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today has been one of the worst possible days i could have. well, i could think of WORSE that could happen, but this was pretty close.

i've been gearing up for dad's anniversary, his death day, the day i found him on the floor with his crazy med bottles everywhere. this time of year always flips me out and gives me ideas and ideations. i just want to be with my dad and have ideations. i get very suicidal. i had to flush all my excess meds (my stockpile) and stay with family all day to make sure i was safe. i hope i'm still safe now that i'm home alone again.

and then there's my wellbutrin. i'm fresh out. they have no samples at the clinic i go to. bridges to access (gsk's patient assistance program) won't fill my emergency script wtihout my pdoc or advocate's form or something, and they're both on vacation for the next 2 weeks. that means they won't fill my WB for 2 weeks. already, i've been thrown into rapid cycling (and i'm sure the ideaations aren't any better) because i haven't had my wellbutrin.

then there is the financial aspect. i know i need to ask my grents for money, but i HATE doing it and know i'm going to gt a lecture when i do (as if i could possibly misspend the 770 i get from SSDI monthly), so my bills are going unpaid. my car insurance is lapsing tomorrow and i can't pay anything. i have $30 in my bank account and i need that to eat. lucky for me i have gas in the car. my grents are there for me, i'm just the one wtihout the guts to ask. that makes me feel like a loser and even worse, because i can't support myself and because i know they're goingto lecture me.

i'm feeling so suicidal. the hospital is right across the street if i need to go there. i haven't because i'm waiting to hear on a job i applied for (stupid part time thing that will bring in some extra money). it isn't worth my life and i'll go across the street if i can't control it anymore, but so far i'm still in control.

i just can't believe that even though i have a valid script that was just written today by another pdoc in that practice that i can't get my free WB because of some stupid form. fuck them.

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I know that it's going to be really hard for you to do-- but the sooner you reach out to those who can help you, the better off you and they are going to be. I'm SURE that they would rather you ask them for help now than get so far gone that you have to go to the hospital for help and deal with all of that. And this isn't the main concern, I know, but the aftermath of not getting your medications will cost you (or them, or both) a lot more money than one or two prescriptions and I'm sure the 'asking for money' lecture isn't nearly as bad as the 'why didn't you ask for money sooner?' lecture. They love you and want the best for you, I'm sure--open with "this is really hard for me to ask, and I'm in a really fragile spot right now, but.." or something. I haven't been here too long and don't know how they are or what the history with them is, but hearing a lecture that you've heard before will probably be a lot lot lot easier in the long run than continuing to go it on your own right now.

goodluck loon, keep yourself safe, okay?

meg

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yes, true, i know they'd rather me be safe, especially fter what my dad did.

good idea about some openings- those will help a lot. i'll go over there tomorrow (was already over today and chickened out) and do the asking. i just have to know how much i need.

i also have to pay for my 6-month follow-up for my LEEP surgery this month. my appointment will probably be expensive. the hospital has programs for people unable to pay, so maybe i'll get my healthcare free or cheap. the "medicaid" i get is ridiculous and costs more than the bills themselves.

my question- how do they expect me to spend my entire SSDI check, or more, on my healthcare when i can't work and have no private insurance? i'm not eligible for medicare for about a year and a half. lovely, huh?

in the meantime, i know i need my meds and need to either track down my advocate for a signature on some forms, or hit up my grents for some money. either way, i can't ignore this, or it will bite me big time. it already is.

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Loon--I'm sorry I didn't see your post earlier--I know what a hard time you have always had with your father's death. You have been so supportive for me, and I hope you know I support you as well. You are a strong, intellegent woman who happpens to be batshit--but you'll make it, Iknow you will, because you reach out to people. Isolation is so awful and so deadly for follks like us.

I care and I know you will take care of yourself--

love, china

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