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I have been cutting again, several times this week, for the first time in months. You would think I would feel bad, but I don't. I just want to do it again. I went to town on my stomach with a knife and then a pair of scissors, then cut 3 X's with circles around them on my abdomen, over my uterus and ovaries. I hate them so much, wish I could carve them out. If I wasn't a woman, certain things wouldn't have happened to me and I wouldn't be the worthless failure that I am today. Pdoc is upping Seroquel and starting me on Emsam, (scraping the bottom of the barrel on AD's,) and meanwhile, I just want to cut, cut, cut. Don't know for sure why I'm posting this, just because I do want to do it again, yet I don't. I really don't. This is no way to live. You know? Well, thanks for listening. Just numb to life.

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toxic angel,

i cant offer any great advice. but as a fellow cutter i can empathise with you.

i noticed how you set you cut around your uterous and ovaries. my favourite place to cut has always been the upper inner thighs the opening to my vagina. according to my docs this is a sign of a lot of issues to do with my sexuality.

you obviously seem in a similar position to me. all i can do is beg that you continue seeing your doc and get therapy for the underlying issues

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First up, are the cuts clean and fairly shallow, or are they deep enough to require medical attention? That needs to be your first priority.

Secondly, (and this is only an interpretation of what you wrote, so forgive me if I am way off) it seems that your self harm is fuelled by a sense of shame, and anger, that is turned inward on yourself, and your womanhood in particular, and you hinted that you thought your being a woman and having a woman's body was the source of your problems. I don't know exactly what your situation is, but I have been sexually abused and assaulted, and had a miscarriage. I often used to punish my body for what I felt it had brought upon me. I felt it had attracted unwanted attention, and betrayed me. It has taken a lot of therapy to see that actually, the guilt for abuse lies with the abuser, the perpetrators would have abused me anyway, no matter what my body looked like. Similarly miscarriages are often very random events with no trigger. I have gradually come to see that the blame did not lie with my body, my body is not this 'other' alien thing encasing me, it is a part of my being, and it deserves the compassion from me that others have not shown me.

I am NOT telling you simply not to self harm and change your perspective. But maybe you could find a therapist to explore some of your issues with? Maybe it would help to counter some of the self harm with some kind things toward your body, wearing body lotion, eating well, going for a walk, dressing in clothes that flatter it and show of bits you like (if you have any) taking a multivitamin. little stuff like that. Maybe you could get hold of photo of your body before it 'let you down', as a baby if need be, and think about how it was back then, and see what emotions come up.

We have some pinned ideas about alternatives to self harm, indexed by the emotion or urge behind it. They could also be useful. You are NOT a worthless failure, you're a very precious human being with a lot to offer the world. The events in our lives effect us and shape us, but we always remain beautiful, worthwhile people, throughout it all. I hope that you have people in your life to reaffirm that to you and remind you frequently.

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