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telling people things and then ..


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i kind of don't know how to figure this out. i mean, i have a hard time pinning down even how much this has happened in my life. and it feels kind of complicated too.

the other day someone told me i had said something to them

it's triggery and i'm not even going to give the context for it.

but like, when they told me i had said it, i was .. incredulous.

what????? i said that??? no way.

no way would i have said that.

maybe they just misunderstood me. i mean, that's possible, right? maybe that's just what they HEARD i said.

maybe.

other times it's happened though, so i duno.

i wonder why i'm saying things and then completely forgetting that i ever said them.

i have never felt like i lose time. i think probably i don't.

but i also don't know how to deal wtih this, or how to understand it.

is it that these things that i'm saying are .. not really me? i mean, in the sense that maybe i'm saying something for the benefit of someone else and since i don't really believe it, it just leaves my head?

or that this things are so tough (like the triggery topic above) where my mind blocks them out?

or what?

i feel like i don't know how to make sense of this.

i can be pretty distracted sometimes. someone can say something to me and seconds later i've realized i didn't actually hear them. sometimes more than once i have to ask them to repeat it. i certainly also come across posts that are either completely unfamiliar to me or only vaguely. like i was worlds away when i had actually written it.

yeah i duno what to make of it. so i'm posting about it.

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are you forgetting whole conversations or just certain things?

sometimes when things are bad i get holes in my memory. like going to the pharmacy only to discover i picked up my meds already and i can't for the life of me remember doing so.

my doctor said it gets worse with stress and fear. of course it's really scary and stressful to not remember doing things...

is it maybe something like this?

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;)

'you once told me you had instigated much of the

sexual activity

that happened with your cousin'

:)

um.

i did?

is that enough context?

i don't remember saying that. i can't think of anything i said that could have been misconstrued as that.

i can ask the person more about that conversation, but beyond that,

yeah i duno.

i'm not sure whether i have a good memory of conversations. like, that i had the conversation in the first place.

stress, i guess, could be that the time i said something was stressful and so it's kind of blocked, or that at the time i'm trying to remember it's blocked.

both those possibilities seem reasonable.

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uh, maybe you *didn't* say that & the other person is either full of it, full of wishful thinking, full of unwillingness to face up to a painful reality?

c'mon, 'you once' said? that's not too damn much to go on.

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I make impulsive offhand comments a lot that I probobly don't always remember. The less thought I put into what I'm saying the less likely I am to remember saying it.

Think about it. How many things did you say yesterday? How many of them can you remeber? I don't think anyone rember everything they said in the past.

If it's not true, don't automatically assume that you said it and don't remember. It's just as likely that the other person either misheard, misremembered, misunderstood, or is just making shit up.

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i can't imagine you saying that.

i can't either.

your comments are helpful. i think maybe it was misunderstood.

i do seem to take at face value what other people say i said or am or have done. as if they wouldn't move the truth, so to speak. and that if they did, it wouldn't be because they wanted to hurt me.

why is part of me so naive..

sigh.

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memory is being shown to be pretty subjective and very subject to revision. it could very well be that they truly believe you said something you didn't.

ie, that they revised their memory because all people do that, it's a natural thing and has nothing to do with wanting to hurt you or deliberately moving the truth. just that hey, their memory is faulty. look at all that research into memory and eyewitness testimony and implanted memories.

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