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What to do when things suddenly go worse again?


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I don't know what to do with myself.

I'd been doing a little bit better lately..getting some schoolwork done, doing an outside activity, trying to make friends..

but the past three days it's all I can do to get out of bed again.

- I had class this morning and I just didn't go, I didn't even bother to come up with an excuse for the professor.

- I slept until 4pm, it's now 9:30pm and I want to go to bed, but I don't know if I'll be able to get out of bed for class tomorrow.

- The entire time I'm on the phone to my parents or brother or friends I have tears streaming down my face, and now I do too.

- I miss them. I thought I better enough to be safe for a while and now I'm going into this hole again. So alone feeling.

- My birthday is this Friday. I turn 20. It's my roommates birthday too (21st) and she's arranging this get together for us with her friends (the people I've been trying to make friends with and was doing OK at) and I don't care. I don't want to go. I just want to stay in my room with the lights off in bed.

- I have three weeks of school left and assignments and tests almost every class--these three weeks are worth at least 50% of my grade in each class. I can't do it. I have no creativity, I freeze when I try to work, I cry and then I sleep. I can't do it.

I can't see the pdoc again because I can't afford it-- I told him that the wellbutrin was going to wear off again (like it always has in the past) and he sent me away with effexor samples because he didn't really believe me, or I seemed to being doing well enough then that he thought I'd be fine until I see my new pdoc in June-- but when the wellbutrin wears off, it REALLY does and it's hard to tell when that will happen. I tried the effexor and can't tolorate it. How am I going to make it through these last weeks? I feel like I've just completely shut down. It's been such a long time since I've cried this much, I normally get numb and right now it's not numb, it's pain-- it's so much ache and lonliness and pain and I don't know how to deal with it, it's so forign.

I thought I was going to make it and now I'm lost again...how can I get through until the end of the school year? Any suggestions on how to get through this day-to-day? Even if you don't have any suggestions, thank you for reading. I feel so alone right now and just knowing that someone "gets it" will be a big comfort I think.

meg

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Well, the effexor side effects should get better in time.

Something to keep in mind about wellbutrin is that it might feel like it quits working after a month, but really it hasn't started completely working at that time. You should give it a couple months at your target dose to reach its full effect. The initial stimulant effect may wear off some but the antidepressant effects takes longer to kick in.

Also, don't forget about side effects from adderall, namely sleep deprivation and apatite loss leading to low blood sugar. Those can both effect mood. You gotta try and eat and sleep on a schedule, even if you don't feel like it.

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Well, the effexor side effects should get better in time.

Something to keep in mind about wellbutrin is that it might feel like it quits working after a month, but really it hasn't started completely working at that time. You should give it a couple months at your target dose to reach its full effect. The initial stimulant effect may wear off some but the antidepressant effects takes longer to kick in.

Also, don't forget about side effects from adderall, namely sleep deprivation and apatite loss leading to low blood sugar. Those can both effect mood. You gotta try and eat and sleep on a schedule, even if you don't feel like it.

Thanks for responding, VE-

About the Effexor:

I know that I should have tried harder to wait through the effexor SEs but I just couldn't right now due to circumstances (see my post about sweating excessively on effexor. yuck.) so I guess I might try again when I'm out of school and that won't mess everything up as much.

About the Wellbutrin:

I've been on it for almost a year now (got off and back on once for about a month at the end of last year, dr. thought it would start working again and it kinda did for a while) but that was at 300mg. I started sinking again about 4 months ago and so we maxed out the dose--I've been at 450mg for 3 1/2 months. After we upped it I could tell a difference, but that only lasted for a couple of months and it really has been wearing off (I know this sounds like it could be in my head if I was expecting it to happen, but I was being really positive and trying to not overanalyze my mood, etc.- it really does poop out).

Finally, about the Adderall:

I've been sleeping normally (no problems with insomnia at all) since the adderall started 3 1/2 weeks ago and although my appetite is suppressed, I've mostly just been not emotionally eating because of that, but have had a much more balanced diet than normal because I have myself on a schedule. Damn, I sound like I'm arguing with you with all of this, but I'm just trying to clarify, so I'm sorry about that.

I guess I'll just try harder to kick myself out of bed even when I can't face it..getting back into my depressed sleep pattern would be bad and I know it. I also finished tapering off of zoloft about two weeks ago, by the way-- I didn't feel a difference when I was going onto it 6months ago and I didn't feel any difference at all when I was coming off of it, but I'm wondering if that has anything to do with this? If it didn't seem to do anything at all (at 100mg) then my brain shouldn't miss it, right? I'm confused about that.

This post is sooo long again. I'm sorry. If I want responses I should keep it shorter, I feel bad for you all wading through this babble. Have to make myself get in the shower and go to my 2pm class (slept straight through 6 alarms this morning and missed my 8am class. ugh),

meg

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Thanks for responding, VE-

About the Effexor:

I know that I should have tried harder to wait through the effexor SEs but I just couldn't right now due to circumstances (see my post about sweating excessively on effexor. yuck.) so I guess I might try again when I'm out of school and that won't mess everything up as much.

i did read about your side effects, and they did suck. *BUT* effexor kicks in fairly quickly and you might want to give it another go. once you feel the effects you might not mind the side effects so much.

About the Wellbutrin:

I've been on it for almost a year now (got off and back on once for about a month at the end of last year, dr. thought it would start working again and it kinda did for a while) but that was at 300mg. I started sinking again about 4 months ago and so we maxed out the dose--I've been at 450mg for 3 1/2 months. After we upped it I could tell a difference, but that only lasted for a couple of months and it really has been wearing off (I know this sounds like it could be in my head if I was expecting it to happen, but I was being really positive and trying to not overanalyze my mood, etc.- it really does poop out).

did you by any chance switch to the generic version? i switched to the generic teva version and it.did.not.work.at.all.for.me.

Finally, about the Adderall:

I've been sleeping normally (no problems with insomnia at all) since the adderall started 3 1/2 weeks ago and although my appetite is suppressed, I've mostly just been not emotionally eating because of that, but have had a much more balanced diet than normal because I have myself on a schedule. Damn, I sound like I'm arguing with you with all of this, but I'm just trying to clarify, so I'm sorry about that.

i'm glad you're eating. try to (seriously) eat something every four hours (if you aren't already). even just a glass of soy milk or a protein bar. smoothies are my friend on stimulants...

I guess I'll just try harder to kick myself out of bed even when I can't face it..getting back into my depressed sleep pattern would be bad and I know it. I also finished tapering off of zoloft about two weeks ago, by the way-- I didn't feel a difference when I was going onto it 6months ago and I didn't feel any difference at all when I was coming off of it, but I'm wondering if that has anything to do with this? If it didn't seem to do anything at all (at 100mg) then my brain shouldn't miss it, right? I'm confused about that.

the zoloft could definitely be the reason you are sinking. it took me a good two months off wellbutrin (dumb ass idea on my part, i didn't think it was doing anything) to hit the bottom. my doctor said there can be a delayed reaction to when you really feel the actual end of an antidepressant working. you might want to call your pdoc and get back on zoloft asap.

as for the mornings, i keep my dexidrine by my alarm clock with a bottle of water. the second it goes off i take my meds and hit snooze, but by the second or third snooze i'm usually able to get up and face the day.

This post is sooo long again. I'm sorry. If I want responses I should keep it shorter, I feel bad for you all wading through this babble. Have to make myself get in the shower and go to my 2pm class (slept straight through 6 alarms this morning and missed my 8am class. ugh),

meg

your posts aren't too long. you break them up into separated paragraphs (i hate it when a post is just a block of text), your posts are incredibly well organized (love the bullet points) and they're easy to read. there's nothing wrong with having a lot to say, and you say what you have to say in a very coherent manner. i've actually been meaning to compliment you on your posting style as it is so readable.

good luck.

i take it you're on the quarter system like i am?

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Hey Meg, sorry to hear you're struggling again - you seemed to be doing so much better for a while there. Depression is, indeed, a bitch to deal with, especially when you're away from home and the people you love. Try not to give in to it and spend the whole time asleep...I know that's sometimes really hard to do, but I know that with me, letting myself sleep lots when I'm depressed can actually make my mood even worse, and I get caught in a vicious circle.

In terms of day-to-day coping, set yourself one target each day so that you can feel like you've acheived something. It could just be getting out of bed and putting clothes on, or it could be to attend a class, cook yourself a meal...whatever. Doesn't matter how small, whatever you think might be acheivable.

Is your school aware of the problems you're having? (you might have told me before, but I can't remember). They might be able to take them into account in terms of your academic work - mitigating circumstances and all that.

Hang in there honey - we understand.

xx

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I read your posts as soon as they were put up but was too sick of thinking about all this and tired to answer, you know that feeling? Like I really wanted to but just couldn't because there was too much to say. I guess I'll try to go in order.

penny-

- as far as the wellbutrin goes, I was on generic 300 and reg 150 to make up my 450 dose for a while there (two months?) and decided to ask the pdoc to write brand only just to be on the safe side-- I hadn't really noticed a difference, but the brandname is only $10 more so I figured I'd cover that base and have one less variable, so that's accounted for

- I talked to my mother for about an hour yesterday afternoon..I forget what I even called her for but I ended up crying on the other end of the phone while we tried to sort things out. I totally lucked out with the parents that I have. totally. my mom also struggles with depression so she "gets" where I'm coming from, and she's a nurse so she had me go through the past month's med changes to her to write them down so she could call a pharmacist and get an opinion since I'm without a doctor right now. I'm pretty sure that this is my 'quick' runthrough of changes (mostly for me to sort it out in writing, feel free to skip):

  • been on wellbutrin 300 and zoloft 100, added 150 wb to make 450
  • tapered off zoloft (down to 50 for two weeks) while trying focalin for the first week

    • focalin=brainlessness..I don't know if you recall that whole story but midtermweek+focalinbrain = disaster

    [*]got crazy pdoc to switch me to adderall xr, so was adderall xr 20mg while still tapering down 50mg zoloft and on 450 WB

    [*]crazy pdoc switches adderall to regular and triples the dosage (20mg 3x a day..but up to me, not taken more than 50mg)

    • same time STOP zoloft and next day start effexor xr

    [*]stop effexor xr 6 days later (really- I know sweat sounds like a silly reason to not wait it out but I would have lost any chance of being a designer for one of the shows next year..you're not allowed to drip on the actors.)

    [*]the just wb 450 and adderall 20-60mg

    • look down. that's me in that hole...see the little speck at the bottom? (dramatic, sorry, just crazy to be turned into a human waterfall after a year of only crying a few times. I dropped my KEYS and started sobbing and throwing things.

so yeah

((points finger at half-empty zoloft bottle))

((points finger at where seratonin resides (or should) in head))

took 50mg zoloft last night and plan on staying at that until I can reach a doctor who will help me--I know that I should ask a doctor first and get permission, etc. but it's not a new med to me and I will be in touch with a dr soon. am not a total basket case today. the pdoc I've been seeing is the one who did all of these changes within about 3 weeks and didn't think anythiing of it or want to follow up--and I'm not paying him another $100 to not listen. gp and np won't touch my psych meds anymore, they referred me out because they don't know what to do with me. hopefully can schedule a phone session with new good pdoc back home. whew.

I'm glad you're able to read my posts :) the way it all spurts out of my fingers it's like my brain spillover and I'm always surprised that other people can make sense of it. and thank you for reading and responding as always.

angel-

first of all, thank you for understanding. you all 'getting' it means a lot (am not stuck or alone that way, you know?) and damn, I thought I was doing better for a while there ;) which is why my mood reversing like a lightswitch went off somewhere has been freaking me out so much and is so dissapointing. but anyway- I'm trying to not fall into the sleeping trap, and just getting the minimum done for my classes for tomorrow is the goal. after I finish typing this and eating that is what I am going to do. really. really. ((trying to convince myself)) yes. really. and tomorrow between my two biggradesdue classes I have my second appointment with a conseling/disability ctr therapist, she should have the diagnosis proof from the pdoc by now.

just last week I was saying to her in our first meeting "you know, I'm actually doing well right now, so I know it seems odd me coming in to you, but I wanted to just get this in here and cover all my bases, just in case things ever get worse again, knock on wood, then I won't have to drag myself in here on top of everything else"

she's in for an interesting meeting, right? I was talking about next year, not next week. the funny thing is that I'm worried that I'm NOT going to cry. one of my biggest problems with depression is that I don't LOOK depressed enough or ACT depressed enough to get taken seriously. if only I could have just recorded that conversation with my mother. I'm never like that at the right times. I hate feeling like I have to prove that I'm messed up enough to them. bleh.

anyway, got off into babbleofftrack land...I'm trying to set the small goals for myself and do them (I went to my 8am class! I was semi-clean and looked 'normal' and didn't cry at all) oh boy, I feel like a 5-year-old "look mommy! I brushed my very own teeth!" but I'm working on it. off to finish eating dinner and tackling that digital assignment. ((crosses fingers))

meg

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