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i didn't know where to post this, i guess depression works because thats how I feel.

Everything is going great. I got my SSDI, Medicaid and Medicare after a 3 year fight. I love making electronic music and I have a studio now most artists would only dream about. I have a reliable car. I have great parents. i have an adorable daughter. I have a great girlfriend. I have a good cadre of friends.

;) triggers ahead :)

So with all of these good things going, why do I feel so shitty? Evey day i think of killing myself. I take my pills and think, what if I just swallowed the bottle? I play with razors and think about how deep I would need to cut. I'm sseing and hearing things. I have vivid flashes of the most horrible imagery. I have a hard time seeing the good in anything. i live in severe chronic persistent physical pain. I feel so sick all if the time and I'm just sick of life in general. Theres more going on, but it's 3 AM. Bottom line is I WANT TO DIE. I'm beginning to not care how.

There is no wiggle room in my meds. Been on just about all of them with a bad history of no results and severe side effects. If I went to the hospital they would fuck with my meds and that would be very bad. I can't keep going the way i am, though. i have a tdoc, but my attitude is more like whatever when it comes to her.

I am sick and tired of just going through the motions. As the saying goes, "get busy living or get busy dying". Well, i don't feel like I'm living anymore.

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I am having the same problem. I should be happy as a fucking lark, great kids, a loving supportive husband, great home (albeit messy as hell), and I am finally *starting* to get back into the studio and being slightly creative. And yeah, ;) I cut, and imagine making the ultimate one that kills me. Guess what. That earned me a dx of BPD. I'm sorry, I didn't even look at your sig, don't know if you're there or not. I have some good days, but other days that I feel like I'm sinking.

Sorry, no words of wisdom or anything, just saying that I understand completely.

Edit: Oh, okay, I just re-read at your post and saw the dx. I think it goes with the territory. I start DBT this morning, my pdoc says it could do me a lot of good, at least he hopes.

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I would recommend some kind of med change, especially since you are hearing and seeing things and are fantasizing about killing yourself, but you say there is no wiggle room in the med department. I would still try. See your pdoc and tell him exactly what is going on and see what he says.

Do you tell your tdoc what is going on? These are things that need to be dealt with before something permanant happens.

Sorry you're going through a hard time. I still believe something can be done about it.

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