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what did i do?

or what is it about me that is so repulsive

to poeople here?

i can take it. i can take loads of hurt.

i know how.

so dont spare my feelings.

just lay it on.

im ready.

i just want to know the truth.

please.

it's probably hard to believe that the good things are the truth

but maybe those things are just as true

or more true

i'm not even sure that anyone *here* finds you repulsive.

(i mean, not people who are interlopers here. i mean the people who frequent this forum and not happen upon some of our posts through view new posts and not realize there's a difference between 'technology sucks' and 'autistic spectrum' and 'dissociative disorders' forums. i mean not literally that they're the same, but just that they don't necessarily pay attention to what forum the post is in)

i think it would be good that if anyone did feel like they didn't like you but were too afraid to say anything, that maybe they would say it, but only because being honest is usually a good thing and i think at base this is what you want -- the honesty of other people. knowing you can trust that what other people say is true.

but what if no one says they find you annoying or repulsive or _____? will you call us all liars?

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thank you for writing lysergia and pj.

lysergia we are having some problems and trying to

decipher whether or not they are coming from the past

or from the present.

will you call us all liars?

pj i can't believe out of all people YOU would ask that of ME.

of course i wouldn't call you liars.

that hurts.

i came to find out the truth cause

we're hurting and we need the truth.

we need to know where we stand.

we always do.

that's all.

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I never find you repulsive or bad. I like you and think of you as fellow kin. You are a wonderful special person and I am sorry that you are feeling that you must be repulsive.

I have times where I can't tell if something is from the past or from now...or whether it was a dream or did it really happen. I get scared and can't post sometimes.

I hope that you know that I and we will never find you repulsive and that we want to be friends that you can come to and post about what the problems are or just to talk. A lot of time life just hurts and we don't always know why.

Panz and all of her wild sisters from the inside send you hugs and understanding

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ok i came back to this because

pj never ever says things to us like that

and she's always been so good to us

so there must be a good good reason

with good intentions.

there has to be.

sorry peej.

i think this morning

was getting ..

scared.

scared that you would call us liars if we said nice things about you.

i would never say bad things about you.

don't want to hurt you.

maybe said it the wrong way, like

hm. maybe if it was more like, 'i really want to tell you that i really like you but i'm afraid you'll reject that because it sounds like what you're looking for is for people to tell you how bad you are'

or something like that?

i'm sorry.

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I never find you repulsive or bad. I like you and think of you as fellow kin. You are a wonderful special person and I am sorry that you are feeling that you must be repulsive.

I have times where I can't tell if something is from the past or from now...or whether it was a dream or did it really happen. I get scared and can't post sometimes.

I hope that you know that I and we will never find you repulsive and that we want to be friends that you can come to and post about what the problems are or just to talk. A lot of time life just hurts and we don't always know why.

Panz and all of her wild sisters from the inside send you hugs and understanding

really panz? thank you. this means so much.

we send hugs and understanding back.

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i think this morning

was getting ..

scared.

scared that you would call us liars if we said nice things about you.

i would never say bad things about you.

hi peej sorry you were feeling scared this morning.

would never call you a liar.

and i know you would never say anything bad about us.

it is hard for us to trust, but i trust you.

don't want to hurt you.

maybe said it the wrong way, like

hm. maybe if it was more like, 'i really want to tell you that i really like you but i'm afraid you'll reject that because it sounds like what you're looking for is for people to tell you how bad you are'

noooo. i don't think we were looking for that.

but yes some have and do and i know you know that. so in that respect i can see

why you might think that.

but we been talking about this very stuff in therapy recently

so i been noticing patterns, here, there, with t.

so i been trying real hard to investigate inside

to find answers so that maybe there can be less hurt all round.

i dunno. mostly just grasping at straws as usual.

so no sorries okie doke?

xo

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that said it very well Peej. sometimes i feel like someone is just waiting to seize on an excuse, any excuse, to say "See? they realy don't like you, i am right, no one likes you' and well, i don't like being manipulated into doing things, so i really want to yell at that person 'that's not true and quit putting words in my mouth' but then i remember it all comes ultimately from some asshole abuser & it's not me & it's not really them, it's the abuse.

i really don't like it when people try to tell me what my feelings are, so i kind of have a problem with whoever is believing that we don't like you. i mean, i know it's just a viewpoint & it's just an opinion and it's because of abuse, but it's kind of a trigger for me.

so actually, this is good practice for me to learn how to deal with someone hitting my buttons when i KNOW they aren't really attacking me.

uh, did i jsut make that all about me and not you? i guess i'm trying to say it is good learning for me.

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arggggh! don't quit asking....i'm not getting badness from your posts.

now, if you are getting hurt, then by all means, don't ask so you don't get hurt. but for the rest of us, it's just part of life, getting confused nad saying things in a confusing way, that's just part of being human, everyone does it. so you are not upsetting us, but i am sorry if my post upset you.

see? i'm getting my thoughts all tangled up...everyone does. but no everyone admits it. i admit it though.

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i'm just not going to ask anything anymore.

i don't seem to knwo how to express what i mean very well.

and i just keep getting hurt.

so to everyone, i'm sorry if you got badness out of my posts.

that was not my intention.

i know it wasn't your intention.

i have a lot of trouble expressing what i mean a lot;

and someone today said something to me about that

that communication isn't just up to the person saying something to make it understandable, it's also up to the person listening to try and understand.

and if we don't understand each other,

it's not either of our faults entirely, it is just something we have to work together at.

does this make sense?

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