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FUCKING HELL

sometimes words just deserve to burn a fiery death and then get tossed over a cliff.

i don't know what this is, not being able to say anything.

so i'll sit in the dark in silence.

sometimes i just want to be alone, but then i can't bear it.

i hate being angry, but then i just want to explode in rage.

so many things exist all at once.

i can feel contortions. i can feel tears.

i'm afraid to grow up.

is it inevitable that this fear will always keep me twisted up?

i don't want to be weak and needy anymore,

but i don't want the other extreme either.

i can't shake myself lose.

i want to let go and just love myself.

but that feels impossible right now.

feeling good seems wrong. euphoria is dangerous and expensive.

most of what i've known is pain and pathetic self-absorption.

;) there isn't even any point to saying that i want to cut it off. cut myself out of this body,

make the world free of my shit. from the needy disgusting nothingness.

fill me. please fill me..

:)

it's painful to bear. but what choice do i have.

i'm tired of oscillating.

fucking hell.

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meds only do so much hey.

you've got the choice to stay, and I hope you do.

at least til I come over and visit you... no I'm kidding! You are just too important for the world to lose.

i can feel contortions. i can feel tears.

i'm afraid to grow up.

is it inevitable that this fear will always keep me twisted up?

i don't want to be weak and needy anymore,

but i don't want the other extreme either.

I can certainly relate to that. We are about the same age aren't we? It's "supposed" to be a time for growing up. And the social norm of this career, job, husband/wife, mortgage, car, picket fence. Some of those things are great, but the overall picture of what it means to be happy is really disingenuous. Like that wife to the paedophile husband in Happiness by Todd Solondz, with the cheery music and cookies in the oven.

Sorry, I'm digressing.

Our extremes hurt like our head and body is not able to handle the gifts we have been given. We explode inside with greatness and then implode with disaster again and again, and it's just who we are, and coming to terms with that is fucking hard sometimes when shit is staring at you in the face for days or weeks or months or years on end. But, each time I find I know it's going to come to and end sometime, and there will be the hugest sense of relief. Do you get that as well?

I'm not sure I'm saying the right thing, but you are just awesome and it sucks to see you unhappy.

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Our extremes hurt like our head and body is not able to handle the gifts we have been given. We explode inside with greatness and then implode with disaster again and again, and it's just who we are, and coming to terms with that is fucking hard sometimes when shit is staring at you in the face for days or weeks or months or years on end. But, each time I find I know it's going to come to and end sometime, and there will be the hugest sense of relief. Do you get that as well?

I'm not sure I'm saying the right thing, but you are just awesome and it sucks to see you unhappy.

yeah, you just turned thirty, right? i did in march.

i think i managed a lot of years by being blissfully naive to the gifts, and the implosions were a silent whimper muffled by the clothing in a dark corner of the closet.

i think i increasingly realize how damn afraid i am of life. my body can't contain my heart, and my mind can't contain the grotesque need i have to somehow find the poison of my past and suck it out.

i'm not sure anymore whether dwelling in the real pain is non-productive; i'm not sure how long i can sustain the turn outward into the world without completely losing the sense that i have a self.

i don't know where i am.

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feeling good seems wrong. euphoria is dangerous and expensive.

most of what i've known is pain and pathetic self-absorption.

I can totally relate. I've spent most of my adult life and a good portion of my childhood in some state of messedupness. I don't really know how to be anything else.

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i think i increasingly realize how damn afraid i am of life. my body can't contain my heart. . .

I completely relate to that, PJ. I've been thinking lately how much stuff in my life boils down to fear... to that fact that I'm just plain afraid of things. Which is funny, because I act and feel a lot of time like I'm not afraid of anything.

I hope you find a safe space and the words to keep expressing yourself. A lot of time when you do write you say things a lot of people can relate to. It's hard to say anything, though, sometimes. I think I go through periods like that.

Wishing you well.

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my body can't contain my heart, and my mind can't contain the grotesque need i have to somehow find the poison of my past and suck it out.

i feel like that a lot.

we spent fifteen years digging into the past and i feel it's high time we started to live. we try, but the lingering effects of the poison... sometimes i don't know that we'll ever ... i don't know. be well, i guess.

abi

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my body can't contain my heart, and my mind can't contain the grotesque need i have to somehow find the poison of my past and suck it out.

i feel like that a lot.

we spent fifteen years digging into the past and i feel it's high time we started to live. we try, but the lingering effects of the poison... sometimes i don't know that we'll ever ... i don't know. be well, i guess.

abi

i don't know what kind of 'well' well is anymore. i think maybe there is a different kind of well, one that maybe isn't so hard to come by, that maybe no one else can see but it's still there if we can feel it.

it's hard to sort out what feels unwell because other people are assholes, and what feels unwell because i really am upset/displeased/harmed/disempowered by it.

i don't know if that made any sense.

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I'm not trying to be depressive, but for a lot of us I don't thing "Well" is even in our psychological vocabulary. I think functioning or stable is more what I'm aiming for. sometimes I feel like by head will explode with all of the stuff we've been through. I can't imagine that "WE" will ever be well in the sense of over it all and being normal. . I can relate with all of my being to this post. I'm being a moron and not thinking well lately so I feel like I basically just said nothing,. *shrug*

I am trying for a sense of well being and self acceptance, but I have a long way to go still, if ever. Some days I just feel blissfully numb and un-harmed.Like psychological novacained or something. I like that best of all my states of being right now

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This thread made me think of one of my favorite Nirvana songs.

Nirvana - Dumb

I'm not like them

But I can pretend

The sun is gone

But I have a light

The day is done

But I'm having fun

I think I'm dumb

Or maybe just happy

Think I'm just happy (x3)

My heart is broke

But I have some glue

Help me inhale

And mend it with you

We'll float around

And hang out on clouds

Then we'll come down

And have a hangover

Have a hangover (x3)

Skin the sun

Fall asleep

Wish away

The soul is cheap

Lesson learned

Wish me luck

Soothing burns

Wake me up

I'm not like them

But I can pretend

The sun is gone

But I have a light

The day is done

But I'm having fun

I think I'm dumb

Maybe just happy

Think I'm just happy

I think im dumb (x17)

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I don't know what to say... except that life IS scary. And I know the feeling of being scared of feel good when you're used to everything being...horrible.

Sometimes I wonder what I would be without depression. Would that still be me? I know I've been feeling pretty damn good the last year, and it wasn't as scary as I thought.

Feeling empty is one of the worst feelings. Maybe even worse than being depressed?

I'm sorry, I wish I had a better vocabulary to express what I'm trying to say. Sometimes the foreign languages part in my brain shuts down.

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I really am having a hard time with the ups and downs right now.

intense love i guess can do that. it's like.. none of the negativity and insecurity and avoidant behaviour goes away, there's just more added that feels good and right and self-affirming at the same time as it reminds me of how fucked everything is.

i don't want to have a pity party, though it's comforting that people can relate as well as it's somehow scary that people can relate because then all this fuckedness is actually not a figment of my imagination. it's palpable. it's shared. it's i suppose certifiable in some way.

i just don't want to see myself as sick anymore. i do want to be stable. i do want to have some semblance of a life lived with .. i duno. i don't even know what normal or right or stable really is. i know what it's like to feel full and present and grounded and self-possessed (like i have a self), but sometimes i just don't think that this is actually real. i think it's mania or something. like, it's actually delusional. that i'm way more fucked than i even think because it's not real -- the self, that is.

my bf is here and i feel like my cats are abandoning me because i'm somehow abandoning them, but i'm really not, and he loves cats so it's not like they're sensing some kind of .. shutting out. i also feel like i'm supposed to be happier than i am, with him up here. but i guess i can't stop being me really. not that i'd want to stop being me. i've done that before -- been someone else for someone else. it fucking sucks.

i'm not really a liar

i'm not really unsure

i have dreams that take me

i have dreams that make me

and if i let you stare too long

and if i let you glare too long

i will begin to exist

and that's too much to bear

it's too much to bear.

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oh intense love.

You are right what you say. Swaying between those extremes can make me so giddy, and sick, and anxious, and in the end I just want to smash my head against a wall. Intense love has many times induced an incredibly feeling of loneliness, and mourning. I mourn the loss of a boyfriend even before we have broken up. And that's usually the point I lose my sense of self and just wander in life only half there.

I hope I'm not always like this. I haven't had a relationship in 4 years or so. And I would love to find a boyfriend, who understands.

I don't like the pity party thing either. I don't like getting comfortable with sympathy, because it keeps you static. But, sharing decreases the alienation, which is I'd say is one of the most important thing about crazyboards, so keep doing it sistah!

Hope it's going well with bf. Glad to hear you can't stop being you.

Tim

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Oh, Peej... I wrote the fricken book on intense love. It's the only way I can feel it, really. Too bad I don't have any answers. Just commiseration.

I also get really crazy ideas about my cats. I definitely project guilt over my own actions onto them feeling bad about things that they probably don't even notice. So I'm telling you that I'm sure your cats are fine and love you and aren't abandoning you.

I hope today is going better.

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when i'm around other people,

like last night at a party

i feel all..

(ok maybe part of it was the mj)

like i'm boring

like i don't know how to engage and connect with people

like i am the originator of an awful lot of awkwardness

and it's like i overcompensate for that

which makes me ..

like a doormat.

doing things -- too many things -- for other people

like the only way i exist is to say yes to everything.

when i really want to yell 'fuck OFF!'

i have talked many times to my therapist about letting myself be a bitch.

i want to be a bitch.

maybe cns can help me be a bitch.

i want to bitch slap someone majorly.

it shouldn't be my mom, even though i probably want to bitch slap her most of all.

after all, it's mothers day.

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Peej,

I went on two great dates this week, then proceeded to spend the next 36 hours in a state of utter insecurity, reliving various ex boyfriend shit that I really should be over. I managed not to cut. I have no idea what I will do if this goes further. I feel you on feeling dysfunctional. I just wish you could see how compassionate and funny and intelligent you are, and how much you must contribute. You have permission to be a bitch. Go forth and bitchslap!

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I just wish you could see how compassionate and funny and intelligent you are, and how much you must contribute. You have permission to be a bitch. Go forth and bitchslap!

thanks. really helps to hear that.

as much as i want to be a bitch, i am scared of doing so, and so i feel even more pathetic.

damn twisting.

at least i still have hope that someday i will have the courage to really look at my deficiencies and work through them and become a better person. or at least feel i am a better person.

i also would love to stop taking my medication because i used to be brilliant and i am getting dumb and dumber and dumbest.

see this film if you ever get a chance. it quite describes both how I used to feel (Luke Wilson in the future) and how I feel now (Dax Shepard - except the lawyer bit. i'm never going to be a lawyer).

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