would have been dragging you down.

Taking other people's shit on board..... I'm an expert at that too. And I think it was one of the real roots behind my heavy drug abuse - I took more and more and more stuff on and eventually the only way to deal with it was to drug myself into oblivion. I still battle with this. I'm having a very rough time with a friend (rather, ex-friend) right now, and the idea of opening my meds drawer and taking handfuls of whatever I can lay my hands on is VERY tempting. Oh, and I get the crap about my diet too. "why don't you eat meat/fish/eggs/milk/you're getting no protein blah blah blah, a little bit of chicken won't hurt you" <scream>

Anyway, I'm sorry today has been shitty. I'm keeping you in my thoughts all the way over here in South Africa. And - I know you can't see this yourself right now, but file it away somewhere in your head - you're a funny, kind, intelligent, outrageous, caring, wonderful person. And I'm not just making that up. I hope you can hang in there.

xxx

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OK, Timmy. Who's gonna laugh at my lame jokes if you go away?

Seriously, though - I remember getting clean. Basically, it sucked. Big donkey ones. No one in my family knew I was going through it 'cause no one was paying attention.

Gam zeh ya'avor. Really.

But in the meantime, you should say it. You should rent billboards and scream it to the world from rooftops if you feel like it.

I got one of those kids blow up punching thingies and punched the hell out of it. Went through several of them. Pissed #1 son off because he thought they should be his. It's rather embarrassing to admit that I made him leave the kids punching thingie and let me beat the crap out of it.

I'm such a horrible mother. *sigh* I did, however, take him to the ice cream place and we pigged out together. :)

You know what's really depressing? Realizing that was like 15 years ago. Sheesh. I'm an old lady here! ;)

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You guys are being really lovely to me. It's nice to hear people who care.

I did have a terrible day again today. It's ups and downs all in one day. I'm trying to keep people around me as it take my mind off how I feel inside, which is a really bad place at present. I've just been crying a lot. It's the end of a cycle. It's like someone has just died. I've been planning my funeral and all sorts of teenage things. I'm obsessed with dying, though I can't do it. People are texting and calling, though I'm not answering the phone, and emailing showing their support and how can I turn my back on them?

I did have sex with the Italian guy the other night, and it was horrible. I wasn't very attracted to him in the end, more like repulsed, but I just wanted to have sex really badly, and kissing him at some points I started dry retching, but I kept going just to have sex, and I did, and I felt to horrible afterwards. Of course I would, but I wasn't really aware of what I was doing until afterwards, looking for a drug replacement.

I feel really fucked up. I'm supposed to work the next five days. I don't know how I'm going to do it. They'll understand if I can't, I think. I think I should try, as I might be good if I go. If I'm wondering around on the edge of tears all day or thinking of killing people, then I'd prefer not to be there.

it's awful what I write on here at the moment. I prefer trying to cheer people up on here instead.

But I guess with your stories, it helps to hear I'm not the only one who has been through withdrawal.

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You're a honey, and you do cheer people up, but it's certainly not a requirement... you're going through a very rough time, and you're allowed to write it all down in as much detail as you need to. <mia's stamp of approval on all forms of ranting>

I wish I had something brilliant to say, but I'm afraid I don't- other than that what you're feeling and thinking isn't abnormal in the slightest. Your body's adjusting to the loss of something it depended on, and the psychological dependency can't be ignored either.

Today this is all a matter of "do as I say, not as I do" - since it's 3:30pm and I'm about to go to bed for the rest of the day. Whatever works, right?

M

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