Pdoc says I'm Fine, I feel Depressed...

[Loon-A-TiK]

i'm just at my rope's end. my pdoc says he's never seen me doing so well, but inside i'm a mess. i can't handle anything. i feel like life is a bottomless pit and i'm just another rock hurdling down it, forever and forever.

i've told him this, and we've discussed it. rather than add another AD, i decided to go with lifestyle changes to see if i could pull it up that way. it hasn't worked at all.

now i'm at the point where i'm looking at all these drugs i'm taking and wondering- do i need to add some paxil? do i need to get rid of the abilify (i've suspected it of keeping down mania to the extent that it causes depression), do i run some more laps around the block?

he keeps telling me to wait it out. i've been waiting it out for awhile now and don't feel better. he claims i look great, but as i said, i feel like death warmed over.

any thoughts or suggestions on how i could approach him and what i could suggest we do? the psychosis only happens in high mania and suicidal depression, so with lamictal controlling those i'm willing to take the chance of dropping abilify. or is it safer to just add another drug? i suggested paxil because every time i go back to it it still works, and works wonderfully.

thanks for listening to my speach of the day-

loon

[LunaRufina]

Why do you drop the Paxil?

[Loon-A-TiK]

he dropped it because he likes to keep the number of meds i'm on as low as possible and i wasn't depressed. (duh, i was taking to ADs, no wonder i wasn't depressed ).

[Maceo]

OMG the exact same thing happened to me at my last doctors appointment. I told him I wanted to die and he said I looked great and I wasn't ill anymore and I was cured. How can they be so stupid?

[Angeljasmine]

OMG the exact same thing happened to me at my last doctors appointment. I told him I wanted to die and he said I looked great and I wasn't ill anymore and I was cured. How can they be so stupid?

Had my 3 monthly pdoc visit the other day. Then yesterday I heard from tdoc that pdoc had told her that I seem to be getting better/doing well. Well DUH, how stupid is that when she had also asked me if I'd felt suicidal at any time since I'd seen her last and I said I had, in the weekend just gone.

Just because I feel the activation effects of WB and maybe look a bit more alert, doesn't mean I don't sit there with tears streaming down my face out of despair at other times and even cut a couple of crosses in my arm to ease the (emotional) pain.

Don't they actually LISTEN to me when I tell them those things. How can they think I'm doing well when I know I'm not, when I've been drinking about 4 times a week out of desparation and boredom and wanting to escape.

pdoc/tdoc has a warped sense of when they think I'm doing well.

[Loon-A-TiK]

today i took the day off and went to the pdoc. there are just a lot of external stressors going on right now too that complicate things.

i hear ya AJ and Tom and everyone- like duh, we're fine now, right?

today was just to get more med samples and a new script of adderall, but just seeing him and not even discussing anything made me feel better. the "pdoc effect" i guess.

of course, having adderall back when i haven't had it for a week helps too. no more twisted headache.

still, external stressors or not, i think i need another AD added here soon. when my regular pdoc comes back from vacation and i see him, i'll have to talk to him about it.