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Back from the looney bin


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Ironically, I hadn't had a mood swing in many months even while going through major upheavals. It was nice feeling do stable.

Then WHAM I was in a deep dark pit of depression. I was drinking to much (I am not supposed to drink at all) and I know that played a really big part in it all. Finally, on a whim after feeling completely useless and depressed, I called my father and we went out to lunch. I called my oldest daughter (age 21), went into the diner's bathroom, took at least 12 tablets of 200mg Lamictal and about 7 one mg Klonopin. This after driking at least a six pack and not eating anythikng. My daughter called the police and came right away to the diner. The ambulance came. I don't remember very much of the next eight hours. I was in and out of consciousness and very incoherent. I absolutely refused to drink the charcoal, threw a screaming fit in fact. (BTW, I don't remember any of this). I remember having a few vivid hallucinations. I remember not being able to stop moving and slaming my body up against the sideds of the bef repeatedly. This led to a black eye and numerous other bruises.

I saw double for three days and was dizzy for a few more. I was in the medical area of the hospital for three days before I was considered stable enough to be involuntarily committed to the mental health unit ward. I was there for four days. It sucked.

I am no longer on Lamictal, but just on Wellburin, and the doc added Seroquel prn for anxiety. He said I can no longer take Klonopin because it is addictive. I am feeling almost manic, very happy and alive and greatful, but also very jittery, like I've had too much caffeine. Terrible anxiety.

I am scared to take the Seroquel on a regular basis because I just lost 50 pounds and have no intention on doing anything that could possibly lead me to gaining back the weight. I'd rather just take the Klonopin at night f or sleep.

I am wondering if the Lamictal was helping to keep me from being anxious. They took me off it. I may never be able to take it again after I overdosed on it. Doc seemed to thtink that maybe I am not truly bipolar because if I was I would have been on either Depakote or Lithium. He said that Lamictal has not been shown to have great mood stabilizing qualities. So many doctors, so many opinions.

Anyway, I am to start an outpatient intensive therapy situation starting next week at a local psychiatric hospital.

ironicaly, I feel great now. Maybe I'm going up the other side towards mania now? Or maybe I could just be feeling happy to have survived another horrid depression. I am feeling a little less need for sleep, so I did take some Klonopin to knock me out so I don't go on a nonsleeping mania tonight.

I will write more tomorrow; I left my glasses upstairs and I can barely see what I am typing.

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Scary experience waterfall! I'm so glad you made it through.

As far as the seroquel goes, the weight gain isn't inevitable. I know many people go on and on about it, but it really isn't a done deal. I'm on a big dose, have been for a long time now, and I'm more underweight than over. IMO it's worth giving it a try.

I'll keep you in my thoughts

M

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ironicaly, I feel great now. Maybe I'm going up the other side towards mania now? Or maybe I could just be feeling happy to have survived another horrid depression.

I know that when I woke up from my overdose, I felt great. The best I had felt for a long time. I don't know if it was "wow this was stupid, I think I do want to live after all" or just that... when you hit rock bottom, there's no other way than up? I know it changed my perspective on a lot of things. I also learned that activated coal is nasty.

My body wasn't all that happy though... PAIN.

Whatever it is, it might be a turning point for you. I really hope so.

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Guest Guest_Waterfall_*

ironicaly, I feel great now. Maybe I'm going up the other side towards mania now? Or maybe I could just be feeling happy to have survived another horrid depression.

I know that when I woke up from my overdose, I felt great. The best I had felt for a long time. I don't know if it was "wow this was stupid, I think I do want to live after all" or just that... when you hit rock bottom, there's no other way than up? I know it changed my perspective on a lot of things. I also learned that activated coal is nasty.

My body wasn't all that happy though... PAIN.

Whatever it is, it might be a turning point for you. I really hope so.

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Why is it that the docs want to take away the meds that are the most helpful? I was feeling wide awake last night, so I took some Klonopin and got some sleep. I feel normal now. If I hadn't taken the Klonopin, I would have been up all night and been manic now. But I am not supposed to take Klonopin because it is addictive. I don't get it? How is taking something that nips mania in the bud a bad thing?

And I wonder about the doc's conclusion that I am probably not bipolar because I was prescribed Lamictal instead of Depakote or Lithium? I took Depakote once and it did nothing. So now I'm just on the Wellbutrin with no mood stablizer (though this doc claims that Lamictal is a very poor mood stabilizer and was doing nothing for me). So confusing.

I have Seroquel as a prn. I took it once and it made me feel stoned. Not an unpleasant feeling, but aren't we supposed to avoid getting "high"? At least the Klonopin just makes me sleep withough giving me that kick.

In any case, overdosing is very, very bad. Once you are medically stable and able to enter the looney bin, all of your basic human rights are taken away. Being locked up is very disturbing in and of itself. Not to mention seeing double for three days and ended up all bruised. And I know it could have been so much worse. At least I am alive and still have my sense of humor intact. I've got a new perspective on life; nothing is so bad that it can't get worse. And it usually gets worse of your own doing. If I hadn't stupidly been slamming alcohol down my throat, I never would have lost the inhibitions that enabled me to take the damned pills.

I'm feeling a bit too happy. But shouldn't I feel that way? Does every little good mood and positive outlook foresee an impending mania? Aren't we allowed to just be happy? I'm not sure it if is a touch of mania, or if it is mostly just a new, healthier perspective. I mean, if I can't laugh about it, feel positive and move on, then what is the point? My husband is convinced this new mood is the beginning of mania. I just don't know.

In any case, for anyone contemplating taking pills, just don't. Put it off another day. Then another. Tell someone what you are planning on doing. Get help. Your body and brain do not need an overdose of drugs in order to wake from the deep, dark depression.

It's scary, though. At that point, things feel so hopeless and I was convinced that everyone would be better off with me dead and not being a burden. I know all everyone wants for me is to be alive and happy. No one wants me dead. How do I keep myself in this place and not fall back down into the hole? I never want to be back down there again.

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I've got a new perspective on life; nothing is so bad that it can't get worse. And it usually gets worse of your own doing.

That's pretty interesting. I've always thought there was some magical limit of amount of pain one person could handle. After that point... well I don't know what I thought. Now I think I have been at absolute rock bottom. (Peppar peppar). And I survived. Which means, no matter how shitty I feel, I can make it.

If you're at your lowest, there's no way but up. Right? Yeah kinda cheesy...

Glad you're feeling happy. Don't worry too much about mania. You are allowed to be happy, even when having BP.

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I am, these days, scarily curious about that "rock bottom thing". I went off my rocker once, and got put in this nice private hospital for "depression". Ennded up, cause I had no ins. on a medical study for Prozac--I got the tricyclic, bummer.

Only other time is when I could not get any decent care down here, so after being blown off at the ER, I sat in their parking lot and took 15 Klonopin, which basicallymade me silly but did nothing else. But I have been prescribed Klonopin ever since--no restrictions. And no "overdose" is mentioned int he medical resords--its listed as a self- admission for "depression"

I seriously am sitting here figuring out what it would take, and how bad it would be, to just eat a handful of something that would get me into some residential care--it would be at the "public " hopsital, I fear, which might be good or bad.

But the rock botttom idea is so tempting--to see if I can or am finally there. I certannly feel worthless and just want to be heavily mediated, which does little good as I have a huge tolerance for things. And I am getting ready to go pick up new refills of all the stuff--I don't want to off myself, I just want to test out how far I can go, I guess, and what kind of care I get. That sounds truly batshit when I write it--

But I am so tired and feel so useless and that I am a total failure--is this bottom enough? If they Bakker act me, then what??or can I be a voluntary admission? Should I call the pdoc who is terrified of actually talking to me? The therapist I saw 4 times?

Is this truly the bottom? Seems so to me--

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waterfall- i'm sorry this had to happen to you for you to feel better, but as dweii said, once you feel your worst, the rest feels like a relief. it's true that being in the looney bin strips you of your dignity and rights as a person. on the other hand, to me it has been a worthwhile trade-off for the comfort i feel there, and obviously the fact that they save my life when i go there. i'd rather lose my dignity than myself.

your pdoc seems a little off by taking away your lamictal. get a second opinion. the klonopin i can understand- but i do think that as adults we should have the ultimate say over what goes into our bodies, as long as our doses are not harmful.

rock bottom i guess for everyone is different. for me it was the dissociation and psychosis that happened to me when i found my dad dead on the floor. time stopped and i knew nothing in my soul but death- it couldn't get deeper than that. i'll never forget how it feels to really die inside.

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I am, these days, scarily curious about that "rock bottom thing". I went off my rocker once, and got put in this nice private hospital for "depression". Ennded up, cause I had no ins. on a medical study for Prozac--I got the tricyclic, bummer.

Only other time is when I could not get any decent care down here, so after being blown off at the ER, I sat in their parking lot and took 15 Klonopin, which basicallymade me silly but did nothing else. But I have been prescribed Klonopin ever since--no restrictions. And no "overdose" is mentioned int he medical resords--its listed as a self- admission for "depression"

I seriously am sitting here figuring out what it would take, and how bad it would be, to just eat a handful of something that would get me into some residential care--it would be at the "public " hopsital, I fear, which might be good or bad.

But the rock botttom idea is so tempting--to see if I can or am finally there. I certannly feel worthless and just want to be heavily mediated, which does little good as I have a huge tolerance for things. And I am getting ready to go pick up new refills of all the stuff--I don't want to off myself, I just want to test out how far I can go, I guess, and what kind of care I get. That sounds truly batshit when I write it--

But I am so tired and feel so useless and that I am a total failure--is this bottom enough? If they Bakker act me, then what??or can I be a voluntary admission? Should I call the pdoc who is terrified of actually talking to me? The therapist I saw 4 times?

Is this truly the bottom? Seems so to me--

If you overdose, you will be admitted involuntarily. You can admit yourself for depression. At least that way you can leave after 72 hours.

I don't suppose I really wanted to off myself either. I just wanted help. If you want to see what kind of care you can get, go to the ER and say you have suicidal ideation. That is a lot safer than taking a bunch of pills. Overdoses are very hard on the body. And you could accidentally kill yourself. Then you'll never know what kind of care you can get.

Call or go to the ER. Don't take the pills. Trust me, it's not worth it.

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