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Okay, I have an unstable self-image, unstable moods, and I SI. But I don't think I SI to get attention... if anything, I go to great lengths to hide it. I do it out of frustration, rage, pain, etc., and it clears my mind. I have tolod my pdoc/tdoc about it, jsut in the interest of trying to be honest, but I don't bring it up if they don't ask. It's not like I'm going in there, showing it off.

I also don't have a fear of abandonment, if anything, *I'm* the one who wants to run away.

I have a 20yr marriage... and he's a good friend. most of the time our relationship is very stable, I'm the fuck-up, but I haven't left him or consider ourselves "stormy".

I do, however, admit that I have a somewhat callous side to me, I have difficulty forming what I would consider a normal, loving attachment. I feel like I'm on the outside, even with my kids.

Chronic emptiness. Well, um yeah, okay, got a problem with that.

I'm just a little stunned with the BPD dx, and worry about what I hear about it being a stigmatism in the psychiatric world. My pdoc has recommended DBT, which we haven't started yet, in light of some recent problems that really need talking out first.

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I have some campaign work I have to get done (editing and cutting down a speech for the candidate), so I must make this quick. Because of this, I apologize in advance if my statement comes off as extremely rude and if I seem like an obnoxious, callous, bitch...

Okay, I have an unstable self-image, unstable moods, and I SI. But I don't think I SI to get attention... if anything, I go to great lengths to hide it. I do it out of frustration, rage, pain, etc., and it clears my mind. I have tolod my pdoc/tdoc about it, jsut in the interest of trying to be honest, but I don't bring it up if they don't ask. It's not like I'm going in there, showing it off.

This is something that people without BPD commonly bring up that kind of pisses me off. Not everyone with BPD who SIs does it as a manipulation tactic in order to get attention; not everyone shows it off. I know that, personally, I kept it a secret for a rather long time before anyone found out about it initially. Most people who knew about it now thought that I have stopped and haven't done it for years... It is a problem that I am currently struggling with and have been. I have been cut free for 87 days... most people think it has been maybe 5 years... So, yes, if anything, I got to GREAT lengths to hide it. Only maybe 1 or 2 people know that i am struggling with it in RL... my doc doesn't even know because I have been afraid to tell him this whole time. If he doesn't ask, I don't say anything.

Sooo... do you have BPD? I have no idea, but I would not use the SI attention seeking thing as part of your arguement because it is not only false in many instances, but also insulting.

That is my two cents for now. I'm sure that I will come back here to a beating or something, but I feel that I just had to say my thing for now...

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A diagnosis of BPD means that you meet 5 of the criteria. You have listed in your post 5 of the common BPD problems. I don't think that SI has to be in order to get attention to be classified with BPD. I know I don't do it for the attention and am still diagnosed with BPD.

I've read all about how docs don't want to deal with BPD patients because they can be difficult, but I have never experienced any problems like that with my diagnosis. My pdoc is very easy to work with and has never even acted like she has a problem dealing with me and my BPD. Maybe there is a stigma in larger cities (I live in a very small one) but I honestly wouldn't be worried about it.

DBT is a very good idea. Have they mentioned whether it would be partial hospitalization, group, etc? I lucked out and was able to do my DBT on a weekly basis, one-on-one which is good for me since I have a problem with crowds and other people.

It is very important that you trust your docs. If you don't agree with his/her assessment, let them know that.

Good luck.

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I apologize in advance if my statement comes off as extremely rude and if I seem like an obnoxious, callous, bitch...

Haha, oh please, Ophelia, if anything you have greatly eased my mind. I think it's ridiculous to consider that I SI to call attention to myself. Let's put it this way... I hide it so well that even my husband doesn't know. Um, yeah, that's not always easy, but I manage to pull it off. *No one* IRL knows except my docs, and I kinda wish I hadn't told them. *sigh* all in the name of trying to be truthful...

thanks for your 2 cents, and feel free to add more when you can. Good luck with the campaign work.

Esined... man, yeah, I think I quite frankly am a difficult patient. Not proud of it or anything, just being realistic. I'll be doing well in one appt, and then the next I can't figure out a reason for living. I'm BP1 as well, and have been smack dab in the middle of a mixed episode, so that doesn't help.

I think it was the manipulation part that really riled me. I'm just still kinda reeling from the dx, didn't see it coming.

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The unstable self-image is the kicker, as I understand it. Everything else is an expression of that.

Lost in the Mirror is a book that is recommended a lot. It's in the CrazyStore but could probably also be found in most larger libraries.

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i had the same reaction as opie about the SI

i also want to add that for the longest time i didn't think i had abandonment issues.

'leaving people first' is a common way of dealing with fear of abandonment. if you abandon them first, they can't do it to you.

for me though, it's just been getting more and more clear to me that abandonment is underneath my behaviour when i flip out on someone (especially a partner).

like, for example if they are pointing out something about me that they see that isn't positive, it's because whatever negative thing they are telling me not only does a number on my unstable self-image, i think that the next thing out of their mouth will be that they don't want to have anything to do with me anymore.

i go through definite periods of thinking i don't have bpd, and other periods where i definitely think i do. sometimes i'll go between these two periods really really quickly. this creates moments of extreme self-hate. these are the moments i most want to cut.

i really want to stop feeling all twisted up inside, and as painful as it is to look at some of this, being completely honest is the only way to get through the pain and possibly heal. ignoring and denying how fucked up i can get isn't going to help.

(i'm feeling particularly shitty because i totally flipped out yesterday and just lately in the past week i've been a real ass. i don't know how to fix that - how to make things right and feel ok with myself again.. i know when i'm having the raging fear of abandonment episode i just make things worse and worse and worse, to the point of psychosis)

i hope that you can work with your docs to come to terms with the dx and get the treatment you need. it's possible, i know it is, and while it takes hard work, i've known you here for a long time and i know how much you want to be better. you're a good person and i think you need to remember the good things about you, and keep trying to move toward the you -- creative, caring, insightful.

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