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My therapist said I should be in the hospital, but the thought absolutely terrifies me (I'm agoraphobic, have severe SA, and am just overall afraid of being in a situation where other people have so much control over me). But, anyway, I'm going through a particularly rough period, just feeling extremely agitated and vulnerable, and I need to know that things will get better. Therapist has canceled our last two appointments, which makes no sense to me...she said I needed more help than she could offer. That makes me think she's trying to give me the brush off. I wish she'd just say she no longer wants me for a client if that's the case. I just want to know that maybe I'll be better someday. I'm eccentric, I don't relate well to people, I get into these moods where I'm extremely irritable and apparently I come across as a brusque and nasty person, but I don't realize it at the time. I just want to explain everything...tell people that I'm mentally unstable and really, underneath it all I'm nice, I'm a good person. If only I weren't so crazy..but all they see is the crazy, and it's offputting. It hurts so much that I can't control my behavior sometimes...because I don't know how bad it is. It scares me that I can't see it. My mood will shift and then it all becomes apparent to me, and I'm horrified. I keep my interaction with others superficial, I limit it as much as I can, even if it means appearing to be rude and disinterested. I'm afraid of saying something odd, or stupid...and I am so airheaded these days that it isn't a fear so much as a genuine worry. I hate looking stupid. I'm so afraid of rejection that I keep myself isolated from others...and the depression takes over and ensures that I never get close to people because I'm simultaneously afraid of them and not able to find them interesting. I feel like I've been cursed. I never have anything interesting to contribute to conversation anyway because my mind is so dull and foggy. I'm negative. I can be very sarcastic and cynical, I have a hard time finding positive things to say. The negativity just pours out of me without my permission. Again, I'm always horrified at the things that come out of my mouth...or my fingers when I type...because I just don't realize these things at the time. It's spontaneous. It's so much easier to just not say anything, not have anything to do with anyone. I've never been good at social interaction, but it's just gotten worse over the years. It's so easy for most people, it's like they know the secret signal that gives them access to the club, but nobody ever taught it to me. I blunder my way through...I'm so awkward and manage to rub people the wrong way and I never know why, except when I'm very depressed, like now, because the irritability infuses everything I say with a harshness that wouldn't ordinarily be there. I feel like such an outcast. I am so irresponsible and so helpless, it's disgusting. I disgust myself. I've been manipulative...I can get very nasty and will subconsciously find ways to subtly put people down I don't like, or am angry with. It's horrible. I don't do that often, but when I do, I don't even realize I'm doing it, until my mood shifts again and I see things differently. What's really sad is that I'm good at it. It makes me feel evil. I want to stop doing evil things. I want to stop feeling like my head is a prison. I want to stop feeling like a chameleon, undergoing these mood alterations that make it impossible to see my behavior realistically. I want to stop feeling crazy. I want people to understand...why can I never make anyone understand what it is that I'm really feeling, what's really going on in my head? I fail miserably all the time, at everything. And I would understand completely if you thought I was a hopeless freak, too.

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o sweetie...i could have written your entire post!

especially the part about appearing airheaded and just staying in seclusion..

i dont know what to say except that i KNOW

sometimes as i am out in the world....(which is rare) i often wonder just HOW MANY PEOPLE around me at any given time feel JUST LIKE ME

i wish we had some kind of signage so that we could just gravitate together and offer comfort.

hugs to you!

suzie

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Ella,

First of all *hugs* because you sound like you're very scared and alone, and that is not a nice place to be. I can see how your tdoc cancelling your appointments would trigger off a lot of this. I do think that if they recommend that you go to hospital, that you go. It is terrifying, but you have to take care of yourself. It is going to do you far more good than staying home and ruminating on your flaws. Social skills can be learned, mood can be stabilized, fears can be faced, but it starts with little choices to do the thing that will help you.

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My therapist said I should be in the hospital, but the thought absolutely terrifies me (I'm agoraphobic, have severe SA, and am just overall afraid of being in a situation where other people have so much control over me).

I can relate to your whole post, but this especially. I hate hospitals and just any kind of institutional kind of setting where other people are in control. That said, if it comes down to going to the hospital or hurting yourself, go to the hospital.

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i've had my share of hospitalizations and they've all been beneficial, positive experiences. i've never seen one fellow patient who did not improve, and that would be hundreds of fellow patients. it is a quiet place to heal, get your meds stabilized, stabilize your moods, and learn more about your disorder and how to manage it in your daily life. i always learn a lot in the hospital.

don't be afraid of the hospital. my first hospitalization was long overdue because i was afraid to go. i was in the middle of an SI rampage, and finally my (ex) husband convinced me to admit myself. i was there for a couple of weeks and while it is rough having a schedule and having your every action monitored, it feels safe too.

i really suggest doing it. you'll thank me if you take me up on it. i don't know how many thank you letters i've written to hospital staff after i was released and had my head on straight. trust me, it will help you improve.

loon

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I second Karuna, even if you seem prickly and sarcastic *Hugs* because you are not that different from me. I'm glad that you're here and telling us about you, so that we can help and be supportive and know what you are up against. People have always made me uncomfortable and I am perfectly awful with social interaction. I feel like a have a big sign painted on me that says weird person. I seem to make people feel awkward and say stupid things. They just pop out of my mouth. I really do sympathize.

I will be blunt and say that I loathe hospitals, but if you are just not making it on your own, you should look into what kind of inpatient or at least day patient care is available in your area.

Be kind to yourself

And be welcome

Panz

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I called the therapist's office today and asked if I should be concerned about the cancellations; the receptionist said I shouldn't take it at all personally, therapist has been having problems recovering from a severe sinus infection. I could almost buy it except I was never offered an explanation when they cancelled the appointments, and this has been over the course of a month. She has been working, just not steadily, and conveniently isn't there when I'm scheduled for an appt. Am I being paranoid? The receptionist was very reassuring, but it still makes me wonder. She's the first therapist I've felt semi-comfy with, so I hate the thought of going elsewhere, but on the other hand she's only a social worker and I probably belong with a full-blown psychologist if I want to really make progress. Nothing against MSWs, I just get the impression that she really doesn't know what to do with me. I feel guilty for burdening her with my excessive nuttiness. I have that effect on all of them, though :cussing: Even the p-doc, whose brisk, arrogant demeanor scared the hell out of me...he was near tears at the end of our first session. lol Seriously! I make them uncomfortable with my little break-downs. Therapist says I keep all this gunk pent-up and put on a cheeful face, then the walls come down when I walk through the door and it's an emotional deluge that no one's safe from. I think that's why she suggested a hospital stay, because I always have a little nervous break-down in her office. But I walk out of there, put my cheerful face back on, and I hold myself together. I've been holding myself together, I'm good at it. Occasionally the grip on sanity starts to slip, but I'm still here and that's something. If only I could see a therapist regularly and get my meds sorted out, I'd be OK. P-doc wants me to try Cymbalta, so hopefully my insurance will cover it and I'll begin it...tomorrow. I should find out then.

I do feel sick (in the head because bodily is always a given), but I have felt this way for a long time, decreasing and increasing in severity, but it always goes in cycles. If I've managed this long, I just don't see why it's necessary to take drastic measures like hospitalization. If I really believed I was going to hurt myself, sure. But I'm not drawing pictures on the wall in blood, or sitting in a puddle of drool in a catatonic trance, or running down the street naked...I'm just "unwell". I think I'm pretty coherent and I'm surviving. And bitchy as hell. Sorry! :wtf: I just can't even begin to imagine being in the hospital unless it were a dire emergency. I may hate it In Here, but at least I feel safe. Out There is unsafe, and especially being fussed over, god, I hate being fussed over! That's like my ultimate nightmare, being stuck in unfamiliar surroundings with complete strangers observing me and dictating my care. I've just had to take a time-out and get my thoughts and breathing back under control because I had a panic attack. That's how much it terrifies me. So, no, unless it's an emergency, forget it. Think whatever you will of me for being an obstinate neurotic ass. I know better than anyone that I am :)

I have been a little nicer to myself today...I'm trying. I can't begin to say how helpful it is to know that others feel the same way I do, wrestle with the same social impediments. I read forums, following the banter and discussions, trying to figure it all out, how this social interaction thing is supposed to go. Sometimes I have an Aha! moment and it seems much clearer, but most of the time I just feel envious and miserable because I don't really get it and therefore can't be a part of a group. I never know what to say. I wish I "belonged" somewhere, you know? It seems like all my internet dialogue is centered around some complaint I have, or I'm just throwing out nicey-nicey comments with no substance to them...it's a piss-poor substitute for having real friendships. What do you do, though? I've had real friendships in the past and somehow sabotaged them, and the past few years I haven't even bothered trying. You don't even want to know how long it's been since I've gotten laid ;) I'm surprised my girly bits haven't shriveled up and dropped off.

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"I'm surprised my girly bits haven't shriveled up and dropped off."

;):):cussing::wtf::cussing:

sorry, that is the most amusing image to be in my head. I am laughing still

But I feel for you Dear, I have a SO, he just isn't interested in boinkies until I've lost my pudge, which I am doing, slowly...I should be a nice fiesty 80 ish when I get thin enough.

I am also sorry to go against the better judgement of others, but I hate being fussed at and most of all checked up on every 15 minutes to see if I'm still alive and bored to tears. I never can sleep in the loony bin, they set off all of my silly PTSD hypervigilence alarms. I hate having no privacy. I hate being looked at. I hate arrogant bung-hole doctors and I hate all of the nicey-cozy group activities that you MUST go to. I realize things are different in different hospitals, but mine is so obnoxious I'd rather chew my own arm off than go for a stay.

My terror is that I will totally lose it again and get sent there. Crazy Boards is a good supportive mix of people from all over, with many different opinions. And most of us ARE opinionated. You fit in just perfectly :cussing:

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Guest Guest_Nut_Job_*

My first inclination was to encourage you to print your post and take it with you to the LCSW or P-doc. Let them READ it and maybe they will understand better. Particularly since you were able to make it so clear to us, KWIM?

I hope you do better soon

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but I hate being fussed at and most of all checked up on every 15 minutes to see if I'm still alive and bored to tears. I never can sleep in the loony bin, they set off all of my silly PTSD hypervigilence alarms. I hate having no privacy. I hate being looked at. I hate arrogant bung-hole doctors and I hate all of the nicey-cozy group activities that you MUST go to.

I feel exactly the same, Panz! I HATED hospitalization. It was pure torture for me. That knocking on my door every 15 minutes (suicide watch) was enough to make a person lose their mind. How could I possibly sleep with that incesant knocking? I mean, if they want you to get well, shouldn't they let you friggin SLEEP? I also had a pdoc who never even came to see me, and I was in there for a month. A MONTH. Then my insurance ran out. I was left in my filthy clothes for weeks. I even bled all over jeans and they left me like that, because I was supposed to learn to do my own laundry. Hello? I was insane. How could I do laundry? ugh. Wretched. It was 20 yrs ago, and I remember it vividly. If I ever have to go again, I pray it is different.

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