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okay so we have been fighting to stay out of a bad place depression-wise. we finally got an appointment to be assessed at the biploar clinic, which is when our meds would FINALLY be changed in a big way... but it isn't until the middle of june. another whole month to hang on, which we feel like we just can't do, but of course we will, because we always find a way to do the impossible no matter how much we hurt ourselves in the process.

then on friday our spouse lost his job. completely unexpectedly. he's had the same position for five years. we can't live on my disability allowance - not even close. the only way i can even support my child is with his income supplementing mine. we had finally come to a place where we could pay all the bills without having to rob peter to pay paul for once, you know? we were comfortable enough that i wasn't constantly worried about eviction anymore.

ever since he told me, i've been walking around barely attatched to myself. i can't feel anything or else i feel everything all at once and it's awful. like panz said, i'm watching myself talk, watching myself do the dishes, watching myself type this somehow, but i'm not really doing it. somehow.

i used to have dreams, for years and years, that i was trapped under the ice and couldn't get out. when i found i was multiple, i finally stopped having those dreams (i can get "out" now). this is like having a dream of trying to get back under the ice and i can't break through it, it's too thick. i want to immerse myself and hide and i can't, so i'm being blown around on the surface like a discarded, empty coffee cup. and it's cold out here.

thanks for listening.

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fully understandable why you are so floaty and all... right now my income is the main income and it's stressful!!

i hope he can find another job quickly. if you talk to disability, are you able to get more money? i mean, if it is based on his income at all and now he has none... ??

abi

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i was supporting myself on my SSDI when it was $900+, then the gov started garnishing it for federal student loan debts (BIG place of contention here), and it took my income down to $770.

my rent is $525. there is no way in the world i can live on less than $800/month. i totally know where you're coming from. it hit my gut so hard that i was paying my debts and they still did this to me, and made it so i am unable to live on my disability.

so i went and got a "real" job. i make good money as a tech consultant. i'm not worried about my bills, but i am worried about my health. i need to ask for accomodations to make room for my pdoc appointments.

so there is a lot of fear there too- that because i'm a consultant that i won't get the kind of understanding that employees get and it will be hard for me to get accomodations (not like it isn't difficult when you're a regular employee too).

is it possible for you to work and collect your disability? i'm doing the "trial work period" on ssdi because i'm being forced to, not because my doctor thinks it is a good idea or because i think it is a good idea. but i'm capable of trying, and maybe ending up in the nut house and maybe not, but i['m forced into trying.

do you think you are being forced into trying? or is there no way to try?

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ever since he told me, i've been walking around barely attatched to myself. i can't feel anything or else i feel everything all at once and it's awful. like panz said, i'm watching myself talk, watching myself do the dishes, watching myself type this somehow, but i'm not really doing it. somehow.

Sometimes, when you really can't figure out what to or why to do anything, and you can't *feel* much difference among some things,

any thing, no thing, or just nothing, it can help to make out a list of things you think should be done and when they need to be done.

Let your husband edit the list a bit, because when you're really out of it things get missed. Sometimes the big things seem small and easy

and the reverse. It gets mixed up.

Then, just try to go through that list.

Maybe it will help ground you back to reality, maybe it won't. But even in those times when you feel like a remote operator trapped

in the cockpit of some nameless machine, that machine has to to SOMEthing and the operator still has to do maintenance once in a

while, or it rusts.

Who the operator really is and how he or she really feels about it maybe doesn't matter so much when things are really bad. When

things get better - and they will - then you and your therapist or counsellor can work on those issues. Right now, it's food and water

first, shelter second, health and safety third, everything else a distant fourth.

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