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The past couple of weeks have been hell. No energy, no appetite. I've barely left the house. I hang up on people calling me. Sleeping is the only escape, except when I have nightmares. Thank God for Valium and cigarettes.

Went to my psychiatrist yesterday. We had a long talk and I was (for once) honest with my suicidal thoughts and plans. They decided to lock me up. Great.

I get to talk to another doctor:

- Why don't you talk walks in the forest?

- Uhm...

- Is it more fun to go to the mall and look at cell phones?

- No.

- Do you have a boyfriend?

- No.

- Have you had one?

- Yes.

- Why don't you have one now? Are you not interested in boys? It's good with a partner that you can share joy and pain with.

At that point I wanted to kill him, but wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible, I just looked into the wall and forced myself to smile.

Five minutes later a doctor student comes and asks me AGAIN which meds I take.

I go to my room, cry a bit, have a few cigarettes. They come with the meds, and try to give me 800 mg Lamictal. I tried explaining that I'm supposed to take 200 mg at night. After a long discussion and talks with several doctors they agree.

Then I have to sit in the smoking room and watch the personell sitting and laughing and eating fucking CAKE in the office.

Then nightmares all night, then smiling and lying like hell to the doctor (who says "you can't have BOTH bipolar and ADHD") next morning so I finally got out.

At home. I'm not suicidal right now. I'm not sure how long I can deal with this crap though. I am SO sick of meds. I've tried so many and the only one that worked reasonably was Geodon, which I had to stop cause my prolactin levels were about eight times higher than the normal level. My main doctor briefly mentioned ECT as an alternative, but we didn't go into any details.

I'm so sick of it all. I'm turning 20 soon, which means it's been like this for half of my life.

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I'M SO SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beer seems to be doing so much more than lithium (without giving me zits too!)

Oh well, I ate yesterday. And today. Big improvement.

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Just dropping in to say I can relate.....

I started having major depressive episodes when I was 9. I'm 26 now. And often times, when in the thick of the abyss, I contemplate how a majority of my life I've been depressed...and then I start to think that is how life will always be.

And I'm not going to lie and say you'll never be depressed again...

BUT, times do get better. There are periods of normalcy and for those I am grateful. When I'm feeling okay with existence I look back on my periods of depression and wonder what I was thinking...how I got to that pit of despair. It really just depends on which side one is on at the moment.

I like to believe that with depression comes a gift.

The gift of knowing pain on such an intimate level, yet living through it so that you can help relate to others when they are in the hole. And depression gives me the gift of truly enjoying the good times when I feel alive.

HUGS.

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Eating is always good. One of those basic things that you should remember to do daily.

Sorry you're having a tough go. I feel the need to tell you to be careful with the beer. Depressant and all. Also with the lithium you are probably doing a number on your liver. You're still taking the lithium right?

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Hi, Dweii

My gp did that to me - well almost. I tried to talk to him about my addiction problem & he sent me to the hospital. Someone at his office told the hospital that I was suicidal. I had to wait in the hallway of the emergency room for a shrink to come & evaluate me. Of course, I convinced him that I was not suicidal - I was trying to get some help.

I know being locked up totally sucks - been there

Hoping things will get better for you

Don't forget to eat - that is one of the good things.

hugs

wakko

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I'm sorry you ended up getting locked up. And that the doctor treated you so awful (what the fuck about walks in the forest? really?). My doctor used to dick me around, but i got rid of him, which I guess isn't really an option of yours when you're in a facility.

I hope you feel better soon ;)

Also, I think it's amusing that all the related topics start with fuck, considering what you called them. ^^;

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I like to believe that with depression comes a gift.

The gift of knowing pain on such an intimate level, yet living through it so that you can help relate to others when they are in the hole. And depression gives me the gift of truly enjoying the good times when I feel alive.

I'd like to believe that, and I try.

Eating is always good. One of those basic things that you should remember to do daily.

Sorry you're having a tough go. I feel the need to tell you to be careful with the beer. Depressant and all. Also with the lithium you are probably doing a number on your liver. You're still taking the lithium right?

Too bad it's so hard. Grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes... Then feeling sick after eating. But I'm trying my best. I make myself have at least one meal every day. Ok, sometimes that meal is two sandwiches, but yeah...

Still taking lithium religiously.

I know my liver will hate me in a couple of years, but hey, I'm a teenager for a couple more months so I have the right to say fuck it for just a bit longer... Heh.

---

I forced myself to go to school yesterday. And I've been forcing myself to see some friends, even though I still pass up on most opportunities to party (probably a good thing).

Starting to drink coffee again really helped and hasn't made my anxiety worse. Ritalin would probably help more.

I don't want to jinx it but MAYBE things are getting better... sloooowly. Peppar peppar.

It's weird, my last suicide attempt was last april, and now I got suicidally depressed this april.

The scary thing is... what if it doesn't get better? I feel like I've tried most meds. Therapy is just... not for me. ECT seems scary, but I would do it if I was out of options.

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The scary thing is... what if it doesn't get better? I feel like I've tried most meds. Therapy is just... not for me. ECT seems scary, but I would do it if I was out of options.

You have to take into consideration the hormonal/adolescence thing. Unfortunate because you have a while to go before they level out I think, but I believe it to be true. THings could change for you in the early 20's, when a good deal of people start to show signs of depression, but that doesn't mean yours will get worse. As I understand it, ECT has been a godsend for some people. Definitely don't rule it out if you are really suffering.

It's good that you are trying to make yourself be social. I usually would rather sit on my couch, but when I make myself get out I end up feel better afterwards. Do what you can.

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