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Hi, its me again and I think I'm having another major depressive episode. This would be the second one this year alone. My mom is in the hospital and she almost died. Almost every year she has a near death experience and that was the second such one this year. Earlier she had severe bronchitis and it makes it worse for her because she has lung problems. This year started off crappy as well. All the cars broke down costing thousands of dollars. The dishwasher broke costing another $700. That ain't all people! I developed 8 different personalities most of them this year and a few last year. This is adding to my depression. Some of the personalities are embarrassing like the 5 year old kid one, the alien and bird. I freeze in one position constantly. Our family invests in Intel stock which 7 years ago was $140 a share and now its less than $22. That is all our financial situation is based on. I can't even cry if I wanted to. I have been trying but I just fail. That is what I am, a complete failure as a person. I don't have a job, or go to school because of my many conditions. To make things worse, I feel responsible for many world disasters including the tsunami, plane crashes, murders, earthquakes and more! I am also responsible for the high gas prices because I have dreams about it. The most recent one was gas hitting $4 a gallon. In my area there is a station charging $3.44 a gallon!! Because of my powers of causing everything the government is after me and put many devices in my room! Even though my room is my favorite place to be because of the computer and my model planes, I still don't feel completely safe in it because of the mind reading device. They know my every thought. They are also controlling the personalities! I lost interest in things that I used to love. I just don't feel like doing anything. There is nothing to be thankful for. So far this is the worst year in a long time for me and my family. I think we are going to lose everything we own because of the financial situation and live on the streets and die slowly and painfully. By the way my mom is in a lot of pain. If this continues much longer, I will commit suicide. I have nothing going for me. If you want to know I do take my pills and they were helping but now with all this crap going on they stopped working. I feel tired all day long and want to sleep. I just don't want to waste the entire day away though. So, what do I do? Do I go to the hospital? Do I just kill myself? I haven't cut in a long time but with all this going on, I feel like self injuring again. Too much stress!!!!

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Firebird,

I read your post and you have a lot going on right now, and it does sound very distressing for anyone to go through. You have a lot of insight and you have recognized that you are starting to be depressed again and identified what is causing it, and that is a really positive thing, to feel good about. I think that it is great that you are taking your meds, but I agree that with things being so stressful, perhaps you need extra support. I think that if you feel in danger of hurting yourself then you do need to go to the hospital, so that the right people can help you. I know that when you are worried about people following you, trusting medical professionals can be hard, but I do believe that if you go hospital, they will take good care of you. I think it would be good to let your family know that you are going to the hospital too, so they can take you there, and sit with you while you are assessed and be involved in sorting out what happens next. I know that you feel responsible for a lot of things right now, but I promise that these things that are happening are not your fault. I am confident that if you can seek the help that you need, life will get better and you will come through this. This is a dark time, but you will know lightness again. Please don't put off going to the hospital.

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Hi Firebird

I'm going through deep bad bouts of depression too. I understand just not wanting to go on anymore. ;) I self injure too and am DID, so I understand. I have a bunch of little kids that do really embarrassing things to me which makes it worse. But most of the things that you feel bad about and responsible for are not your fault, even though it feels like they are. The world is full of ruthless, rotten people and you can't take the blame for them and what they do. Depression makes you think way different then you normally would think, it seems like you can never beat it, but you can make it better. I'm asking because you are a fellow person on earth with problems like me that you don't kill yourself. 1. you are not useless, you are just a person going through a lot of problems and mi. Not a bad person. 2. Commiting suicide is an awful and painful thing to do to your family. 3. I've been exactly where you are and was lucky enough to have a neighbor take me to the hospital before I did anything too bad to myself. You really need to be looked over by a doctor and a good psych evaluation. You may need a meds adjustment because you are going through so much stress with your family. Please don't listen to the depression,it is a big fat liar. Get someone to take you to the hospital. Do you have a tdoc? are you in counseling? It would help to have someone who is not your family to discuss your concerns and feelings with.

Anyway, please get help for yourself. You deserve help and to feel better. ok?

You can do it . You ARE worth it.

Please take care

Panz

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Thanks for replying. Yes I do see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I can't see the psychiatrist until the 15th of this month and I have an EMDR appointment this Thursday. I pray that works with the multiple personalities. But I need to talk to her about my depression as well. Right now I see nothing but darkness with no light.

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I can't see my pdoc till the 10th of May, so I feel your pain, but have you rung and told your pdoc how bad stuff is? Because sometimes they can make exceptions.

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Just be sure to tell all this to your psychiatrist. If your meds worked before you will be able to get them working again, whether by raising the doses or switching to different but similar meds. Good luck I hope things start to look up for you ;)

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Things are even worse now. After spending 2 days at home, she was rushed back to the hospital. If anything happens I will kill myself. Its hard to breathe because of all the stress. I can't go on much longer. This is the third time that she almost died. Her pain level is over a 10 which is the highest that scale goes. You know the ones the doctors ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst? Yeah, that one. I need help to get through this rough time for me. I dont think the anti- biotic is working. She had a 105 fever a week ago, a bad shoulder infection, and a bladder infection. She had to have an emergency surgery to get the infection out of her shoulder. Now her hip is hurting like crazy and her fever is back. She might have a new infection. One body can't take so much punishment. Eventually the body dies because it can't take all of this stuff that is going on. Like I said in the post, she goes through a near death experience almost every year when she is literally one day away from death. She is not healing properly from the surgeries. A month ago she had the surgery on the hip but as of now it doesn't look like that surgery went well either.

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Things are even worse now. After spending 2 days at home, she was rushed back to the hospital. If anything happens I will kill myself. Its hard to breathe because of all the stress. I can't go on much longer. This is the third time that she almost died. Her pain level is over a 10 which is the highest that scale goes. You know the ones the doctors ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst? Yeah, that one. I need help to get through this rough time for me. I dont think the anti- biotic is working. She had a 105 fever a week ago, a bad shoulder infection, and a bladder infection. She had to have an emergency surgery to get the infection out of her shoulder. Now her hip is hurting like crazy and her fever is back. She might have a new infection. One body can't take so much punishment. Eventually the body dies because it can't take all of this stuff that is going on. Like I said in the post, she goes through a near death experience almost every year when she is literally one day away from death. She is not healing properly from the surgeries. A month ago she had the surgery on the hip but as of now it doesn't look like that surgery went well either.

I'm real sorry about that. Good luck. I hope everything turns out OK.

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;) I feel like I totally f***ked up my life. My meds didn't work made me worse. Feel very veery down and in a black mood. Husband thinks its because of him which its not, tried to tell him that its just my stupid brain but i don't think he believes me. at this point i really dont care if i wake up anymore. maybe i'll pretend that im a bimbo with no thoughts and everything is OK. :) took a shower with him a minute ago and cut myself after he left.

waiting for 2p so i can call my pdoc and try another med before i disappear. not that i care at this point. sigh.

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Well the only GOOD thing that I see in all of this is the fact that you can pinpoint reasons for your depression. It's about double the difficulty [ sometimes ] when a major episode hits with no triggers whatsoever. Just realize that things do have the potential to get better [ with your mother, and also financially ]. Keep us updated.

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Hi Firebird,

I totally understand your thoughts on your mom's health conditions. my dad isnt doing so great either...and its like sometimes he's ok and then other times we should really be making him go to the hospital...but he refuses.

i know you probably want "to be there" for your mom. do what you can for her and dont forget yourself.

let us know what is happening,

love,

december

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Firebird,

I am sorry that your Mum is suffering so much, I hope that you can get the support that you need to be with her.

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I'm really hoping that you can believe me when i tell you I have been where you are at and things can get better. I get psychotic depressions too where I think that the police are after me, my phone is bugged, the neighbors are following me, people are talking about me, that I am a horrible person who deserves not to live.........on and on. There are too many to count. Including ones about events in the newspaper happening because of me.

Also, I have gone thru having my sister be close to death so many times. Well she did die and was brought back from the worst, not once, but numerous times. She had been in severe pain beyond number 10 and more. She has had infections too. Her troubles are not over, but she does get some time being well and now is not always in so much pain. People can be very sick and still live on and get better. Some people have more than nine lives. Honest.

Have you ever seen a little kid become very sick and then when given tylenol for a fever the child starts jumping all over the bed and you ask yourself if this is some kind of joke. One moment the kid is so sick and the next like nothing is wrong. Maybe it won't be so dramtic of a change with your mother, but people do come around and bounce back.

You can get thru this. The best thing to do at points like this is to go directly to emerge and say that you want to die cause things are that bad and explain that you think you are the cause of the evils going on in the world. You will get taken care of when you communicate that this what life is like for you. If you go for help you won't have to worry about food for a week or two. That's one less thing to worry about in the short term.

I take it you have seen the pdoc by now and are in the hands of a caring professional.

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