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need to rant and get help

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i cant cope.

my doc keeps saying "you have bipolar" then its "you have boarderline" most days its you have both.

some asshole keeps ringing on the phone, do they not get it! i dont want to talk to anyone anymore, i dont want to be sick and i dont want to keep living like this if we are really being honest.

on saturday i open up the paper to see a massive two page article on my friend who was murdered and all it said was "hey we still dont know who killed him" i was crying the minute i saw it.

then the next i hear that a guy i grew up with, who told me two months ago he always had a crush on me and i had to turn him down cause i have a boyfriend, even though if i was single i would of been with him for sure. he got really drunk and went swimming now is in a coma and it doesnt look good. FUCK this.

i take my stupid pills everyday and yes they give me relieve but it doesnt go away!

i have NO friends, not one, my family are sick of me i truly am a burden to them. its only my boyfriend and i am to sick to burden this all on him.

i hate it. i dont even know what to do i am going to go to the docs on wednesday with the article about my friend, and tell him about my friend in a coma, and yell at him that i am NOT ok with any of this i can barely survive "normal" life i cant handle these extra stresses.

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My pdoc can't decide which of those two I have, and it is frustrating. I don't think a label matters, what matters is what you are going through, and how to make it better.

Bear in mind that you are going through a really stressful time right now, and anyone, regardless of MI issues, would be freaking out by now. So you're doing really well to cope as much as you do. Don't expect perfection of yourself, you'd be abnormal if you were sailing through life with a smile on your face being a resident of happyland, with two friends who have been takne ill or died.

Can you pinpoint what is causing the most trouble right now (mood swings, nightmares, mania, depression, cutting etc etc) and then go to the pdoc about that? I think being clear about what is happening willl help your pdoc make a good decision on how to support you. From what you have said of your pdoc is very faithful in trying to help and I am sure this time will be no different.

You can always pm me to vent, it's not the same as having real life friend's shoulders to cry on but I am willing to be there for you.

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i'm just to the point where i have bottled everything up since i came out of hospital a year and 4 motnhs ago and now i am ready to burst at the seams.

i feel i am constantly supporting the people around me. listening to their troubles. all the while everything is building up for me and i just want to scream it all out in a fit of rage and just let it take me away, surcome to it, give in, stop fighting it. allow myself to cry, to hurt, to bleed

i cant keep holding it together on my own.

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