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'i'm feeling real low' rant


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my bipolar had left in a depressive loop and the moment so this is going to be a bit of rant so bear with with me... ;)

I have been jobless for several months and cannot seem to get a job anywhere and I have become obsessed with applying for jobs and not turning up for interviews.I get the fear of them not liking me when I get there. I recently went for an interview for a bookshop and even though i felt the interview went well, I didn't get the job. I really really wnat a job in bookstore as well. It then puts me off ever looking for another job. I have no personal money i.e. no independence yet I am lucky to have well off parents who can give me money anytime. I am going to volunteer as a bookseller in a secondhand store to get me back on my feet even though it's unpaid and looking for a job with a friend next week...

...besides this I am suffering from many ailments which is making me depressed. My severe indigestion and heartburn is making more so frustrated and depressed that it has triggered my panic disorder and had made me slightly agoraphobic. I feel really spaced out and kind of having an out of body experience where things don't seem real. I have been abusing drugs as well recently a lot more than before but i wondering which is the trigger. I have been ill for a while off and on, some say it is because i turned vegetarian last year, i don't eat properly and I drink and smoke to much. I really do not want to give up drinking or being a vegetarian but i might quit the cigarettes....

...I have tons of friends but do not seem to be getting the support I need. I tend to just go along with everyone else without really developing anyhting of my own. I have so much potential and I will be going back to university to do English in September but i feel like i'm drifting rather than going anywhere. My best friend tends to be wrapped up in herself a lot of the time( she is at college) and does not seem to take an interest in things i like. I read a lot but do not have the concentration to read too and none of my immediate friends read that much either, of at all. i normally just do things for a quiet life. I like to stay in but i love to go out too and feel none of my friends make the effort to come down to my house either. I have always felt all my life I make too much effort for people and they always think i'm lazy and horrible when i'm not. I would also like to meet like-minded people but have no idea where to meet them. Recently I had a good day just going to art galleries and cafes by myself and it is times like thoses where i feel most confident....

...i have major hang-ups on my looks too. my best friend is so gorgeous and confident, i feel like shit next to her. She does borderline arrogant about it sometimes and it winds me up but that's life. It's the same thing...my tits are too small, shoulders too broad, nose too big etc. I knwo i am prettier than most but my depression makes me feel worse and not care for myself. I am lucky that i am intelligent otherwide i would be fucked.

I do not know how to prioritse my life at the moment...if saving my money in developing new friendships (have been talking to old friends recently to meet up with) and getting a job top priority or is making maintaining friendships and partying priority.

i hope i didn't bore you but i really needed to get that off my chest as I am feeling ultra low at the moment. I am going through the depressive cycle of my bipolar. I would be grateful for advice but otherwise thanks for reading.

Nikki xo

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i understand how the unemployment thing really messes with your head. i've had long-ish periods of unemployment too and it makes you feel even more worthless than you were feeling already. and add that to your frustrations with your plans in life (or lack of), struggle with substances, and feelings of inadaquecy compared to your best friend- that is a recepie for negativity.

you mentioned something about being a vegetarian. i've been some form of vegetarian, either vegetarian or vegan, since i was 10 and it has never mattered in my bipolar disorder. i make sure that i get a variety of foods. if you do your homework on meat products, you'll find (and i'm sure you know this) that they lack the nutritional values that people think they have. i've managed to be a healthy meatless person for 18 years now (i'm 28). i was DXed bipolar when i was 7. i think that vegetarianism, done right, is a far healthier alternative than meat eating. some people complain that they feel tired or crave meat- i think this is just a lack of plant protein in their diets and can be easily fixed with a protein shake.

anyway, enough of my rant on the benefits of vegetarianism (big topic for me)...

i'd stop comparing yourself to your best friend. you're not her. you have a totally different life and set of life circumstances, along with the bipolar disorder you struggle with. look at yourself and be proud of yourself that you're alive. i read that almost all bipolar people attempt suicide in their lives, and between 10-20% of bipolar people commit suicide. it is hard to get a read on it because not all bipolars are diagnosed. however, the facts are strong that we have a hard time working, having relationships, taking care of ourselves, keeping up our self-esteem, and staying alive. good goddess- i know you've seen a lot in your life. be proud of yourself that you beat the demons daily.

my dad, also a bipolar, killed himself about 3 years ago. rest in peace. he couldn't win against what we face. you are winning every time you take a breath.

don't worry that they won't like you in interviews. be yourself. it is up to them whether or not they like you, true, but what does it have to do with who you are? you're still you, and a very good and likeable you, regardless of others' opinions. they don't change YOU. they are external to you and have nothing to do with you. don't let them bother you. besides, i don't think that most interviewers develop opinions on people's personalities, at least deep opinons, in an interview.

you're considering college. that's a good thing. i can tell that you're a smart person and the kind that would excel in academics. i've never regretted my BA, as expensive as my school was.

i don't know where i get this, but i feel like suggesting it. i see you have a sylvia plath quote in your signature. if you haven't already, read up on her stuff. she's awesome. but more than that, you can see her struggles with what was then DXed as depression and now thought to be bipolar disorder. i think role models are good. even though she committed suicide, she is still someone we can relate to.

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Hi,

one of the immediate changes you can make is for your indigestion/heartburn. you didnt give too many details...so im just tossing this idea...

there are some great OTC products on the market. and they tend to be a tiny bit different to each other.

smoking can greatly contribute to indigestion/heartburn. so can the drinking.

maybe getting this part of your life under control will help with the other parts.

xoxo,

december

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Hi,

one of the immediate changes you can make is for your indigestion/heartburn. you didnt give too many details...so im just tossing this idea...

there are some great OTC products on the market. and they tend to be a tiny bit different to each other.

I'll throw in a recommendation for the calcium carbonate -based antacids (or just the cheapest carbonate-based calcium supplements.)

Many people, esp. those who don't/can't/won't consume dairy products regularly, can use the extra calcium, and the carbonate is

literally an antacid. You can't take these with some tetracycline, but that doesn't sound like an issue for you.

Like December Brigette says, maybe getting control over some of the small things will help the big things work out a little bit better.

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